Movie theater reviews

I go to lots of movies in lots of theaters. Here are my thoughts on a variety of theaters in the Portland area, judging price, presentation, programming, eats/drinks and atmosphere on a scale of 1-4, 1 being the worst and 4 being the best.

BAGDAD THEATER AND PUB

PRICE: Good. 4/4

Tickets are cheap.

PRESENTATION: Pretty good. 2/4

You can't always be sure you'll get to see a film here. They've been known to show DVDs on the big screen and pass it off as a real movie. So, it's kind of hit and miss.

PROGRAMMING: Pretty good. 3/4

Usually just second run mainstream movies, but sometimes revivals of classics. Unfortunately, usually the revivals are tied to a radio station promotion or local club of some kind and they usually encourage rowdy audiences, so that can take away from the experience.

EATS AND DRINKS: Pretty good. 3/4

Pizza, popcorn, beer. This is a McMenamin's, so it's all just okay.

ATMOSPHERE: Great. 4/4

This is one of the most grand examples of a movie palace in Portland. A beautiful lobby and beautiful auditorium, designed in the Arabian nights fashion, as the name of the theater suggests.

CINEMA 21

PRICE: Pretty good. 2/4

They usually try to steer you in the direction of admitting you're a student, even if you're not. This place is cheaper than a first-run theater but more expensive than a lot of the second run theaters in town. There's no debit card machine, though, which sucks.

PRESENTATION: Good. 3/4

You can always rely in seeing honest-to-God films here, but the cavernous auditorium can make for an echo-filled viewing experience. Still, good visuals and good sound, even if the acoustics aren't so good.

PROGRAMMING: Great. 4/4

You'll be hard pressed to find another theater in Portland with such great classics, foreign films or indies. This place gets a lot of opening weekend exclusives, too, so sometimes it's the closest you can get to New York or LA without leaving Portland.

EATS AND DRINKS: Good. 3/4

Popcorn and candy. Also, coffee. And, just recently, beer. I used to say, "I wish Cinema 21 served beer." Now I don't have to say that anymore.

ATMOSPHERE: Good. 3/4

The place is a little run down, but it's a nice huge auditorium with a big screen and a balcony, so it does transport you back in time, a little bit.

HOLLYWOOD THEATRE

PRICE: Pretty good. 2/4

Again, more expensive than most second runs but less expensive than a first run theater. They have cheap tickets on Mondays, and you can buy a membership to get all kinds of deals.

PRESENTATION: Pretty good. 2/4

Again, depending on the way the studios choose to distribute their films to this theater, you may not end up seeing something on film. But I'd say 9 times out of 10, you will.

PROGRAMMING: Good. 3/4

This is almost great, but because this is a non-profit theater it ends up being a little eclectic. Usually it's a great selection of foreign, independent, classic and offbeat second-run films, but sometimes the films can be so offbeat that no one really wants to see them.

EATS AND DRINKS: Good. 3/4

Coffee, yes. Beer, no. On the bright side, the popcorn is the fluffiest stuff you're likely to see in Portland.

ATMOSPHERE: Good. 3/4

Again, could have been great, but this place is a little run down, I think mostly because they spend all their money on getting movies and none of it on keeping the place up. The outside architecture is great, and some of it remains on the inside, as well, but the place has been through some rough times and awkward remodels.

KENNEDY SCHOOL THEATER:

PRICE: Great. 4/4

Movies are nice and cheap.

PRESENTATION: Good. 3/4

You'll get your films on film, here, but they're projected in a cavernous gymnasium so chances are you won't have great acoustics.

PROGRAMMING: Pretty good. 2/4

This is mostly just a second-run theater, and it tends to veer towards childrens' and family films. But, occasionally they'll play something cool.

EATS AND DRINKS: Pretty good. 3/4

Again, it's a McMenamin's. So, there's middle-of-the-road pizza and beer.

ATMOSPHERE: Good. 3/4

As mentioned before, this theater is located in the gymnasium of what used to be an elementary school, so it's definitely unique. The seats are made up of mis-matched couches and arm chairs. On one hand this is nice and comfy. On the other, it's creepy to wonder what kind of shenanigans the cushions inspire in the dark.

LAURELHURST THEATER:

PRICE: Great. 4/4

Movies are $3.00.

PRESENTATION: Good. 3/4

Prints aren't always the best, but everything's on film.

PROGRAMMING: Great. 4/4

This is mostly a second-run theater but they always reserve one screen for a classic, and someone with great taste must be programming the classics because they're almost always awesome. On top of this, they tend to run both second-run mainstream films as well as second-run indies and foreign flicks, so it's half art-house and half second-run.

EATS AND DRINKS: Good. 3/4

Beer, pizza and popcorn. The pizza can be floppy and soggy but the beer selection is good.

ATMOSPHERE: Good. 3/4

The marquee outside is great. Inside you're greeted with an eclectic but usable decor.

MORELAND THEATER:

PRICE: Pretty good. 2/4

More expensive than most second-runs, but cheaper than a mainstream theater.

PRESENTATION: Good. 3/4

Nice big screen, one large auditorium, always good prints.

PROGRAMMING: Good. 3/4

For a one-screen, this place gets a lot of first-run movies. Problem is, they're stuck there for 3 weeks to a month, so you can't visit this place very often unless you want to see the same movie multiple times.

EATS AND DRINKS: Pretty good. 2/4

The usual: popcorn, candy and soda. No beer, no coffee, though they do look the other way if you want to bring something in from one of the nearby Starbucks.

ATMOSPHERE: Good. 3/4

This is another Arabian style movie palace. Stepping into the lobby and auditorium is almost like stepping back in time.

REGAL FOX TOWER STADIUM 10:

PRICE: Shitty. 1/4

These flicks are full price, so hopefully you have a coupon.

PRESENTATION: Good. 3/4

Great sound, good visuals, no complaints.

PROGRAMMING: Great. 4/4

This is one-stop-shopping for current arthouse flicks.

EATS AND DRINKS: Pretty good. 2/4

Usual movie theater fare.

ATMOSPHERE: Pretty good. 2/4

It's kind of cool how the theaters are built into a multi-story building where you have to ride the escalator to get up to the main lobby. But, each theater is pretty small and the modern architecture is cold and impersonal.

REGAL LLOYD CENTER STADIUM 10:

PRICE: Shitty. 1/4

Again, full price. Yuck.

PRESENTATION: Shitty. 1/4

Sound is spotty and they have a bad habit of running most of their projector bulbs very low. So you end up with a murky, mushy, gray picture. The people at the Lloyd can make a brand new print look like it has been dragged through the mud, and there's no excuse for it.

PROGRAMMING: Pretty good. 2/4

If you're looking for whatever mainstream, first-run hit has come out within the last few weeks, this is the place to look.

EATS AND DRINKS: Pretty good. 2/4

Standard movie theater stuff, though they tend to always be out of coffee.

ATMOSPHERE: Shitty. 1/4

You can tell you're at a mall movie theater when you're at this place. Big, empty, ugly. There are a couple gigantic screens, which are nice, since you don't see them much anymore these days, but the theater doesn't really take advantage of them. Oh, and I'm not sure why they call this place a "stadium." If I remember correctly, there's no stadium seating to be found.

ROSEWAY THEATRE:

PRICE: Good. 3/4

Cheaper than most first-runs, but more expensive than most second-runs.

PRESENTATION: Great. 4/4

State of the art sound and digital projection make this the best place to see a movie in Portland.

PROGRAMMING: Good. 3/4

This is a one-screen theater, so they're usually stuck with the same movie for weeks at a time, but they miraculously get whatever the coolest new movie is at any given time.

EATS AND DRINKS: Good. 3/4

No beer, and no coffee but the popcorn is as fluffy as the Hollywood Theatre's popcorn.

ATMOSPHERE: Good. 3/4

The best of both worlds: the feel of an old-school movie palace and the cleanliness of a brand new, state of the art theater. Curtains, stained glass windows, but also comfy chairs and good acoustics.

The Bonfire of the Michael Jacksons

I was at the grocery store at a later than usual hour, and found myself standing in line behind a giant.

He was probably three times as tall as me, three times as big around, three times as bald and three times as outgoing.

"Hey," he said. "How's it going?"

"Good," I said. "How are you doing?"

"Good," he said. He then gestured towards the beer in my hand and said, "You've even got the shirt to match."

I looked down at my Pabst Blue Ribbon t-shirt and laughed.

Then, I looked up at his cart and noticed it was full of two things:

1.) Boxes of matches. Probably a hundred of them.

2.) Commemorative copies of the NY Times featuring the death of Michael Jackson on the cover, probably 10 copies.

Being three times less outgoing than this giant, I didn't ask why the hell he was buying a whole tree's worth of Michael Jackson papers and matches. Instead, I speculated to myself. The only thing I could come up with was that he was planning on burning the stack of Michael Jackson papers in some symbolic act of defiance against something.

Luckily, the clerk checking us out asked on my behalf, after running the tenth box of matches over the scanner.

"All right," he said. "I'm too curious. I've gotta ask."

"I run a cigar shop down the street," the giant laughed.

"I see," the clerk said.

"Don't worry, they ALWAYS ask," the giant said.

I still only understand 50% of his purchase items.

Hershey Homophobia

Overheard at the grocery store:

Girl: Why don't we get one of these eighty-nine cent candy bars?

Boy: Because they're gay.

Beverly Cleary Walking Tour

Ever since I moved to my new neighborhood about a year ago I've been meaning to take myself on a little Beverly Cleary tour. For those who don't know, Beverly Cleary is a famous childrens' novelist, author of the Ramona books, Henry Huggins series and The Mouse and the Motorcycle, to name a few. She used to live in my neighborhood, and set some of her most memorable stories here in the Hollywood District of Portland, OR.

Actually, there have been a series of similarities between the places I've lived and the path Beverly Cleary's life took -- she was born in Yamhill County, like me. She grew up in McMinnville, like me. When she lived in Portland, she lived in the same neighborhood I live in. She went to college in Ontario, CA which is close to Redlands, CA where I went to college.

Anyway, today I finally decided to take a walk and check things out but unfortunately the map provided by the Hollywood Library is not very specific. I mostly wanted to see Ramona Quimby's house, and the neighborhood she and Henry Huggins used to hang out in. I knew it was on Klickitat street, from the books, but the map showed Ramona's house as being on the corner of 28th and Klickitat. A map on Beverly Cleary's website showed the house on the corner of 32nd and Klickitat, and the short-lived Ramona TV series shows the house on the corner of 37th and Klickitat. Of course, the TV show's street sign has NE Klickitat crossing NW 37th, which makes no sense, so I think we can throw that out.

I walked up 33rd so I could pass Beverly Cleary's childhood home, but again, it was hard to figure out which house it was. The house on the corner of Tillamook and 33rd is the closest I could figure it, but there were "Private Property" signs and the place looked rundown and inhospitable, so I decided not to bother loitering around.

I passed the 76 station, which apparently also used to be a gas station back in the 50s. In the book HENRY AND RIBSY, Ribsy the dog steals a policeman's lunch at this location, which Cleary calls Al's Thrifty Service Station. Ribsy -- always causing trouble. Between Ramona and Ribsy always messing up his life, it's a wonder Henry didn't end up on anti-anxiety meds. I mean all he ever wanted was a sweet bike and a Chinook Salmon. But what does he get? A cranky 4-year-old and a thief of a dog.







Right next door is the QFC I shop at all the time. You know, the one that doesn't have a Cesar Chavez aisle? Apparently back in Ramona's day it was still under construction. In RAMONA THE PEST, when this was an empty construction site, Ramona got stuck in the mud and Henry Huggins had to rescue her. She repays him by saying she wants to marry him, which is a little uncool since it's pretty clear there's an unspoken love affair brewing between Henry and Ramona's sister, whose name was Beatrice but everyone called her Beezus.


Across the street, I passed Beverly Cleary School. Back when Beverly Cleary lived here it was Fernwood School. She called it Glenwood School in RAMONA THE BRAVE. This is where most of Ramona's battles with that bitch Susan (boing) occurred.

A few blocks later, I passed Grant Park, where Henry Huggins went digging for fishing worms. This is where the Ramona, Henry and Ribsy statues are located. I've checked those out before, though, so I skipped them this time.





This is NE Knott, most notable as the location of Henry Huggins' paper route from HENRY AND THE PAPER ROUTE and HENRY AND THE CLUBHOUSE. Henry took his paper route responsibilities very seriously, first filling in for Scooter and then getting a route of his own. Of course Ramona almost ruined everything for him, but that's to be expected.

A little ways up the hill and I finally reached the holy grail: NE Klickitat, the street Ramona and Henry both lived on. But, as I said before, it was a little hard to figure out where Ramona's house was supposed to be. I tried the 28th and Klickitat location first but the joke was on me -- most of the north side of 28th and Klickitat isn't even residential. There's some kind of playground or school or something there. Weird.

So, I decided the 32nd location must be the one, even though the houses didn't look quite like I had imagined.

Through process of elimination, I decided this must be Henry Huggins' house. It's on the corner of 32nd and Klickitat, and according to the map on Beverly Cleary's website, that's where Henry lived. Then again, also according to the map on Beverly Cleary's website, the next street after 32nd is 15th, so who knows what's going on. Anyway I didn't get a good look at the backyard so I can't confirm or deny the existence of the afore mentioned CLUB HOUSE. It does look like the house is for sale, though, so if anyone wants to live in the old Huggins residence, now's your chance.

Which leads us to the main event, the house of Ramona Quimby herself. Here, Ramona put her doll in the oven. Here, Picky-Picky was buried in the backyard. This is the very location where Ramona squeezed all the tooth paste into the sink and Willa Jean threw kleenex everywhere.

This is where Ramona's dad sat unemployed and watched TV. Where Beezus and Ramona launched an anti-smoking campaign in an attempt to save their fathers' life. Where Ramona lost her virginity to Howie on her 16th birthday and Beezus finally attempted suicide.

Just kidding. Those last two never happened. At least, not according to Beverly Cleary.

There's a RAMONA AND BEEZUS movie in production, currently, and while I feel it's about time she hit the silver screen, I'm a little disappointed it's being shot in Canada like every other movie. How cool would it be if a Ramona flick was shot right here on Klickitat street? One of the few popular literary characters with ties to Portland, and the movie's not even being shot here. What a wasted opportunity. Hopefully they'll at least send out the second unit to pick up some local flavor, but we'll see.

At least there's still hope for Henry Huggins.

Pillar of Smoke, Pillar of Fire

I wrote the following last year in anticipation of the first Tuesday, September 11th since THE Tuesday, September 11th. But, I didn't get it done in time. So, here it is now, a year later. Keep in mind, this was written during the old administration. It was too long, so I edited it down. It's still too long. Here goes:

About a year after the attacks on 9/11, the editor of my hometown newspaper asked if I wanted to contribute to a story about reactions to 9/11. The story was going to be 11 unique voices discussing 9/11. I was going to be the "young voice." I'd contributed to the paper off and on for years at that point, but I decided to turn it down. I didn't want to touch 9/11. I didn't want to put my own conflicted thoughts on the line. I didn't feel like a moment impossible to put into context should even be attempted to be put into context. Anything I'd write, I thought, would be fake. On top of that, it would be misunderstood. So, no thanks.

I do look back at the journal I kept in college, from time to time, and there are a few entries that stick in my memory. The entry from 9/11/01 is one of those. It was written before homeland security, before terror alerts, before the Iraq war, before FAHRENHEIT 9/11, before Abu Ghraib, and obviously before the 2004 and 2008 elections. I'm somewhat mystified by the things I wrote, the tone of what I wrote, and what it might mean, even to myself.

I wrote the entry while I was sitting in my Tuesday morning class, "Religion in America," waiting for class to start. I make a reference to my professor "playing name games" because of her annoying proclivity to conduct the class like she was dealing with elementary schoolers:

"So I'm here in class and the World Trade Center has been shot down with innocent civilian-filled bullets. Hundreds of pieces of human shrapnel. Both towers fell. And if the professor comes in, happy, playing name games, I don't know what I'll do. Probably sit and take it. Take the laughter and moving on in the face of charred innocent human bodies taking off half the Pentagon. What an economical, piece of shit way to fight a war. But all wars are pieces of shit, and so are the people who wage them in the name of the innocents who are recruited by propaganda, the draft board, or even hijacking. What a morning. It'll happen again, but hopefully never again here, as if anything can be controlled in this Godless spiral. We'll discuss it away, I know, like college students do. The U.S. can go around and mess with everyone else, but if someone does it to us. . . watch out, people here don't care about people who aren't white, they don't care about people who aren't Christian. . . if Kosovo is bombed off the face of the planet every few weeks, no one here says a word in protest. Say we blow up Baghdad to lower or raise gas prices. Who cares? Yay Bush."

The funny thing about the entry is that it says a lot about my gut feelings at the time but nothing about the actual sequence of events of the day, and 8 years later, the mundane events of daily life that morning stick with me more than those gut feelings do, if only because of how surreal they were.

I had just started my junior year of college in Southern California. I woke up at what must have been right around 6:30 am to the sound of my iMac beeping. It was my friend Clint instant messaging me. He was studying abroad in Prague, so he was wide awake and witnessing the news in real time. Our online conversation went something like this:

Clint: Are you seeing this?

Me: What?

Clint: Planes are falling out of the sky. One just hit the World Trade Center.

Me: Is this some kind of accident or hijacking or what?

Clint: They're not sure, probably hijacking. The tower just fell.

I would have checked my TV, but it was useless. We didn't have cable, and the cement walls of the dorms didn't allow for decent TV reception. I tried the CNN website, but it was too clogged up to see any video.

Before I left for class, I decided I better tell my sleeping roommate what was going on, so I shook him awake.

"Planes just crashed into the World Trade Center," I said, "The buildings fell down."

He mumbled something incoherent, rolled over, and went back to sleep.

I stepped out into the hallway. I expected people to be looking out their doors, or standing in the hall talking to each other about what had just happened, but there was no one around. As I neared the door to the stairwell, I heard a door open and close behind me and saw my friend Matt heading towards his room. He had an even earlier morning class than I had, and was just returning.

"Did you hear?" I asked.

"Hear what?" he said, unlocking the door to his room.

"Planes crashed into the World Trade Center and the buildings collapsed," I said.

"What?" he asked.

"I have to go to class," I said, and since he had cable, "Turn on your TV."

I drove to the coffee shop I usually went to each morning and listened to AM radio. Some talkshow host was droning on:

"This whole thing reminds me of a scene in THE GODFATHER," he said. "There's a scene where Sonny Corleone is talking to Tom Hagan, and he has to break the news to him that he's firing him as his Consiglieri. During peace time, Tom Hagan was a fine Consiglieri, but now that the mob is at war, Sonny needs a new Consiglieri, because, according to Sonny, Tom Hagan is not a war time Consiglieri. So, I'm glad George Bush is president right now. Because Bill Clinton just isn't a war time Consiglieri."

This struck me as stupid then, and with the benefit of hindsight, has since been revealed as even stupider than I originally thought.

At the coffee shop, no one said anything. I ordered with my mouth shut, they made my drink with their mouths shut, no one even mentioned the tragedy, but you could feel it in the air.

Back in the car, I got some more AM radio. They were already starting to mention the name Osama Bin Laden, though back then they called him Usama Bin Laden, pronounced "ooo-sama." This was followed by mentions of the Taliban, which no one really talks about anymore in favor of Al Queda. Anyway, the mention of the name confirmed what I had been fearing, though I hadn't realized I had been fearing it, yet. As I parked and walked to class it became clear to me that I had been pushing thoughts about who was responsible for this into the back of my mind and that I was afraid to find out who had done it because I was afraid to find out what the U.S. would do in return.

I didn't want to admit it consciously, but I was worrying about what the aftermath would be. World War III?

With the mention of Bin Laden it became clear that this was probably the work of Muslim Extremists, which meant that everything they had ever threatened had come to pass, and everything every anti-Muslim extremist had threatened had also come to pass. There would be little chance of any other aftermath excluding war, which would include the bombing of innocents.

The attacks complicated things for someone who considered themselves to be open-minded. Suddenly, overnight, open-mindedness seemed to have been proven to be TOO open-minded. Sympathy towards innocent victims of war seemed to be TOO sympathetic. For the first time, I felt afraid to speak my mind, for fear of how it might me look, or what it might provoke in others -- after all, the nightmare had come true. The same way Saturday Night Live had to decide when it was okay to be funny again, I had to decide when it would be okay to be liberal again.

When I got to class my professor was appropriately somber. She had taped the news coverage and we watched it all morning as most students hadn't seen it yet. Then we discussed, as college students do. Being a religion class, the discussions always veered towards the emotional as the more conservative students felt threatened by an academic and intellectual approach towards theology. But this morning, everyone was even more defensive and emotional than usual, for obvious reasons, with most students voicing a, "Kill 'em all!" and "Vengeance now!" attitude.

Despite my own journal entry which was alternately militant, angry and nihilistic, this response from fellow students depressed me. Without even knowing who did it, or why they did it, or even considering how we'd go about punishing what appeared to be a terrorist organization and not a country, these students were ready to nuke the Middle East. Our own innocents were dying as collateral damage in a political/Holy war, and these students were ready to kill other innocents in countries where innocents die all the time. I thought, the way I feel about the people who just died in America is probably the way these people in third world countries feel every day with every suicide bomb: scared, angry and confused.

The following weeks and months were all defined by the disaster:

A current events class that started out with a long list of issues to discuss ended up being an all 9/11 class, all the time.

Once, I asked the Chaplain how I could register as a conscientious objector, and a female student overheard me and asked if I felt bad that I didn't want to go over there and fight, and let other people die in my place. She wasn't asking because she was doing anything to fight. She just felt self righteous because her boyfriend was in the military. It was easy for her not to worry about a draft, because it'd be a cold day in hell before the drafted women. Anyway, I didn't give her a good answer, but I wasn't afraid of dying as much as I was of being ordered to kill people.

I drew a cartoon for the school paper based on student reactions to the event and instantly regretted it. I felt like I wanted to say something poignant and meaningful, but as soon as I saw it in print, I asked myself, "What can you say about a disaster like this? How can you even attempt to put it in words, hoping for some kind of perspective that isn't there?"

Oliver Stone came to speak and stirred a controversy. He was late, he cursed in the chapel, and he dared to talk about the geo-political implications of 9/11. Front page school paper stuff. Nevermind that the reason he's famous in the first place is that he's controversial -- the students and indignant parents didn't want to hear any of it.

I was interested in hearing what he had to say and was glad everyone was pissed. No one else was saying anything interesting about 9/11 -- it was just "the march to war" and "these colors don't run" and "it's a flag not a rag." People were proudly sticking American flags on their SUVs and then letting them blow off in the wind and rot on the freeway under tire treads at 80 mph. But no one was saying anything controversial, unless you counted Jerry Falwell who said the attacks were caused by "pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays, lesbians, the American Civil Liberties Union and the People for the American Way." Or, Bill Maher, who said the terrorists weren't cowards, and go this show canceled.

Interestingly enough, a couple years later, Oliver Stone released a film called WORLD TRADE CENTER, about the brave firefighters who risked their lives on 9/11. I wonder what the indignant students and parents had to say about that?

In fact, I spend a lot of time wondering what people think. What do the people of Iraq think, now? What is George W. Bush thinking? What are the citizens of America who voted him into a second term thinking?

Unfortunately, I'll never really know. All I'll ever hope to know is what I think, and most of it is formed from my memories of those confusing days after 9/11 and before history. The problem is, no matter how much I hope, I don't know if I'll ever know what to think.

Paramount Pictures meets me halfway

Looks like Paramount pictures got my open letter.

Here's the new STAR TREK box art:



They have rectified a few of my complaints. Let's review:

1.) People's faces

Check. THREE people's faces. Nice job.

2.) A chick

Check! ONE chick.

3.) Explosions

Still no explosions but a close inspection does reveal sparks are flying as if something is being welded nearby, so that's close.

4.) Memorable scenes from the movie

Not quite. . . but the picture of the Enterprise flying through space looks way more action packed here than it does without the faces and sparks added, so again, close.

5.) Vehicles

Still just the Enterprise. Really a shame they couldn't have added that sweet car or Kirk's motorcycle.

6.) Colors

Again, kind of dropping the ball here but closer observation reveals the afore-mentioned welding sparks ARE actually in color. Nice. Still, it doesn't accurately represent one of the best aspects of the movie which is just how pretty it is to look at.

You're welcome, Paramount Pictures.

The Little Red Pickup Truck

There's a little red pickup truck parked in front of my apartment building in one of the choicest spots on the street. It was parked there over a year ago when I moved in. It hasn't moved the whole time I've been here.

In that time, the nearby intersection has been reconstructed into a four-way stop, there has been a snow storm, a heat wave, and almost an entire building has been built nearby.

Things keep appearing in the bed of the truck. First it was just a set of window blinds, the long plastic slats that hang down and clack against each other. The blinds were joined by what appears to be a comforter, and this was finally topped off by a broken down coffee table.

The wind shield sees most of the action, though. Usually it's in the form of different colored notices reminding the truck that it has been there for over 24 hours and that it might get towed. The most recent notice was purple. Maybe that means something.

It's not always paper notices, though. One time the truck was egged. A heat wave came along and cooked the yolks and shells to the surface of the truck. Months later, they're still there.

An eco-system is sprouting up under the truck. The blacktop beneath the truck hasn't seen daylight for over a year, so a forest is growing. Green weeds sprout through the pavement in the protective shadow of the little red pickup truck.

Once the street was shut down for road construction and we were warned a day in advance that there would be no parking for the next 24 hours, and anything parked there would be towed. I thought for sure that would be the last I ever saw of the truck, but it's still there, untouched, to this day.

I wonder who abandoned it and under what circumstances. I wonder if it was an interesting story or a boring one. A cool person or a lame one. A funny situation or a tragic one. Or maybe it was all those things, or none.

I have to admit, I'm pretty impressed with the lack of vandalism the truck has undergone over the last year. Sure, there was the egging, and people seem to like to put things in the bed of the truck, but otherwise it looks the same as it did the day I moved in. Sometimes I leave town for a week or so and worry my car will be gone or destroyed by the time I get back. But then I think about the red pickup truck and how everything around it changes and it just stays the same and it kind of comforts me.

Not as much as it would comfort me if someone would tow it so I could park there.

But, a little.

The Earth Liberation Front is Stupid

On CNN today I read that the Earth Liberation Front is claiming responsibility for knocking down two AM radio towers in Snohomish County, Washington.

Why did the Earth Liberation Front do this? My guess would be they did it for publicity. Knock something big over, get on the news, get more money and members with free advertising.

But, according to their statement, that wasn't it at all. Really it was because, "AM radio waves cause adverse health effects including higher rates of cancer, harm to wildlife," and, "the signals have been interfering with home phone and intercom lines."

Okay, let's assume this is really why they knocked the towers down.

Question 1: Do AM radio waves cause cancer?

Answer: In order to answer this question you need to have a simple understanding of three things: how does cancer work, how do AM radio waves work, and is there something common to those two things that would add up to one causing the other. For example: all known carcinogens (radiation, chemicals, viruses) cause cancer by breaking chemical bonds and producing mutant strands of DNA.

So, for AM radio waves to cause cancer, they have to be proven to break chemical bonds and produce mutant strands of DNA. What method would AM radio waves use to do this? Well, AM radio waves work the same way all other radio waves work, whether it's FM, TV, microwave ovens, cell phones, Wi-Fi, cordless phones, garage door openers, radio controlled toys, GPS receivers, satellites, etc. Simply put, they're a form of electromagentic radiation.

What's that? Radiation? Didn't I just say above that radiation is known to cause cancer? Yes. But not electromagnetic radiation at low frequencies, which is what AM radio -- in fact, the frequency is known as RF or "radio frequency." Check it out: electromagnetic radiation comes from photons and the energy of the photons varies depending on the frequency. It has been estimated that 1 million photons in a power line have the same amount of energy as just 1 photon in a microwave oven, and 1,000 microwave photons are equal to about 1 photon of light. So, are the photons generated by AM radio waves at a frequency than can break the electron bonds that hold DNA together, thus causing cancer?

Nope. The whole RF part of the electromagnetic spectrum is made up of forms of non-ionizing radiation. Examples of ionizing radiation include x-rays and gamma rays, and these forms of radiation have enough energy to break the bonds that hold DNA together. RF can't even enter tissue, let alone break down DNA. A cell phone, for instance, is 1o million times weaker than the lowest energy ionizing radiation. AM radio waves are stronger than cell phones, but they're still radio waves (non-ionizing radiation).

So, we know how cancer works. We know how AM radio waves work. There doesn't seem to be a link between them. This doesn't mean it's completely impossible that some day we might find out there is some link. It does mean that based on everything that science has taught us it's incredibly improbable and unlikely and not worth knocking AM radio towers down over.

Question 2: Let's say AM radio waves cause cancer. Do the Earth Liberation Front's claims even hold up logically to their own theory?

Answer: No. If AM radio waves caused cancer, it would be likely that other forms of electromagnetic radiation cause cancer, too. So, the Earth Liberation Front should be knocking down TV towers, too. The reason I mention this is because, aside from health defects, the Earth Liberation Front mentions IN THEIR OWN STATEMENT that their other reason for knocking down the AM radio towers was, ""the signals have been interfering with home phone and intercom lines." Well, dumb-dumbs, phones (portable ones) and intercoms USE RADIO WAVES. Sure, they're lower frequency, but it's the exact same technology and most people get physically closer to a phone or intercom than they ever would to an AM radio tower (unless you're in the process of knocking one down). So you think radio waves cause cancer, but it annoys you when one form of cancer causing radio wave disrupts another form of cancer causing radio wave. That makes sense.

Question 3: Does the Earth Liberation Front honestly believe their own claims, or are they being intellectually dishonest and hiding their real motives?

Answer: That's impossible to tell. Either way it has the same end result -- they get publicity. So even if they honestly believe AM radio towers cause cancer (a theory which their worry about phones and intercoms undermines), they still get publicity from knocking down the tower. The entire CNN article is based on a news release / statement made by the Earth Liberation Front itself, so it would seem to me that they're actively trying to promote the fact that they knocked down the AM radio towers. Anyway, my guess would be members of the organization have TVs, wi-fi, cell phones, microwaves, garage door openers and other forms of electromagnetic radiation IN THEIR OWN HOMES. But, getting rid of these would make life immediately less convenient on a personal level. Knocking down an AM tower in the middle of the night just takes a couple hours and no resources -- you steal someone else's excavating machine and knock over someone else's tower -- then you can go back to the radio-wave filled comfort of your own home.

What really bugs me is the fact that the CNN article doesn't mention once that AM radio towers don't even cause cancer. I know they're trying to be impartial and objective, but simply repeating the Earth Liberation Front's claims and not examining the other side of the issue is not the same as being impartial and objective. They do note that the government considers the Earth Liberation Front domestic terrorists, and they interview the people at the radio station about their reaction to the attack, but they don't address the whole reason behind the attack in the first place. So, a reasonable reader could read the article and think, "Well it was an extreme thing to do, but cancer is bad, so I guess they made a good point." If CNN wants to lead the reader to an impartial and objective conclusion, it is their job to explore the science behind the Earth Liberation Front's claims.

Sources:

Trottier, Lorne. 2009. "EMF and health: A Growing Hysteria. Skeptical Inquirer. September/October.

http://www.cancer.org/docroot/PED/content/PED_1_3X_Cellular_Phone_Towers.asp?sitearea=PED

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/09/04/washington.towers.terrorism/index.html