Top 10 Movies of 2010

I've been kind of dragging my feet putting together my 10 best list for 2010. Don't get me wrong, I realize I don't have to do it and that I just do it for fun and that I actually enjoy listing every single movie I see each year, where I saw it, who I saw it with and how much I liked it. Still, as 2010 was coming to a close I kept looking at my list and not being thrilled with much, which I haven't felt in a couple years. The last few years have actually been really good for movies -- this has been the first bummer year in a while, as far as I'm concerned. Living in Portland, I normally have to wait a month or two after the end of the year before I really feel like I've seen everything I wanted to see, since a lost of the "awards season" stuff takes a while to get out here. This year I'm afraid no matter how long I wait, nothing's going to blow me away.

All that said, I still love movies, and I still love going to the movies, and there was still a lot of stuff to celebrate this year. It's just not as exciting, for whatever reason, to come up with the 10 best this time. I'm not sure why. A couple of the things I really got excited about this year were on TV -- the second season of BORED TO DEATH, for instance. As I was watching it, I kept thinking, "If this was a movie, it'd be my favorite movie of the year." I also said that about LOUIE.

Anyway, I made four or five different lists before I settled on the one below. The movies are listed in no particular order except that I've saved the best for last. There are 10 or 15 other titles that could have probably just as easily been on this list, and made their way in and out of the list several times as I juggled it around.

Toy Story 3

Pixar does it again. Every year people say, "This is the time Pixar drops the ball," and every year Pixar doesn't drop the ball. This movie was personal to me for some of the same reasons TOY STORY 2 was back in the 90s, most of them involving my own nostalgia. I was a big action figure guy when I was a kid, more than most of my friends, I think, who preferred to ride bikes and play outside. I liked that stuff, too, but before I could write and when I wasn't drawing, I liked to act out big intricate stories with my action figures. Sometimes I followed the rules and Superman was Superman, Han Solo was Han Solo. Other times I just cast them each in parts as if they were actors, and made up my own stories that way.

In any case, I can totally identify with this story on that level -- it's about the main kid, Andy, growing up, having to let go of his toys, thinking he's too grown up to worry about them and then finding out at the last second that he does actually care. The movie doesn't just play on the nostalgia everyone has to one degree or another for their own childhood, but also on the nostalgic goodwill that the previous movies in the series have built up over the years. At this point, it's almost like Woody and Buzz Lightyear are OUR old toys, and WE'RE the ones threatening to throw them out.

But the movie is also about the neuroses of the toys themselves -- they're needy little characters who identify totally with their purpose in life, which is to be there for their owner. In that sense, TOY STORY 3 isn't just about nostalgia -- it's also about getting wrapped up in your own head, trying to find your place in life, trying to figure out who you are and how that relates to others. That's why these neurotic little toys are so three dimensional -- because they're not perfect. They need unabashedly.

Oh, and the movie is funny, and beautiful to look at, too, so that helps.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Speaking of funny and beautiful to look at, the first time I saw the trailer for SCOTT PILGRIM I thought, "Someone has looked into my brain and made a movie specifically for me." I talked to one of my college buddies and he said almost the same thing -- "It's like someone made a movie specifically for our generation. I wonder if anyone else gets it?" I ran right out and read all the comic books in preparation, loved them, and then -- was kinda disappointed.

But, I did it to myself. I wanted to love SCOTT PILGRIM so much that it didn't really stand a chance. Still, it is one of the only movies of 2010 that I've watched more than once, and each time I watch it I like it more.

The beauty of SCOTT PILGRIM is that it's about real life, but it's set in a fantasy world. This is an age old device, and it almost always works. The fantasy element serves to make the real life elements seem that much more real, instead of the other way around. Michael Cera plays Scott Pilgrim, a self-involved, immature 20-something who spends his time playing in a garage band and stringing along his high school age girlfriend (Ellen Wong). Everything changes when he meets his literal dream woman (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and devotes his life to winning her heart -- by defeating her 7 evil exes. Of course, this is all a red herring. Really he just needs to grow up.

This is all played out in a landscape of comic book, video game and pop culture references the likes of which you might expect from a generation who had 100 channels to watch, all out of context. But the charm of the movie is in the quirks -- every character is an individual, and they're all funny, especially Scott's roommate (Kieran Culkin).

Look -- maybe I just like this movie because it's about a guy with a big crush on a girl with pink hair, a dry sense of humor, killer style, commitment issues and a lot of baggage.

I need to grow up.

Black Swan

Speaking of chicks with baggage. Holy shit! Natalie Portman plays probably one of the biggest messes to hit the screen in recent memory in BLACK SWAN, which does for ballet what director Aronofsky's THE WRESTLER did for. . . uh, wrestling. That is, it takes a broken person, gives them a chance at redemption, and sits back to watch them fuck it up.

The cool thing about Aronofsky's flicks, of which he's never made a bad one, is that they all tend to kind of quietly simmer. . . eventually the heat picks up, everything reaches a boil, the lid blows off and -- the end. You could also compare it to a roller coaster, but not in the sense that there are lots of ups and downs -- more like the first half of the movie is the slow build up to the top of the hill, then the last 15 minutes or so is the quick plummet to the bottom. It's tempting to compare the style to an explosive symphony, especially since much of the movie is accompanied by the tragic theme from SWAN LAKE. For Universal horror fans, this brings to mind the classic monsters like DRACULA and THE MUMMY, though BLACK SWAN has more in common with the hysterics of the Italian horror cinema of the 60s and 70s, or maybe even the garish Hammer productions from England that attempted to rewrite Universal's rules. There's blood, there's sex, there's scenery chewing.

Portman will almost certainly win the Academy Award for Best Actress this year, and I think she deserves it. Depending on the project, she can range from brilliant to wooden, but in this flick she really taps into her inner child-star and lets that little girl vulnerability show through. At the heart of this movie is a girl who is repressed in a profession where you're supposed to be able to express not just feeling but overblown, raw emotion. The thing she's best at is the same thing she can never be perfect at.

Somewhere

Sofia Coppola's new flick is quiet and slow. A lot of the shots linger longer than audiences are used to. A lot of the scenes continue to play long after another director would cut away. And that's exactly why I like it.

Stephen Dorff plays a Hollywood star, holed up in his Chateau Marmont room, sharing some of his days with his 11-year-old daughter (Elle Fanning). He's partied out, he doesn't say much, he doesn't seem to have much of a personality. He's polite and affable enough, but it's almost like he's detached and slightly amused with his own boredom.

There are no stunning revelations or major show stopping scenes. Just small observations. You might think, who cares if this movie star is unhappy. What, am I supposed to feel bad for this guy with his endless booze, strippers, casual sex and silent hotel servants asking no questions?

Still, regardless of the trappings, I can identify with the simplicity of a man, alone, in a room. When you're done staring at the walls, what else is there to do? Getting over yourself and growing up would be one suggestion. But that's tough.

Hey, wait. Are all these movies about growing up?

The Social Network

This one definitely is. Or, at least, it's about someone who needs to grow up -- Jesse Eisenberg plays the dude who created Facebook, one of the most influential websites of the last several years. The whole concept is born out of immaturity.

Eisenberg is great as the simultaneously obsessive, genius and clueless innovator. It's almost like he was born to rattle off Aaron Sorkin's famously convoluted dialogue, which can ring false when coming out of lesser actors. Or, maybe it's just that Sorkin's famously convoluted dialogue is even more suited here, among a world of socially inept web designers, than it is in the halls of the White House or backstage at a TV show. Or, maybe it's both.

Whatever the case is, rarely has a movie been more about its own time. Sure, it takes place a few years ago, and it's not about the monster Facebook is now, but more about how it got that way, but still -- this isn't a metaphor like the CRUCIBLE or a Vietnam flick a decade after the war. This is literally a movie about what's important now, how the world is changing now, and what that means.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

This movie is dark, and brutal, and has some ugly moments. The literal translation of the original Swedish title is something like MEN WHO HATE WOMEN. And it's an apt title. So it's surprising how warm it also is. I was trying to describe my feelings on this subject to someone the other day and this is what I came up with:

The world of THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO is so bleak, violent, harsh, lonely and full of people you can't trust, that when any of the characters show even one sliver of humanity, it's a huge relief. The villains in this film may be psychotic killers, but the heroes are not saints. They're not perfect. They're just decent. And that's nice.

This is ostensibly a whodunit, but like the best mysteries, it relies more on character than plot. Sure, the plot is involving, but we really watch to see how the characters interact, and grow, and change. On one hand we've got a truth seeking journalist (Michael Nyqvist) and on the other we've got a girl hacker with . . . issues (Noomi Rapace). She's fiercely independent, doesn't trust anyone (for good reason), and you don't want to fuck with her. But, she's still human.

Look -- maybe I just like it because it's about a girl who wears all black, has lots of piercings and tattoos, lives behind a seemingly impenetrable wall and carries tons of baggage.

Biutiful

Javier Bardem stars as a criminal thug who's dying of cancer. He's not cut out for crime -- he has too much empathy for the illegal immigrants he's supposed to be exploiting. He's a good father, but every time he looks at his kids he thinks about how he's going to have to leave them prematurely as his death is imminent. He can't trust their mother to care for them, but even though she's a mess, he still he loves her.

As he has with previous films, director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu weaves together a variety of characters with different cultures and backgrounds and tells a story that is both firmly rooted in a gritty, filthy reality and allowed to take metaphysical flights of fancy.

Even as the hand held camera weaves around the alleys and basements of a poverty stricken metropolis, and the story seems to get aggressively uglier and uglier, Inarritu still really does find beauty. There's a scene where Bardem gives a gift to his kids and tells them to always remember him that single handedly earns the title of the film.

Inception

There's nothing quite as satisfying as a good, solid entertainment and INCEPTION is one. It's an interesting premise that totally pays off, complete with great effects and performances. No other movie this year kept the audience on the edge of their seats like this one did.

It's nice a guy like Christopher Nolan has come along to inject a little class into the summer blockbuster. The major spectacle of last year, AVATAR, was great in its own right but sacrificed brains for visual wonders. INCEPTION has it both ways -- this is a visually stunning world, in its own way, completely married to the very concepts that move the story along. I've said before Nolan is a master of misdirection, and he still is -- he practices a cinematic sleight of hand that is reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock or the best episodes of THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

All that's great, but it's also tied to a human story -- DiCaprio is great at projecting high tension and stress, boiling beneath the surface, in this case stemming from a desperate need to get back to his family life, and reconcile traumatic experiences from his past romantic relationship. And, Nolan regular Cillian Murphy does a lot with his few moments of screen time and basic subplot -- you cast a guy like that, it does half the writing for you. The same can be said for Michael Caine, Ellen Page, and the rest of the great ensemble cast, another hallmark of Nolan's best flicks.

True Grit

Like SCOTT PILGRIM, I built my expectations up so high for TRUE GRIT that I couldn't help but be let down a little, but it's all my fault. I heard Wester, Coens, and Jeff Bridges, and I thought -- this may be the best film ever made. Well, it's not the best ever, but it's damn good.

Most of the movie rests on the shoulders of young Hailee Steinfeld who has rightfully been nominated for an Academy Award (even if it was unrightfully in the supporting category -- oh well, at least this way she stands a chance at winning). The Coens trust this young actress to carry almost every scene of the movie, going up against and teaming up with a legend like Jeff Bridges who would win an Oscar this year if he didn't already last year.

The Coens slide easily into the Western genre, which they kinda/sorta visited before with NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, seizing on the antiquated language of the time to get their subtle but sharp humor across. Still, this is not an ironic or cynical affair. The Coens are not too cool for TRUE GRIT -- and I wanted to cry at the end, when Rooster Cogburn carried the girl home.

Blue Valentine

Well, I thought it over, and I think BLUE VALENTINE is the best film of the year. I'd heard a little about the movie before I went to see it, mostly related to the NC-17 rating that was appealed down to an R. That, coupled with the knowledge that this was an unblinkingly harsh look at a disintegrating relationship was enough to almost scare me off.

Still, all the buzz was that it was a good flick and the only flicks that ever REALLY depress me are the shitty ones. A good one, even if it's depressing, makes me happy, because it's good. So, I took the risk.

To be honest, my real fear was that I'd identify too strongly with Ryan Gosling's character. As the movie unfolds, he's revealed to be a hopeless romantic, child-like in nature, the kind of dude who is comfortable joking his way through almost any situation. But, from what I'd read, it was my understanding he was the one who remained devoted to the relationship as it deteriorated, and he tried to hold on, confused as to why things were changing. That's the part I was afraid of. I didn't know if I could take it. Well, okay, of course I could take it, but I didn't know if I wanted to try.

Luckily, the truth was somewhere in the middle. The Michelle Williams character has her share of issues, to be sure, but as the movie plays out both Gosling and Williams are given their positives and negatives. In one scene, you agree with Gosling that Williams is being frustratingly distant. In the next, you're fed up with Gosling's immaturity and agree with Williams that it's time for him to grow up.

Although this movie is painful, it is not the relentless dirge that I was afraid it would be. Amidst the darkness, it has plenty of beautiful and light moments, including one that is featured prominently in the trailer and is so charming it STILL works in the movie even if you've already seen it. Most importantly, Williams and Gosling expertly play two characters who are so well fleshed out they seem real -- you forget you're watching a fictional story and feel like you're watching the most intimate documentary ever made. Because of this, you can relate to them, and because you can relate to them it's not as if the story is so dark as to be alien and cold. It's often uncomfortable to recognize real moments in BLUE VALENTINE, but it's also enlightening.

I was afraid Williams and Gosling would seem so real that it would backfire -- people would forget that these were performances and they'd get snubbed come Awards time. Looks like that wasn't entirely true, so that's great. Without them, there would be no movie. They're so fully entangled with BLUE VALENTINE and clearly put so much out there that they become inseparable from the rest of the material, and I guess that's what makes it so great -- it gets to a point where the performances, the music, the images and the script all get so wrapped up together that it becomes something entirely unique unto itself, and I guess that's what all the best movies try to do.

Now some runners up in no particular order:

Shutter Island

When I saw this movie early in the year, I thought for sure it'd be on my 10 best list. Oh well.

The King's Speech

A great crowd pleaser and feel good flick; not the stuffy borefest you might be fearing.

Get Him to the Greek

Is it weird that I got kind of teary when Russell Brand sang "Inside of You"?

Machete

Probably the most fun I had in a movie theater all year (not counting BACK TO THE FUTURE)

The Girl Who Played with Fire

The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest

Not as good as the first GIRL movie, but still solid.

Un Prophete

Those trailers that compare it to THE GODFATHER are actually not far off.

Another Year

A nice and airy (but not dumb) showcase for lots of great acting.

Exit Through the Gift Shop

Is it a hoax? Is it real? Who cares, as long as it's good.

Restrepo

It's insane that the filmmakers were able to get this footage of a platoon in Afghanistan.

Winter's Bone

Like FARGO, without the jokes!

And, just for fun, my LEAST favorite film of 2010:

The Virginity Hit

Congrats, you figured out a way to make a coming of age comedy about teenage dudes getting laid that I didn't like.

Joke retraction

Much like giant douche bag Dane Cook, I've stolen a joke!

Unlike giant douche bag Dane Cook, I'll fess up.

My buddy at work today told me that comedian Nick Kroll's special was on TV the other day, and in that special he said that Magic Johnson would die of old AIDS. When I said it last Tuesday, I knew it was too good to be true, so after cracking myself and my friends up, I went home and typed "Magic Johnson old AIDS" into Google to make sure it wasn't already out there somewhere. I didn't think I'd heard it, but you know, it doesn't take a genius to come up with something like that, so I figured it might be out there somewhere already. I didn't come up with anything at a cursory glance, so I felt comfortable repeating it here in the previous post.

Out of curiosity I checked to see who Nick Kroll is, since I didn't recognize his name, and it turns out he's the dude who plays Ruxin on THE LEAGUE. I had just singled him out for his killer delivery a couple weeks ago when discussing THE LEAGUE with a friend, so it turns out I was his fan and didn't even know it.

So, Nick Kroll, I'm sorry I stole your joke. I didn't mean to. Unlike some people. Who do it on purpose. Named Dane Cook.

Maybe Dane Cook will die of old AIDS.

20 questions that could change my life!

I checked CNN today and they had a story called "20 questions that could change your life." I clicked on it and found out it was actually an article from Oprah.com written by a chick named Martha Beck, who polled a bunch of other broads and came up with the following questions. She says asking these questions could redirect your life, but answering them every day will TRANSFORM your life.

Hot damn, let's give it a try.

1. What questions should I be asking myself?

Well. I guess this list of 20 questions. Right? You tell me, Martha Beck.

2. Is this what I want to be doing?

Is what what I want to be doing? Martha says ask this a bunch of times every day. So I guess it's general and ever-changing. Like, when I was eating shredded wheat this morning -- is this what I want to be doing? I mean, on one hand, sure -- I'm hungry and I want a relatively low calorie cereal that will fill me up. On the other hand, no. I'd rather sleep in, not eat breakfast, eat way less healthy shit for breakfast, etc. But, I think in the long run, I'll be happier if I stick to shredded wheat.

3. Why worry?

Why worry? Why care? I may not have a dime, but I've got street savoir-faire. No, I don't, either. That's why I worry.

4. Why do I like {insert word here} more than I like {insert word here}?

Well, DEEP SPACE 9 has a continuing story arc and compelling three dimensional characters. VOYAGER is more like the same thing over and over again and all the characters are vapid and empty, and it's just like a shittier version of NEXT GENERATION.

5. How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?

I want less people to believe in the bullshit lies Oprah and her kind spread. YOU'RE KILLING BABIES, OPRAH! STOP IT!

6. How do I want to be different because I lived in this world?

I'd like to have more sex partners, please.

7. Are {insert word here} better people?

Everyone I know? I hope not, man.

8. What is my body telling me?

This broad Martha Beck says your body recoils from what's bad and leans into what's good. So I'm supposed to listen to it. She says her mind lies to her, so don't listen to that. Okay. So, my body tells me beer is the best thing ever and exercise is evil. Thanks, body.

9. How much junk could a chic chick chuck if a chic chick could chuck junk?

What the fuck? Wait. She explains, "You'd be better off without some of your relationships, many of your possessions, and most of your thoughts." Huh. So. . . okay, so. . . Wait. You're telling me to get rid of stuff. How's that a question?

10. What's so funny?

I am. I love myself for my sense of humor. Without it, I'd be even more bored and filled with hate than usual. I wish there was another one of me so me and him could be best friends and crack each other up all day. The other day I said, "Magic Johnson is going to die of Old AIDS." I mean, come on. That's funny. It sounds like "old age."

11. Where am I wrong?

A lot of times I think if people don't think about stuff, that stuff will go away. Clearly this is not true, and I know it, but I think it all the time. People obsess over the weather, how sick they are, stuff like that. I think, "Stop talking about it and thinking about it all the time and it will go away." Which isn't true. But, if they stopped talking about it at least it would go away as far as I could tell. And that's good enough for me.

12. What potential memories am I bartering, and is the profit worth the price?

I had to read the explanation on this one, too, and it's another one of those ones that's not really a question. Basically, Martha Beck is just saying, "Don't sell yourself out." Okay, thanks, genius.

13. Am I the only one struggling not to {insert word here} during {insert word here}?

The example she uses is "fart during Yoga." Gross. Martha Beck farts during Yoga. I bet she's got nothing on Oprah, though. Oh man. What about me though? What do I struggle not to do? And during what? Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one struggling not to do Yoga. During life.

14. What do I love to practice?

Yoga. Just kidding. I used to love practicing the drums. I should get a drum set.

15. Where could I work less and achieve more?

I can't answer this one. I saw on the news one time where you can't talk about your job on the Internet or else you'll get fired.

16. How can I keep myself absolutely safe?

Well I thought worrying would help me do that but Martha Beck says you can't keep yourself safe, so forget it. Okay.

17. Where should I break the rules?

Here's my rule with rules -- I make the rules. Okay? And a lot of my rules are just stolen from society. Some of them are customized. What I do is, I try to look at a situation objectively. If I could jump outside myself and observe myself breaking rule X, would that piss me off? If yes, then I shouldn't break rule X. If no, then have at it.

18. So say I lived in that fabulous house in Tuscany, with untold wealth, a gorgeous, adoring mate, and a full staff of servants. . . then what?

I'd take some of that wealth and give it to my family. There, Mom and Dad and sister never have to worry about anything. Then, I'd self publish something awesome and market it really well so I become a famous writer. I'd also produce and direct an independent film. I'd pay to get the Hollywood Theater totally restored right away, instead of taking forever, but I'd stipulate they have to serve beer in order to accept my donation money. I'd sell my house in Tuscany, because I don't care to live there, and buy houses in cool places like Manhattan and LA, and of course, Portland. I'd keep enough servants to have like a personal assistant and a stylist, but I don't need a whole bunch of other ones. Maybe like a driver. I'd knock up my gorgeous and adoring mate so my parents could have some grandkids, but I'd wait like a decade so I could make sure things work out pretty well with my gorgeous and adoring mate first so I don't end up like Tiger Woods. I dunno. What else? Hey, Oprah, give me some pointers. You're rich.

19. Are my thoughts hurting or healing?

Both!

20. Really truly: Is this what you want to be doing?

Hey. That's only 19 questions.

Starring Mindy Kaling as herself

Okay, everyone can clearly see Paramount has a piece of shit on their hands with the new romantic comedy NO STRINGS ATTACHED. Not only is the premise hopelessly dated, but the lead, Natalie Portman, is horribly miscast.

In case you've been able to avoid the annoying ad campaign, allow me to explain the premise of the film:

Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman play best friends who decide to fuck each other. They swear up and down they want to avoid all the annoying crap that goes along with a relationship -- they're just too professional and busy for stuff like that. But, they're still horny. So they arrange to be "friends who do stuff" which is what we used to call it back in 8th grade. A million points to anyone who can guess how this one turns out. Just kidding, you don't get any points.

Why do I think Natalie Portman is miscast? Because in order for the premise of this movie to pay off the way Paramount clearly wants it to, the main characters have to be retarded. That's fine for Ashton Kutcher, who has a track record playing complete tards. But Portman has something that usually works to her benefit, and that's the magical ability to project intelligence. I'm not saying she IS intelligent, or she's dumb, or anything like that. I don't know anything about her. I'm just saying she SEEMS intelligent. You can see her brain doing stuff when you look in her eyes.

Her big, beautiful eyes.

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, projecting intelligence.

That's why she (almost) always gets classy projects -- flicks with some intelligence behind them need chicks in them who seem intelligent. When she finds herself in a stinker, she doesn't fit. Take those three fake STAR WARS movies, for example. Remember how she seemed all wooden in those flicks, even though we all know she's a good actress? It's because those flicks were retarded, and she isn't. Her pretending to be retarded at the whims of the script just doesn't work -- an audience can see through it. An audience can see her thinking, "How did I get into this mess? What is George Lucas thinking? Didn't he make the real STAR WARS movie? What happened?"

Now, I'm not saying it's necessarily bad to cast against type. I'm a big fan of people trying new things. I'm a big fan of the unexpected and weird and offbeat. But if you want to put Natalie Portman in a romantic comedy, you have to make damn sure it's a GOOD romantic comedy. Not this one. To be fair, I haven't seen it, so for all I know, it could be a masterpiece. I mean, Ivan Reitman directed it and he made GHOSTBUSTSERS. Course he also made MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND.

The real mystery is that apparently Natalie Portman's an executive producer on this thing. Now, I know it's not out of the ordinary for huge stars to have a hand in producing their own movies, but the question is, is this one of those ones that Portman "executive produced" just by showing up -- or did she have a hand in getting it made, beyond appearing in it? Was it a passion project or a paycheck? Or both?

The worst thing about NO STRINGS ATTACHED is how the trailer tricked me the first time I ever saw it. If you've been lucky enough to avoid it, let me explain that the first scene of the trailer involves Ashton Kutcher waking up on a couch, clearly hungover and disoriented. Actress Mindy Kaling is sitting there with a cup of coffee in her jammies, and Kutcher jumps to the conclusion that he slept with her. At first she acts like she did sleep with him, but it turns out to be a joke, and then the rest of the trailer kicks in and it turns out to be the movie I described earlier.

Here's the thing. As the trailer unfolded, when I saw Ashton Kutcher, I thought, "Oh. Another shitty romantic comedy we've seen a million times before."

When Mindy Kaling showed up I sat up in my seat. "Wait a minute," I thought. "Is this a movie where Mindy Kaling fucks Ashton Kutcher? Is it like the opposite of KNOCKED UP with a gender switch?"

In those brief seconds I got all excited imagining the possibilities. A mainstream Hollywood romantic comedy starring Mindy Kaling! In case you're wondering who Mindy Kaling is, she's probably most famous for being hilarious as Kelly Kapoor on THE OFFICE, but she's turned up in enough other stuff like THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN and CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM to make it even more clear that she must be awesome. She's even written for THE OFFICE and SNL, and directed an episode of THE OFFICE, and wrote a play about Matt Damon and Ben Affleck called MATT & BEN that I picked up at Powell's one time and thought, "I should read this," and then didn't.

My mind leapt from one conclusion to the other. Maybe she WROTE this movie! Maybe it's from her point of view, inspired by her own life! Maybe we'll get some fresh and edgy insight into relationships in a unique romantic comedy featuring an atypical female lead!

But no. It turned out to be NO STRINGS ATTACHED.

So, since I'm clearly so successful and Portman is obviously struggling, what with her definite Oscar win coming in about a month and all, let me offer some advice:

Natalie, next time you want to executive produce something, make it an awesome romantic comedy starring Mindy Kaling. Maybe she's already written one!

You're welcome.

Two reasons you shouldn't eat at TGI Friday's

Reason 1:

I learned this one the hard way.

Back in the olden days, my family used to go on little weekend outings to Portland or Salem or sometimes the suburbs right outside Portland to visit places like the Washington Square Mall. I'd go to the book store, check out CDs, and go to Suncoast while the rest of my family shopped for real stuff like clothes.

After that, we'd go to TGI Friday's. I'd usually get what TGI Friday's considered "fish 'n' chips." Then, we'd get in the car and drive home. The drive would take about 45 minutes, and that turned out to be exactly the amount of time it took my body to totally reject the so-called food I had just eaten. So, as we pulled into the drive way, I'd launch out of the car, run to the bathroom, and explode all over the toilet.

This didn't happen once. This happened every time.

In high school, this girl I was dating and I decided to take our own trip to Washington Square mall. I was excited. It seemed so grown up. Just me and my old lady, out on the town, alone on the glamorous streets of Tigard or Tualatin or whatever shithole that mall calls home. Being a year older than me and having a cooler car, she drove. At the time I thought it was just a nice activity for a weekend afternoon, but as I think about it now I figure she must have been embarrassed to be seen with me on our home turf where others might be shocked to see us doing things like walking next to each other and holding hands.

I only say so because when one of my buddies mentioned to her that he heard I was dating her she said, "Oh? Why would you think that?"

But I digress. Point is, unlike my family trips to Washington Square mall, we decided to stop at TGI Friday's first and THEN go to the mall. At first I didn't think twice about it, but about 45 minutes later when we were strolling along holding hands, a familiar feeling hit my stomach. A cold sweat broke out. The feeling was familiar, but the setting was alien. I was NOT pulling into my driveway, mere seconds from my own familiar toilet, far from the prying eyes of chicks I wanted to make out with.

I had to drop everything, frantically hunt for a public restroom, and take an inordinate amount of time destroying the toilet. All with my date standing around outside wondering what the hell my problem was.

On the bright side, I still got to make out with her.

Reason 2:

TGI Friday's is fucking stupid.

The Age When Nothing Fits

Hey! It's 1/11/11. There hasn't been this many ones since. . . 1/11/01, I guess? I wonder what I was doing on 1/11/01. I just checked my college journal and there is no 1/11/01 entry, but there is one for 1/17/01. So here it is! It's called:

THE AGE WHEN NOTHING FITS

I got pulled over the other day for the first time ever. Levi and I were on our way to see the new Coen brothers flick and I was going 61 in a 45.

The cop asked me for my license, registration and proof of insurance. I forget my license all the time, so luckily I happened to have it on me. I dug the other two items out of the glove box where my responsible mother had put them.

Anyway, he took my stuff and went off to that little computer in his car and looked me up, I guess.

"You won't get a ticket," Levi said.

"How do you know?" I asked.

"Because you've never been pulled over before and you have a clean record, so the cop will give you a warning," Levi explained.

Sure enough, the cop came back and said, "I'll give you one chance not to get a ticket."

"Okay," I said.

"Promise not to speed from now on."

"Okay." Phew.

I've decided I think Humphrey Bogart might be my favorite actor. William Holden is also one of my favorites. I guess it stands to reason I should love that movie SABRINA since they're both in it, along with the super hot Audrey Hepburn. I guess I'll rent that again so I can refresh my memory.

I think it has been record time since I've written in here. For some reason I sometimes just can't bring myself to do it. I don't know what it is. When I get in that no-entry mood, it's tough to shake. I guess I'm just at odds with writing in general at this point.

I finished reading HUNGER by Knut Hamsun. It was really good. A quick read. Maybe some day I'll be a poverty ridden bum like the guy in HUNGER. Wouldn't that be the life.

Richard Dreyfuss is a good actor, too. But not in his recent retarded movies. I mean like in his real movies like JAWS and CLOSE ENCOUNTERS. Someone should put him in a good movie and save his career. Him and Diane Keaton. They deserve to be saved.

I think I'm getting fat. I don't want to get fat, but at the same time I don't want to alter any of my habits or put any effort into exercising. I guess it could be worse.