When life won't give you food stamps, steal condoms

I have a saying:

"When life won't give you food stamps, steal condoms."

And what I mean by that is this:

"If you can't stumble into one thing ass backwards, just take whatever else is handy."

I'll illustrate by telling a parable of sorts.

There once was a young man who was fresh out of college, splitting his time between living with his parents in the town where he grew up and visiting his girlfriend in Portland about an hour's drive away. I'm not going to tell you who this young man was, but I will tell you that he was incredibly handsome and possibly the greatest writer of his generation (not counting Kaitlyn Burch and Ryan J. Gorman).

This young man was poor, and his girlfriend was poor. Not because of things they couldn't control. Mostly out of laziness. The young man was kind of looking for a job. Really, money wouldn't have been a problem if he just stayed with his parents all the time, but, he chose to use what little money he had to pay for the gas it took to get to and from Portland to visit his girlfriend.

At first, the young man and his girlfriend dealt with poverty by simply putting up with it and doing nothing. Eventually this got old. They heard mystical tales from friends about how gloriously easy it was to get food stamps. And, apparently, these days, they were food stamps in name only -- thanks to the miracles of technology, the stamps now came in the form of a less embarrassing debit card, the likes of which could buy things like Papa Murphy's take and bake pizza.

Faced with this knowledge, and having nothing else to do, the young man and his girlfriend decided to go down to the welfare office to apply for food stamps. For some reason the young man can't remember, his girlfriend could not apply -- so the young man was on his own. As soon as they entered the office, the young man regretted their decision. Confronted with a sitting room full of people who actually needed food, he felt like a fraud. But, he pressed on.

One thing the young man and his girlfriend had not taken into consideration was the fact that most of the stories about the ease of obtaining food stamps came from people who were in college. The young man quickly learned that the state looked more favorably upon poverty stricken youths who were otherwise occupying their time with attempts to better themselves. The state apparently did not look as favorably on people who were simply lazy.

Still, the young man met with a social worker. The social worker looked like a guy who would play a social worker in "The Cosby Show" or another similarly socially conscious late 80s / early 90s sitcom. He was simultaneously non-threatening and edgy. You could tell he was safe by the way he was overweight, but you could tell he was hip by the ear piercings and the funky tie. A basket of condoms sat on his desk as if to say, "Look, please take some of us before you knock someone up. Seriously."

The young man thought it might look better if he acted like he wasn't totally destitute -- he figured if he proved he had some source of income, he wouldn't look like a total loser and would therefore be more eligible for a leg up. He figured wrong. Turns out, the best way to get food stamps is to have absolutely nothing going for you. So, when the young man explained his parents some times gave him money for odd jobs and he earned a pittance as a freelance writer, the road to easy food stamps was instantly blocked with a shit load of paperwork.

At one point the young man felt so nervous and guilty that he eventually just decided to be totally honest.

"Are food stamps really for me?" he asked. "I mean, is it okay for me to come in here and try to get some? I need food and I'm poor and everything, but I'm not as bad off as people with kids or without parents who can help them. Is it messed up for me to even ask?"

"No," the social worker said. "That's a common misconception. We're here to help."

Still, it wasn't very convincing.

The social worker explained how the young man would have to not only look for a job, but take worksheets with him when he looked for a job that he would fill out and have people at the actual jobs he was looking for initial and sign. He'd turn this paper work in on a regular basis in exchange for some food stamps. On top of that, before any of this started, the young man was expected to take a seminar that would teach him how to properly look for a job.

On one hand, the young man thought this wasn't a big deal. He was looking for a job anyway, maybe a little bit of discipline wouldn't be a bad thing. This would simply help him be better at looking for a job.

On the other, if the young man was honest with himself, he knew there was no way in hell he was attending any seminar or getting any signatures.

The social worker eventually left his desk to get some more paper work. Alone with his thoughts and increasingly convinced there was no way he'd ever get food stamps, the young man began to fixate on the basket of condoms. He grabbed a handful and stuffed his pockets.

When the social worker returned, the young man asked:

"Are these condoms free for anyone to take?"

"Sure, help yourself," the social worker said.

So, the young man helped himself to a few more handfuls. A week or so later the social worker called and left a message to set up an appointment for a "how to find a job" seminar. So, the young man called and left a message in return to say thanks, but on second thought he wouldn't be attending any "how to find a job" seminars. Then he had safe sex with his girlfriend.

You see, when life won't give you food stamps, steal condoms.