Vin Diesel's Career -- an original screenplay

FADE IN

INT. AGENT'S OFFICE -- 2001

Vin Diesel enters and sits across from his Agent, who is sitting at a desk.

AGENT

Good news, Vin.  THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS is a huge hit.  It's going to break $100 million at the box office.  And they want you to star in the sequel.  You've made it.  You're going to be the next big action star.

VIN DIESEL

Naw, I don't do sequels.

CUT TO:

INT. AGENT'S OFFICE -- DAY -- 2002

Vin sits across from his Agent again.

AGENT

I gotta tell you Vin, I thought it was dumb to turn down 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS and an unnecessary risk to make XXX, but guess what?  It's a huge hit.  It's going pass the $100 million mark.  And, the studio wants you for a sequel.  You've got it made.  You can keep making XXX movies for years.

VIN DIESEL

Naw, I don't do sequels.

CUT TO:

INT. AGENT'S OFFICE -- DAY -- 2003

Vin sits across from his agent.

AGENT

Well, Vin, it was bound to happen.  A MAN APART isn't even going to make $30 million.  Pretty pathetic for a dude who was about to be the next Bruce Willis.  Maybe now you'll agree that it's time for a sequel?

VIN DIESEL

You know what?  You're right.  It is time for a sequel.

AGENT

(scrambles excitedly for his phone)

Oh, thank God.  Let me get the producers of THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS on the line.

VIN DIESEL

No, no.

AGENT

(slightly confused)

You want me to call the producers of XXX?

VIN DIESEL

No -- check this out.

(Vin throws a script to his Agent, who catches it)

AGENT

The Chronicles of Riddick?  What's this?  I thought you said sequel.

VIN DIESEL

It is a sequel.

AGENT

To what?

VIN DIESEL

Pitch Black.

AGENT

Never heard of it.

VIN DIESEL

Remember, that sci-fi one I did back in 2000?

AGENT

Vaguely. . . I seem to recall it not making any money.

VIN DIESEL

Yeah, that's the one.

AGENT

Jesus Christ, Vin.

CUT TO:

INT. AGENT'S OFFICE -- DAY -- 2005

Vin sits across from his Agent.

AGENT

Well, Vin, there you have it.  Read it and weep.  RIDDICK won't break the $60 million mark.  I think this town is about done with you.

VIN DIESEL

Okay.  Tell you what.  Get the FAST AND THE FURIOUS and XXX guys on the phone.  I'll do one of those ones.  Or both.  Whatever.

AGENT

Vin, since you've been gone those franchises have crumbled.  TOKYO DRIFT made half as much as the previous FAST AND FURIOUS movie and XXX 2 made $25 million.  $25!  Pathetic.  No one cares anymore.  

VIN DIESEL

So that's really it, then?

AGENT

Well, there is one thing.

VIN DIESEL

What?

AGENT

It isn't much but you might want to take a look at it.

(Agent throws script to Vin)

VIN DIESEL

The Pacifier?  What is this?  Some kind of family comedy?

AGENT

Yep.

VIN DIESEL

(heavy sigh)

Fine.

CUT TO:

INT. AGENT'S OFFICE -- 2006

Vin and the Agent are hanging out.

AGENT

Ah ha!  See?  You take my advice, you get a $113 million hit.  So you didn't make it as an action hero.  Big deal.  You can obviously branch out into other things.  Like kids' movies.

VIN DIESEL

Yeah, I guess.

AGENT

Or -- and I almost feel stupid mentioning this -- we've been over it so many times before -- now that you have another hit behind you, we could maybe possibly look at doing another FAST AND FURIOUS movie?

VIN DIESEL

Sounds great!

AGENT

Oh, thank Christ!  FINALLY.

NARRATOR

And that movie made $600 billion.

FADE OUT

Starring

Vin Diesel as Himself

Jeremy Piven as the Agent

James Earl Jones as the Narrator

THE END

The G.I. Joe Who Wasn't There

Knowing is half the battle.  The other half is dealing with chicks.

The G.I. Joe Who Wasn't There:

Douche Around Guyz

Soon to be a major motion picture comedy extravaganza, from the creators of RAW DAWGZ.

In this scene, Brackin and Tanner start the day off right:

The Ugly Truth About Racism

Sometimes I like to make movies about important issues in modern society.

Behold:

Racism

Another Man's Testes

I was at the Doug Fir taking a piss when the dude pissing next to me spoke up.

"Dude, you know what sucks?" he said.

"What?" I asked, always ready for hilarious urinal talk.

"Getting hit with an AMT," he said.

What's an AMT, I wondered?  But, I didn't dare betray my ignorance.  So, instead, I chuckled knowingly and said, "Yeah."

A silence ensued while we both continued to pee.  I frantically tried to think what an AMT could be.  Was he making a direct reference to me or something I had done?  Or was he just making small talk out of nowhere?  I tried to think of what those letters could stand for. 

Another Man's Testes?

I looked at the posters on the wall, hunting for a clue, wondering if he was referring to something that was right in front of me.  I saw nothing obvious.

The dude finished peeing and moved to the sink to wash his hands.

"Do you know what I'm talking about?" he asked.

"No," I admitted.  In a urinal bonding experience it's one thing to answer honestly when openly asked, but another to volunteer ignorance.

"Alternative Minimum Tax," he said, as I finished and went to the sink next to him.

"Oh," I said, chuckling knowingly again even though I still didn't understand what he was talking about.

"It sucks," he said.

"All taxes suck," I replied, a good contribution to the conversation given that I had no what I was talking about.

"Here I thought the government owed me $30,000," he said.

Oh.  I get it, I thought.  Now I know what's really going on.

Doug Fir + Openly discussing how wealthy you are in a bathroom with a stranger = douche baggery.

"Then they hit me with the AMT," he said.  "Now I owe them $9,000."

"That sucks," I said.

"So, if anyone asks you what sucks," he said, heading out the door, "tell them getting hit with the AMT sucks."

Then he was gone.  But the douche chills remained.

Tetralogy (or is it Quadrilogy?)

This is fun and addictive. Here is a four part series on the most important things in life: food, relationships, justice and tanning.

Cake Sandwich:



Breakup:



Jury Duty:



Tan Competition:

Topanga or Angela?

Comedian Myka Fox posted a link to a website where you can make little animations, so I followed the link and made one of my own.

The dialogue is from episode 7 of "The Rob and Paul Show" (a sitcom that only exists in my head) so co-writing credits should go to Rob.