Cliche

I saw a dog peeing on a fire hydrant today.

I was like, "Dude. That's so cliche."

Porn 'n' Chicken

Whenever I buy Kentucky Fried Chicken, I'm ashamed to carry it from my car to my apartment in its big embarrassing clearly labeled bag.

They should put it in a brown paper bag or, if it has to be plastic, a black one so you can't see through it. Kind of like they do in porno shops.

I mean, like I imagine they do in porno shops.

Where have all the Yasmine Bleeths gone?

When I was in my early teens, BAYWATCH was enjoying its most popular years on television. It was syndicated, so even a kid without cable, like me, could enjoy it.

The chick everyone talked about who has become synonymous with the whole BAYWATCH phenomenon was Pamela Anderson, who played CJ Parker, but I always liked the "other girl" better -- whoever it happened to be. Anderson was too pre-packaged, too much of a classic "babe." The hair was too big, it was too blonde. The boobs were too big, they were too tan. And possibly most annoying of all, the character of CJ was an airhead who believed in all kinds of crazy superstitions. Don't get me wrong -- it's not as if I was repulsed by her. I mean, I was 14. Still, I always preferred whoever they put up in contrast to her.

First, I preferred Nicole Eggert, who played Summer Quinn. It helped that I had a crush on her left over from CHARLES IN CHARGE. But, she was also just more accessible than Pamela Anderson. Especially the first season Eggert was on the show. She was flat chested, played a younger girl just training to become a life guard, who lived in a trailer with her mom. Instead of dwelling on the magic of alternative medicine and stuff like that, she had practical concerns like. . . uh. . . her crippling fear of heights, for instance. Or, her struggles to make ends meet with her single mom. In my dumb teenage mind I thought "This girl is attainable! She's no pipe dream like CJ Parker! She's the real deal!"

So, I liked her more. Little did I know that very soon she'd be replaced by an even greater beauty -- Yasmine Bleeth, who played Caroline Holden.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me just point out that my Eggert fantasy was dashed when she got implants, became a full time life guard, moved out of the trailer, and started dating Kelly Slater. She went from super hot girl next door to the poor man's CJ Parker overnight. And that was the end for us.

Anyway, this whole time there was a third chick on the show who was the token "opposite" chick -- her whole job was to be the opposite of Summer and CJ, so, when you're 14, you don't even think about her. This was Stephanie Holden, played by Alexandra Paul. She was athletic instead of curvy, had no implants to speak of, had brown hair instead of blonde, and it was cut short and boyish instead of long and fluffy and Playboyish. She was the practical one with feminist ideals. Or, at least, ideals that seemed feministy compared to the rest of the show.

When they were phasing Summer out of the show, they brought in Stephanie's sister -- Caroline Holden. She was a shorter, curvier, less serious and more exotic version of her sister. Her brown hair still stood out in contrast to CJ's blonde, and her body, while voluptuous, still managed to come off as somewhat more natural than CJ's. And, though the character was dumber than her sister Stephanie, she was still a genius compared to CJ. This was Yasmine Bleeth.

With Summer first artificially inflated and then ditched from the show, my affections turned towards Yasmine. Around age 15 if you would have asked me who the hottest chick on the planet was, I would have said Yasmine Bleeth.

I started clipping pictures of her out of magazines and creating a special corner of my gigantic wall collage specifically dedicated to Yasmine. I even bought a poster of her wearing a blue swimsuit somewhat reminiscent of lingerie but I was too ashamed to put it up on my bedroom wall so it stayed rolled up in my closet until halfway through college when I decided it would be ironically hilarious to hang it up in my bathroom over the toilet.

What was so appealing about her? At the risk of sounding like a total pig (too late!), I will try to explain it. I guess it was a combination of her looking somewhat exotic while also being healthily voluptuous. Despite her killer body, you didn't get the impression that she was super fake and she wasn't deathly skinny like all the models of the time. She actually had hips, which somehow made her huge breasts okay. She was a brunette, which made her tan look real. Her body matched itself. There was a symmetry there lacking in a lot of other so-called sex symbols who were, and still are, built on dramatic bodily mood swings -- girls with no hips but giant breasts -- bright white hair contrasted with dark brown skin. Parts that don't seem to match.

And the way those eye brows arched, and that button nose. Sheesh.

There was a stretch where Yasmine seemed like she might be one of the only BAYWATCH girls to break the stigma and move on to other more respectable things, but it wasn't meant to be. She hit the wrong side of the tabloids a couple times for drug related problems and then faded from the acting scene only to be replaced by a revolving door of soulless plastic CJ wannabes like Carmen Electra, Gena Lee Nolin and Donna D'Erico.

Then again, it should be noted that in some show of self respect, Yasmine has remained one of the only BAYWATCH girls not to turn up naked anywhere, whether in officially sanctioned B-movies and magazine photo shoots, or in stolen sex tapes. I defy you to find any Yasmine nudity on the internet.

If you can, you're a better detective than I am.

And send me the link.

I'm in England, Let's Check it Out! Episode 4: Castle

I'm in England, Let's Check it Out! Episode 3: Beer

I'm in England, Let's Check it Out! Episode 2: Fish & Chips

I'm in England, Let's Check it Out! Episode 1: Abbey Road