The Penn 15 Club

I saw a headline a few weeks ago that said something along the lines of:

"Penn quits acting; joins White House."

I thought, "Hmm, that makes sense, Sean Penn's always getting all political about stuff, I guess it was only a matter of time."

So I clicked on it and it turned out to be Kal Penn.

"Huh," I said to myself. "Kumar."

Shrug.

A few days later, I saw another similar headline:

"Penn to join Obama's team."

"Weird," I thought. "Famous magician, notorious libertarian and skeptic extraordinaire Penn Jillette is going to go work for the democrats?"

So, I clicked on it and it turned out to be Kal Penn, again.

"Oh yeah," I thought. "Kumar. I knew that."

That Harold and Kumar movie is actually pretty funny.

Lil' Rascals

When I was in college I used to go to a corner liquor store almost every day called Lil' Rascals.  They eventually changed their name to N&H Liquor, but to me, they were always the Lil' Rascals.  The store was in a strip mall right next door to a video store called Video Fox that loved to break street date, so I could get my copy of GHOST WORLD three whole days before everyone else.

I went in enough, and the Arabian dudes who ran the place carded me enough, that eventually they memorized my birthday, which is 10/10/80.  For some reason this date cracked them up.  It might be just the sheer amount of zeroes in it, I'm not sure.  Maybe the repetition of the 10s.  I don't know.  All I know is, they loved it.

So, every time I came in, they'd yell in acknowledgment like so:

"Hey, man!!  10/10/80 my friend!!"

And other similar variations.

Sometimes, one of the Lil' Rascals would be hanging out in Video Fox much to my surprise and would ambush me.

I approach the counter:

LIL RASCAL:  10/10/80 man!! Heyyy!

ME:  Oh, hi.

LIL RASCAL: (to dude working at video store)  Hey, man.  This guy's birthday is 10/10/80.

(Dude working at video store shows no interest)

LIL RASCAL:  (continued, to me)  Isn't that right my friend?  Hey!!!

ME:  Yes, that's right.

In my college days I had two things I looked for in a beer and they were as follows:

1.) The beer had to have the word "ice" in the name

2.) The beer had to be in stock

If there were multiple beers with the word "ice" in the name in stock, I'd move on to number 3.

3.) Whichever one was cheapest.

Despite this consistent bias in my purchases, the Lil' Rascals would constantly offer me specials.

(I walk into Lil' Rascals and head straight for the Ice beers.)

LIL' RASCAL:  Hey!  10/10/80, man!  Mike's Hard Lemonade!  6 for $5.00, my friend.

ME:  Thanks.

(I go straight for the Beast Ice.)

LIL' RASCAL:  No, no, my friend!

(Moves from behind counter and heads toward cooler, pointing to display of Mike's Hard Lemonade.)

ME:  Oh, I'll stick with the usual.

LIL' RASCAL:  6 for $5.00!  10/10/80!!

They were also very interested in whether or not it was time for finals, whether I was partying, and whether I was on vacation.  They'd ask if it was time for finals while I was on vacation, and whether it was time for vacation when I was in the middle of studying for finals.  Their party questions were always appropriately timed since, if I was in Lil' Rascals, it meant it was time to party.

There was an overweight, middle-aged Lil' Rascal, and a slightly younger, skinny Lil' Rascal with a mustache.  If they would have been Italian, that would have been Mario and Luigi.

I miss the Lil' Rascals.  In Portland you get far too many white people working in convenience stores with no enthusiasm who love to talk on the phone when they're supposed to be helping you.  They're either too young or too old.  To be fair, since I've moved to my new neighborhood, I'm surrounded by some slightly more caring (and less white) convenience store proprietors, but I've never met any as fascinated with my birthday as the Lil' Rascals were.

I was back in my college town about a year and a half ago for the first time since graduating and it didn't even occur to me to stop into the former Lil' Rascals establishment.  Now that I think about it, I wish I would have.  I wonder if those guys are still there.  Maybe some kid with my same birthday enrolled the year after I graduated and started frequenting the liquor store, his driver's license continuing to blow the Lil' Rascals' minds.

That would be nice.

The truth about holding doors

Today, as I was leaving a building, an old man was holding the door and allowing his equally old wife to walk through.

I stepped to one side to allow his wife through, as well.

When the old man saw me waiting, he continued holding the door and said, "Come on through young man!"

So, I said thanks and went through.  As I did he chuckled to himself and said, "Young men need help, too."

"Fuck you, old man," I thought as I walked into the parking lot.  "YOU'RE the one who needs help."

A few hours later, I was leaving the Bagdad theater and held the door for a woman who turned out to be Janeane Garofalo.

"Aw, thank you!" she said.

"You're welcome," I said.

"Fuck you," she probably thought.  "YOU'RE the one who's welcome."

Missed connections

I've been reading the missed connections on Craig's List out of boredom. I'm not really looking for anyone who may have missed a connection with me. In fact, I prefer to read the M4W posts. For months I've been hoping to find a post about someone I know, or at least know of. Like one of my friends, a waitress somewhere, someone I work with.

I always wonder, does anyone ever find out about their missed connection? I mean, I guess some people must accidentally run across them, but what are the odds the exact person you're trying to reach will ever read your post?

If you're not familiar with a missed connection, it's a type of personal ad where you try too hook up with someone you passed on the street or had a brief meeting with, usually who you don't know anything about, which is why you can't simply call them or ask a friend about them.

Anyway, the other day, my dream finally came true, when I read a missed connection from some dude aimed at one of the waitresses at the Moon and Sixpence, an establishment which I frequent.

I'm pretty sure I know which waitress he's talking about, but there are only a few of them and I'm familiar with all of them, so I feel like I've accomplished my goal of finally finding a missed connection about someone I know.

Now all I have to do is go to the bar and tell all the waitresses.

The conversation will go like this:

Me: Hey, I think I read a missed connection about you the other day on Craig's List.

Waitress: Really? What did it say?

Me: Some dude said he was sitting at a table alone, reading and writing, and talked to a dark haired waitress with a feather necklace about "old music" whatever that means.

Waitress: Hmm.

Me: He said he was new in town and wanted to hang out. Do you remember that guy?

Waitress: Yeah. He was creepy. Do you want another beer?

Me: Yes, please.

And that's why you should never post a missed connection.

The End.

I read the graffiti in the bathroom stall like the holy scriptures of a shopping mall

Today I was peeing at Pal's Shanty and I saw the following sentences written on the bathroom wall:

"Pink Floyd and bong hits rule forever."

"Jimmy has small nuts."

"I fucked your ma."

and right below that:

"You're drunk, Dad.  Go home."

Rip City Showtime Fully Fantastic Positively Portland Slam Bombastic

Text message conversation between me and Levi during game 2 of the Blazers v. Rockets playoffs:

LEVI: I feel good about this!

ME:  123 go rip city

LEVI: Yes!

LEVI:  Did I mention I love L.A.?!

ME:  The only L.A. Portland loves.

LEVI:  Srsly

ME:  The L train.

LEVI:  Ya boy!

ME:  B roy!

LEVI:  blast need to make buckets

ME:  B roy again!

LEVI:  Omg i hate yao

ME:  Got to get that win baby

LEVI:  Omg i love b roy

ME:  The L train!

LEVI:  Bam

LEVI:  Bust-a-bucket-who-da-dunk-it-slam-and-geez-it-killer-threes-it-go-up-get-it-got-it-good!

LEVI:  I forgot blazer duty super sunk it

ME: B buck wants to do it again and i suggest you don't argue w him

LEVI:  twin towers!

ME:  Too soon

LEVI:  I hope not!

LEVI:  Damn

LEVI:  Wtf?! Call a foul on yao!

ME:  Omfg

LEVI:  Sweet!

LEVI:  Trout!

LEVI:  Omg!

ME:  Oh my god, we're the winners

LEVI:  Hell yes!

ME:  I Fucking heart rudy

LEVI:  Sweet jesus i'm glad we didn't lose

 

Urinal Journal

Every now and then, when you least expect it, you find a urinal that is special -- sometimes they're special in a good way, sometimes they're special in a bad way.  Over the last few days, I've come across two special urinals.  One good, one bad.  Both special.

I ran into the good urinal at the Matador.  To be honest, I'd actually run into this urinal once before, but I don't frequent the Matador so although it was special, I forgot about it.  In any case, it was gigantic.  Epic.  If it was a novel it would have embraced more than 500 characters and would have been set during the Napoleonic Wars.  If it was a movie it would have been directed by David Lean with music by Maurice Jarre and would require 2 VHS tapes when it came to home video.  

It was huge.  A dual urinal, really, joined in the middle, taking up quite a bit of wall space, made out of what appeared to be marble.  It was almost a walk-in urinal.  It was like two bath tubs standing on their ends, side by side.  Silent monoliths.  It looked like it dated back to the turn of the century, as if the urinals had been there first and the building had been constructed around them.

So, I peed in it.  I'm pretty sure a dude was snorting coke in the stall, though, so I high-tailed it out of there instead of spending some quality time.

The bad urinal was at The Hutch.  Now, to be fair, there wasn't really anything wrong with the urinal itself.  It was pretty average.  One of those "bowl" style ones that hangs part way up the wall.  

Here's the thing, though:  it was the highest urinal I've ever seen.  It was about as high as the dude in the stall at the Matador.

Seriously, the edge of the bowl was about even with my junk.  Not only was it high, but it was one of those ones that collects standing water.  I shuddered at the thought -- it was so high, if I stood there and honestly tried to pee in it, my balls were liable to end up taking a bath.  I sized it up and decided just to go for the toilet.

I've seen the kid urinal -- the one that's a little smaller and attached to the wall maybe a foot lower than the adult urinal.  This was like the exact opposite of that.  I would have needed a stool to make it work.

There have been many special urinals in my life.  The gigantic one at the Hotel Oregon in McMinnville, only made more special by the fact that it stands proudly next to a depressingly average counterpart.  The halfway outdoors ones in Paris, their majesty filed away in my memory right along with Cathedrale Notre-Dame de Bayeux.  The various troughs the public school system and many sporting arenas seem to think are necessary.  But they're usually few and far between.  It's rare I come across two special urinals in one week.

I'm just lucky, I guess.

I Don't Even Make Sense to Myself, Sometimes

I started reading "The Moon and Sixpence" by W. Somerset Maugham because there's a pub of the same name in my neighborhood and it's one of the best places on Earth.  I finished it today, thanks to jury duty, and this was my favorite part:

"Each one of us is alone in the world.  He is shut in a tower of brass, and can communicate with his fellows only by signs, and the signs have no common value, so that their sense is vague and uncertain.  We seek pitifully to convey to others the treasures of our heart, but they have not the power to accept them, and so we go lonely, side by side but not together, unable to know our fellows and unknown by them."

I've often felt frustrated when it comes to communication but of course I haven't been able to sum it up so eloquently.  I guess that's part of the frustration.  Unfortunately I think that's just the way things are.  Without the struggle to communicate, what would be the purpose in life?  Without the struggle to say the unsayable, what would be the point of art?  Without humankind struggling to overcome his and her limitations, we wouldn't get anywhere.

Or as Ed Wood wrote:

"Only the infinity of the depths of a man's mind can really tell the story."

And now a painting by Paul Gauguin:

Rambo 5: The Quest for Peace

You know how pirates have been in the news a lot lately?  You know, those Somalian ones taking over cargo ships?  I wonder if it's because the news just decided to start to pay attention to pirates, or if pirate activity has actually escalated.

Anyway, I guess that's neither here nor there.  The important thing is that I have a premise for a new Rambo movie.

You'll never guess what it is.

Have you figured it out?

Okay, I'll tell you.  John Rambo fights Somali pirates.

The End.

You're welcome, Sylvester.

Vin Diesel is a Pervert

My friend Kaite told me once that one of her friends was boning Vin Diesel.

This was somewhat plausible since we lived in southern California at the time and it was pre THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS.  Kaite and her friends were dancers, so not entirely removed from the world of show business.

Kaite said her friend said Vin Diesel would only agree to bone if she would agree to play Dungeons & Dragons with him first.

It was never clear if this was a fetish of Vin Diesel's, or if he simply didn't have anyone to play Dungeons & Dragons with.

Years later I heard an ex-girlfriend of Vin Diesel's on the Howard Stern show.  As usual, they were probing her with personal sexual questions.  The interview was extra intense since Vin Diesel himself tends to keep fairly quiet about his history.  The ex-girlfriend mostly kept things to herself, but there was something in the tone of her voice and in the things she ALMOST said that made it clear something weird was going on in the bedroom.

Dungeons & Dragons, probably.

Treating Objects Like Women, Man

It took me all day but I finally narrowed it down to a list of 10 VERY lucky finalists.

Uhm, finalists in the “10 Chicks I Think Are Hot” contest, that is.

The rules were as follows:

-- No adult film actresses

-- No models

-- No dead people or senior citizens – they have to be hot right NOW

-- No weird semi-celebrities that only small groups consider famous

-- No women I know personally, or have known personally at one time

I did this off the top of my head so most of the women ended up being film actresses.  I’m sure I’m totally forgetting some people from TV, music and other mediums.

This is not supposed to be a list about objective beauty, just chicks I’m into.  And if you’re wondering why I keep saying “chicks,” it’s just a bad habit, like starting sentences with the word “and.”  Later on I replace “chicks” with “broads” but that might be worse.  Stay tuned or you’ll miss it.

And now, the list -- basically in order of age (basically):

Megan Fox

Amanda Bynes

Mila Kunis 

Anne Hatheway 

Natalie Portman 

Zooey Deschanel 

Kristen Bell 

Shannyn Sossamon 

Keri Russell 

Sarah Silverman

What did I learn from this list?  Well, looks like I’m into brunettes, with the exception of Kristen Bell, who is blonde.  She is Veronica Mars, though, so I'll let it slide.

Also, looks like I’m mostly into chicks roughly my age or younger, with all of them in their 20s except Keri Russell at 33, Shannyn Sossamon at 30 and Sarah Silverman at 38, who is allowed to be 38 because of how funny she is.

Given those limitations, I think there’s a good variety there.  You’ve got women with genuine talent and intellect like Sarah Silverman and Zooey Deschanel (as far as I can tell, not knowing them personally) all the way to straight up sex pots like Megan Fox.  You’ve got classy broads like Anne Hatheway and Natalie Portman and trashy ones like. . . well, Megan Fox.

They’re also all fairly well off, I imagine, so that’s nice.

Farting, Obama and Shellfish

I was walking home last night and I passed a parked car sporting the following bumper sticker:

"Who farted? Housing is a Human Right."

On second thought maybe it was two stickers next to each other.

Incidentally, I've seen an awful lot of cars with stickers crying for impeachment right next to stickers advocating Obama for president.

Bumper stickers can be confusing, some times.

I used to have one that said "Maine Lobstah is Wicked Good." It also had a little picture of a lobster.

Nothing confusing about that.

I'm a nerd

In honor of the upcoming STAR TREK film, here's the definitive list of the 10 existing STAR TREK films from lamest to best.  And by definitive I mean "my opinion."

10.  Star Trek: Generations

Greatest sin of all:  Kirk dies in a shitty way.  A legendary character with a lame death.  Plus, on paper the film should have been great -- Picard and Kirk finally meet?!  Sweet, right?  Wrong.

9.  Star Trek: Nemesis

Again, on paper, sounds good.  The Romulans finally get to be featured as a main villain, and Picard has to fight an evil clone of himself.  In practice, though, the thing is just noisy and overblown and ultimately doesn't add up to much.  Too bad the Next Generation crew had to go out like this, they deserved better.  At least, Picard, Data and Worf did.  The other ones can go screw.

8.  Star Trek: Insurrection

A film about an ethical dilemma in which the good guys fight for the wrong side of a cause.  Check it out:

-- Planet has fountain of youth powers

-- Rest of galaxy wants to harness powers and cure disease/end suffering/etc

-- Small village of people living on planet won't share their powers with anyone

-- Enterprise crew defends their rights to hog the planet since they were there first

-- I want to smack the villagers and tell them to get over themselves, grow up and SHARE

7.  Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

A.K.A. William Shatner Vs. God, directed by William Shatner.  Bad script, bad special effects, and not much budget to work with.  On the bright side, it's better than the previous three on the list because it stars Kirk (who doesn't die), Spock and McCoy.

6.  Star Trek: The Motion Picture

You know how they say the first one is always best?  Sometimes that's right, but not when the first one is a half hour too long and clumsily edited to the point where scenes that should be full of action and suspense plod along at a nap-like pace.  Still, it's an epic story with a great score and great special effects, as well as some good character development for the main characters (even if there is a lot of wooden acting interfering).

5.  Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

Kirk steals AND destroys the Enterprise, then kills an entire ship full of Klingons, all just to find and save his good buddy Spock.  Great action and adventure and a good story driven by emotion and character rather than plot.  This one also benefits from being a direct sequel to WRATH OF KHAN, tying up loose ends, solving problems, and leading seamlessly into the next film with a nice cliffhanger.  Basically, this is the type of stuff the Next Generation films should have done instead of stand alone stories.

4. Star Trek: First Contact

The greatest of the Next Generation movies and easily one of the best STAR TREK films.  Picard and crew vs. The Borg, the greatest villainous element from the Next Generation series.  This one benefits from some good actors in interesting supporting roles -- James Cromwell and Alfre Woodard.  Also, the film has a great score and is built on one good action/suspense sequence after another.  I don't love it as much as I once did, but it is firmly in the top half of the Star Trek list.

3. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

This is the one mainstream audiences always remember.  "The one with the whales," they call it.  Kirk and crew travel back in time to (what was then) contemporary SanFrancisco to bring a couple whales back to the 23rd century and save them (and the planet Earth) from extinction.  When I was a kid, this was regarded as one of the best in the series.  It's lighthearted and fun, has a message that stands apart from the usual sci-fi babble, and manages to wrap up the story started with parts II and III while also telling a new original story.  I think some Star Trek fans who grew up with Voyager and things like that look at this as if it is not "true" Star Trek, but I think it gets right to the heart of what the series is about -- people, not techno-babble.

2. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

This one just gets better and better with age.  A cold war parable in which the Klingons and the Federation finally have to make peace after years of hostility.  Meanwhile Kirk's framed for a crime, Spock has to save him, and a mystery has to be solved.

1. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

What can I say about this one that hasn't already been said?  Pretty much everyone agrees it is the best Star Trek film -- a revenge tale about the attempts of vengeance crazed genetic superman, Khan, and his attempts to destroy Kirk at any cost.  This one has everything -- action, adventure, suspense, huge space battles, good character development, and a big, epic sacrifice at the end.  Of course, there is also a great supporting cast headed up by Ricardo Montalban, who steals the movie.  And, for my money, this is Kirk and William Shatner's finest hour.

Where will the new STAR TREK film land on this list?  Well, like SEARCH FOR SPOCK, I think it will break the "odd number" rule and be great.  From the clips and trailers I've seen, I'm really optimistic.  Time will tell, but I think going back to the original crew (even if they've been recast) is a big step in the right direction.  And, it will be sweet to see Leonard Nimoy on the big screen again.  It's a nice way to make Kirk's shitty, worthless death NOT the last time we see someone from the original series.  Better just to forget about that and pretend it never happened.

Right, William Shatner?

Vin Diesel's Career -- an original screenplay

FADE IN

INT. AGENT'S OFFICE -- 2001

Vin Diesel enters and sits across from his Agent, who is sitting at a desk.

AGENT

Good news, Vin.  THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS is a huge hit.  It's going to break $100 million at the box office.  And they want you to star in the sequel.  You've made it.  You're going to be the next big action star.

VIN DIESEL

Naw, I don't do sequels.

CUT TO:

INT. AGENT'S OFFICE -- DAY -- 2002

Vin sits across from his Agent again.

AGENT

I gotta tell you Vin, I thought it was dumb to turn down 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS and an unnecessary risk to make XXX, but guess what?  It's a huge hit.  It's going pass the $100 million mark.  And, the studio wants you for a sequel.  You've got it made.  You can keep making XXX movies for years.

VIN DIESEL

Naw, I don't do sequels.

CUT TO:

INT. AGENT'S OFFICE -- DAY -- 2003

Vin sits across from his agent.

AGENT

Well, Vin, it was bound to happen.  A MAN APART isn't even going to make $30 million.  Pretty pathetic for a dude who was about to be the next Bruce Willis.  Maybe now you'll agree that it's time for a sequel?

VIN DIESEL

You know what?  You're right.  It is time for a sequel.

AGENT

(scrambles excitedly for his phone)

Oh, thank God.  Let me get the producers of THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS on the line.

VIN DIESEL

No, no.

AGENT

(slightly confused)

You want me to call the producers of XXX?

VIN DIESEL

No -- check this out.

(Vin throws a script to his Agent, who catches it)

AGENT

The Chronicles of Riddick?  What's this?  I thought you said sequel.

VIN DIESEL

It is a sequel.

AGENT

To what?

VIN DIESEL

Pitch Black.

AGENT

Never heard of it.

VIN DIESEL

Remember, that sci-fi one I did back in 2000?

AGENT

Vaguely. . . I seem to recall it not making any money.

VIN DIESEL

Yeah, that's the one.

AGENT

Jesus Christ, Vin.

CUT TO:

INT. AGENT'S OFFICE -- DAY -- 2005

Vin sits across from his Agent.

AGENT

Well, Vin, there you have it.  Read it and weep.  RIDDICK won't break the $60 million mark.  I think this town is about done with you.

VIN DIESEL

Okay.  Tell you what.  Get the FAST AND THE FURIOUS and XXX guys on the phone.  I'll do one of those ones.  Or both.  Whatever.

AGENT

Vin, since you've been gone those franchises have crumbled.  TOKYO DRIFT made half as much as the previous FAST AND FURIOUS movie and XXX 2 made $25 million.  $25!  Pathetic.  No one cares anymore.  

VIN DIESEL

So that's really it, then?

AGENT

Well, there is one thing.

VIN DIESEL

What?

AGENT

It isn't much but you might want to take a look at it.

(Agent throws script to Vin)

VIN DIESEL

The Pacifier?  What is this?  Some kind of family comedy?

AGENT

Yep.

VIN DIESEL

(heavy sigh)

Fine.

CUT TO:

INT. AGENT'S OFFICE -- 2006

Vin and the Agent are hanging out.

AGENT

Ah ha!  See?  You take my advice, you get a $113 million hit.  So you didn't make it as an action hero.  Big deal.  You can obviously branch out into other things.  Like kids' movies.

VIN DIESEL

Yeah, I guess.

AGENT

Or -- and I almost feel stupid mentioning this -- we've been over it so many times before -- now that you have another hit behind you, we could maybe possibly look at doing another FAST AND FURIOUS movie?

VIN DIESEL

Sounds great!

AGENT

Oh, thank Christ!  FINALLY.

NARRATOR

And that movie made $600 billion.

FADE OUT

Starring

Vin Diesel as Himself

Jeremy Piven as the Agent

James Earl Jones as the Narrator

THE END

The G.I. Joe Who Wasn't There

Knowing is half the battle.  The other half is dealing with chicks.

The G.I. Joe Who Wasn't There:

Douche Around Guyz

Soon to be a major motion picture comedy extravaganza, from the creators of RAW DAWGZ.

In this scene, Brackin and Tanner start the day off right:

The Ugly Truth About Racism

Sometimes I like to make movies about important issues in modern society.

Behold:

Racism

Another Man's Testes

I was at the Doug Fir taking a piss when the dude pissing next to me spoke up.

"Dude, you know what sucks?" he said.

"What?" I asked, always ready for hilarious urinal talk.

"Getting hit with an AMT," he said.

What's an AMT, I wondered?  But, I didn't dare betray my ignorance.  So, instead, I chuckled knowingly and said, "Yeah."

A silence ensued while we both continued to pee.  I frantically tried to think what an AMT could be.  Was he making a direct reference to me or something I had done?  Or was he just making small talk out of nowhere?  I tried to think of what those letters could stand for. 

Another Man's Testes?

I looked at the posters on the wall, hunting for a clue, wondering if he was referring to something that was right in front of me.  I saw nothing obvious.

The dude finished peeing and moved to the sink to wash his hands.

"Do you know what I'm talking about?" he asked.

"No," I admitted.  In a urinal bonding experience it's one thing to answer honestly when openly asked, but another to volunteer ignorance.

"Alternative Minimum Tax," he said, as I finished and went to the sink next to him.

"Oh," I said, chuckling knowingly again even though I still didn't understand what he was talking about.

"It sucks," he said.

"All taxes suck," I replied, a good contribution to the conversation given that I had no what I was talking about.

"Here I thought the government owed me $30,000," he said.

Oh.  I get it, I thought.  Now I know what's really going on.

Doug Fir + Openly discussing how wealthy you are in a bathroom with a stranger = douche baggery.

"Then they hit me with the AMT," he said.  "Now I owe them $9,000."

"That sucks," I said.

"So, if anyone asks you what sucks," he said, heading out the door, "tell them getting hit with the AMT sucks."

Then he was gone.  But the douche chills remained.

Tetralogy (or is it Quadrilogy?)

This is fun and addictive. Here is a four part series on the most important things in life: food, relationships, justice and tanning.

Cake Sandwich:



Breakup:



Jury Duty:



Tan Competition:

Topanga or Angela?

Comedian Myka Fox posted a link to a website where you can make little animations, so I followed the link and made one of my own.

The dialogue is from episode 7 of "The Rob and Paul Show" (a sitcom that only exists in my head) so co-writing credits should go to Rob.

So Suze Me

The other evening I was eating dinner with Mom and Dad, and Mom said the following:

"Suze Orman says you should save your money.  So save your money."

I agree.  I should save my money.  But, stuff keeps happening that costs money.  So then I have to spend it.  Still, the point is valid, which is why whenever my parents ask me to eat dinner, I say, "Yes," since it means I'll be saving money.

Anyway, I am vaguely aware Suze Orman is a chick on TV who gives financial advice, but I've never actually seen her do her thing.  So today when I was reading CNN, I saw an article about Suze Orman telling me what I can and can't afford, and clicked on it out of curiositiy.

People were writing in asking Suze for advice.  The first letter was from a woman who, with her husband, owes $130,000 in student loans.  Her husband works in sales and she has her own Mary Kay business and has recently started her own cake-decorating business.  The woman was writing in wondering if her husband can afford to waste money on his passion for the Redskins, which includes buying high priced Redskins memorabilia, and investing in an expensive home entertainment room.

So, Suze crunches the numbers and decides they can't afford the Redskins hobby, because the Redskins hobby is costing them roughly $7,000 a year.

But in my opinion Suze missed a huge red flag.  Don't get me wrong, spending $7,000 a year on a sports hobby is a little extreme, in my opinion, for a family that makes $100,000 per year, like this one.  But, at least with a sports hobby you get what you pay for.  Sure, you're wasting your money, but you're exchanging money for actual services, products, entertainment, etc.

The red flag:  One thing the family should really cut out is the wife's Mary Kay "business."

Mary Kay is a multi-level marketing company.  When the wife says she has her own "business" she means she sells Mary Kay products to other people and also attempts to sign other people up to sell Mary Kay products.  She can sign up an unlimited amount of people, and they can sign up an unlimited amount of people, and the people who signed her up in the first place can sign up an unlimited amount of people, which means, by design, by the very laws of supply and demand, it will be impossible for the majority of these people to make any money off of their so-called businesses.  It's a pyramid scheme, but it's legal because there are products being sold.

This is why real sales jobs usually have salesmen work off of specific lists or specific territories, so they don't over-saturate the market.  A lot of times multi-level marketers will tell you starting your own "business" is no different from opening a franchise restaurant.  But guess what?  Franchise restaurants have rules on where they can be located in relation to other restaurants of the same franchise, specifically to make supply and demand work. 

It's especially difficult to see any measure of success from a multi-level marketing business when you attempt to run the business as supplementary and in your spare time.  They're usually advertised as easy ways to get rich quick without much work, which is the opposite of what they are.  In reality, in order to get any return and be able to live off of it, chances are you'll have to have at least one real job, and then work at least full time on your multi-level marketing business, as well, probably earning less than you could make getting an hourly wage, which, you're not going to get.

Now, I don't know the specifics of how Mary Kay is run, and I haven't heard the same horror stories about Mary Kay as I have about Amway/Quixtar, but the fundamentals of multi-level marketing remain the same, and if I was Suze Orman, I would immediately recommend not dumping any money into those kinds of ventures as a way to immediately save money.

The upside of all this?  It is pretty entertaining to read up on all the reasons why multi-level marketing doesn't work.  It's also entertaining, but sad, to read the testimonies of the poor souls who have lost everything thanks to these deceptive companies.  And, reading is a hobby that can cost virtually nothing.

In which Charlotte Roasts Me

I think the spiders who live around my apartment building are trying to kill me.  But it wasn't always like that.

I used to think the spiders were just forgetful.  See, they constantly build their webs in areas I routinely walk through.  So, maybe I don't use my back door for a couple days.  The spider that lives back there thinks it's cool to build a web spanning between my door and the porch railing, and no sooner is it complete than I come home one afternoon and walk right through it.  I figured, if I went through that way every single day the spider would probably give up, but since I only use that entrance some times, the spider forgets.  The same could be said for my front door.  And the passage way back to the recycling bins.

The other evening, however, when I was returning from the store, I walked through yet another web and a thought struck me:

Maybe the spiders are building their webs in high traffic areas in a specific attempt to capture me.  Once captured, I'll be helpless and they'll eat me.

Unfortunately for the spiders, if this is their plan, they did not take into account the fact that I am much too strong for their pitiful webs and can easily smash through them like Godzilla through Tokyo.

To be fair, aside from these attempts on my life, I like the spiders at this apartment better than the ones in my last apartment.  I haven't seen a single spider indoors since I've moved here, which means they're respecting my boundaries, even if they are using those boundaries as choice spots for traps.

Also, the other day, one of them spelled out "Some Pig" in her web, right over my front door, which I thought was hilarious, if a little close to the bone (I was carrying home a pizza when I first saw it).

Blue Line Batman

Here's a story.  Part of it is true.  The other part is fiction.  See if you can tell which is which.

I was riding the train today and when it came to my stop, I stood up to get out.  As I stood up, a girl moved to sit in the seat in front of me.  In the process of brushing by each other, I elbowed her on the head.

"OW!" she said.

"Excuse me," I said.

Her posse suddenly gathered around.

"What did you do to her?" they demanded in a variety of ways, in between insults.

"Uh. . . accident. . . mistake," I stammered.

Just then, I felt a hand clamp down on my shoulder.  I looked up to see the famliar cowled visage of Batman.

"You girls leave this guy alone," Batman said in his trademark gravelly voice.

"We were just playin," the leader of the girls said, and they all went back to their business.

"Thanks Batman," I said.  "I thought for sure I was a goner."

"You're wrong," Batman said.  "People are basically good."

"I just meant --," I began, but Batman cut me off.

"You either die a hero or live long enough to be a villain," he said.

"Sure," I said, edging passed him towards the door.

"I'm whatever Gotham needs me to be," I heard Batman continuing as I stepped off of the train and onto the platform.

The doors slid shut and I breathed a sigh of relief.  Some people just don't know how to end a conversation gracefully.

The Charming Fixtures

I'd like to start a one man band.  I'll give it a name, so that people will think it's really a group, but it will just be me.  I'll be "The Charming Fixtures."  It will be plural to be extra tricky.  Across the nation, conversations like this will occur:

Hipster 1:  My favorite band is The Charming Fixtures.

Hipster 2: Oh yeah, I love them.

Hipster 1:  Pff.  Them?  It's one guy.  (Rolls eyes)

My first album will be a concept album about an alternate universe in which Rod Serling did not become a writer, but became an interior decorator for the stars, instead.  Among his clients: George Reeves, Adam West and a pizza delivery girl who he has a torrid affair with, but who is not a star, at first.  Later, it turns out she was Bettie Page all along.  It will be called "Claw Foot Bath Tub."

Problem: I don't know how to play any instruments.  I pretend like I can play the drums, but I want a better drummer for my album.  

Solution:  Even though I'm a one man band, I'll have a bunch of session musicians.  They won't technically be in the band, though.  It will be like "Pet Sounds" -- a billion musicians, none of them actually Beach Boys.

I will carefully select dialogue snippets from old "Twilight Zone" episodes to intersperse throughout the songs to create some semblance of a narrative.

My proposed track listing:

The Charming Fixtures

Claw Foot Bath Tub

1.) Overture

2.) Your Chair Rail is my Crown Moulding

3.) Don't Scratch my Hard Wood Floor

4.) The Ceiling Fan Stays

5.) (Humid Kitchen) Blues

6.) Free Heat

7.) Clothes Pin Mail Box

8.) My Love is like Hearing Your Neighbor Have Sex Through the Wall part I

9.) Pizza Need Not Apply

10.) Girl (Come Over and show me Where to Hang Pictures)

11.) My Love is like Hearing Your Neighbor Have Sex Through the Wall part II

12.) Hot Superman on Batman Action

13.) Oh My God, What's the Drama?

It will rock.

Top 10 films of 2008

Time for my top 10 movies of 2008.  As usual, I'm not able to make my list until a couple months into 2009, when I've finally had a chance to see everything that I think is worth seeing.  As always, there's still stuff I'd like to see, but I'm satisfied with the list I've come up with.  It's in no particular order, but leaves the best for last.

BEST DOCUMENTARY:

ENCOUNTERS AT THE END OF THE WORLD

Werner Herzog's latest documentary, this one about the crazy outcasts and scientists who live and work in Antarctica, is beautiful, haunting, philosophical and funny.

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR:

THE BOOK OF CALEB

I stumbled across this coming of age comedy via digital download.  The film didn't have an official wide release in 2008, but played festivals and limited engagements and has seen a DVD release.  This film is from a group of beginners and could use a bit of polishing, but is incredibly good considering how independent it is.  Writer/director Matthew Von Monahan should havea great career ahead of him.

BEST ANIMATED FILM:

WALL-E

Another miracle from Pixar.  Just when you think these geniuses can't top themsleves, they go ahead and do it anyway.  Funny, poignant and beautiful.

BEST MADE FOR TV MOVIE:

RECOUNT

What?  One of the best films of the year went direct to HBO?  This is the frightening and frustrating story of the election problems in Florida back in 2000.  This retelling almost makes sense of a confusing situation, until you realize it's impossible to make any sense out of it.  The great thing here is the variety of good roles and good performances, specifically Laura Dern as Kathryn Harris, but also Kevin Spacey, Denis Leary and Tom Wilkinson.

BEST COMIC BOOK MOVIES:

IRON MAN

THE DARK KNIGHT

IRON MAN took a second tier super hero and made a first tier super hero movie out of him, propelled by a great performance from Robert Downey, Jr., who seems made for the part.  Director Jon Favreau approaches the material head on and doesn't try to play cute, which counter-intuitively makes for a rather light-hearted and fun sci-fi/adventure film.  The killer special effects don't hurt, either.

Christopher Nolan delivers on the promise of his previous Batman films with THE DARK KNIGHT, the second highest grossing film of all time.  Best super hero movie ever?  Maybe.  It's a great example of its genre, but in achieving greatness it transcends the genre and becomes something else, which is something most great films have in common.

A lot has been said about Heath Ledger's portrayal of The Joker, which is as chilling as it is creative and compelling.  Whenever Ledger's on screen, you're on the edge of your seat.  Even more has been said about Ledger's too-early demise.  Less attention has been paid to the rest of the cast, and the filmmakers behind the scenes.

The emotional heart of the movie lies with Gary Oldman as Jim Gordon, the one guy who's trying to do the right thing and play by the rules at the same time, in a city where no one's doing the right thing or following the rules.

The strength of the story-telling comes from the incredible magic trick Nolan plays on the audience -- he takes a conventional crime story and convinces the audience anything can happen.  Nolan somehow balances a film that ultimately turns out to be a crowd pleaser with constant threats that things may not turn out the way we want them to, and that's quite a trick when you're dealing with the kind of movie everyone thinks they already know.

BEST COMEDIES:

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

TROPIC THUNDER

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL is one of the best romantic comedies ever made.  It benefits from a big cast, every member of which is funny, from the atypical leads to the colorful supporting characters.  The Hawaiian resort setting gives it a warm vibe that's hard to resist and Jason Segel's writing clearly comes from sharp and critical observations of his own experience as well as a healthy amusement with human nature.

TROPIC THUNDER is something we haven't seen in a long time -- a big budet comedy with just as much spectacle as laughs.  This one's a little more over the top and erratic, but I'd compare it in a sense to films from the 80s like GHOSTBUSTERS where the special effects were in service of the comedy, unlike the crass and cynical so-called action comedies of recent years which merely feature bad one-liners between explosions.  In what's becoming a running theme this year, the film benefits from its strong (and varied) cast -- Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Tom Cruise and Robert Downey, Jr., all at the top of their game, lampooning Hollywood, war movies, celebrity culture, and pretty much everything else.

MOST AMBITIOUS:

CHE

Steven Soderbergh and Benicio Del Toro unabashedly turn in a gigantic, sprawling, insane, in your face, no holds barred biopic about the revolutionary whose face college kids love to put on their dorm room walls and t-shirts:  Ernesto Che Guevara.

The film resists most of the usual crutches of the biopic genre -- we don't get to know the characters very well, we don't get much insight into people's motives and the "Why "of things, and we don't waste time dealing with interpersonal relationships.  What we know about Che we know from the look on Benicio Del Toro's face, buried beneath wild facial hair, dirt and sweat.

It's difficult to think of the entire epic as one single film, since even watching it in one day you see it in two sittings separated by an intermission.  I went into the film expecting to like the first half better, since it deals with the stuff I thought Che was most famous for -- the Cuban revolution.  This was when things went right with Che, when he set out do something and did it.  

I was worried I wouldn't enjoy the second half because I wasn't familiar with that part of history, I'd be seeing it after already sitting through two and a half hours, and it would be the shitty part of Che's life when everything goes wrong.  I was mistaken -- I liked the second half quite a bit, possibly better than the first -- an intense, action packed descent into madness and futility.

BEST FILM OF THE YEAR:

THE WRESTLER

This flick reminds me of STAR TREK.  Granted, so does everything else.  But check this out:

In STAR TREK VI, faced with a changing universe, Spock asks the following of his old buddy Kirk:

"Is it possible that you and I, in our old age, have outlived our usefulness?  Would that constitute a joke?"

My answer to Spock would be that you could look at it either as a joke, or a tragedy.  In THE WRESTLER, even though some might consider The Ram (Mickey Rouke) a joke -- a washed up relic of a bygone era, the definition of having outlived his usefulness -- he is actually a tragedy, and so is the film.  The Ram's fatal flaw?  He likes to do what he's best at, and it's killing him.

Meanwhile, the stuff he's not so good at, like relationships, would only make him stronger if he'd be able to sort them out.  But, wrestling is easy for The Ram, working on relationships is hard, and little setbacks easily become insurmountable obstacles.

In another era, The Ram might have been a warrior, or a hunter.  He might have died defending his country or providing for his people.  Even if he wasn't in action, people in those days didn't live as long as they do now.  In another time, The Ram wouldn't have had to face the last half of his life.  He would have gone out on top.

Now that humans live so long, it's not always enough to build up some for of success for yourself.  You have to keep it going, for the rest of your life.  Or, you have to be satisfied.  Otherwise, you've got a long road of disappointment ahead of you -- a slow march to the grave.

There is something bittersweet about the abuse The Ram takes in and out of the ring.  Because of the physical torture he endures, Marisa Tomei's exotic dancer character compares The Ram to Jesus Christ -- at least, the Jesus Christ she saw on screen in Mel Gibon's PASSION.  But, The Ram also absorbs emotional pain.  Just watch as he soak in the hatred as his estranged daughter (Evan Rachel Wood) screams at him.  He just sits there, head bowed, and takes it, just like he takes it in the ring.

I've liked Mickey Rourke ever since I saw him in BARFLY, in which he played a bum who hung out in bars picking fights and shacking up with broken women.  In BARFLY, Rourke's character also happened to have a way with words -- his brief poetic interludes hinted at something else going on beneath the tortured surface, a glimmer of hope that there's something more to life than boozing and brawling, even for this guy.

The Ram's own personal outlet doesn't have the same built in elevated status as something like poetry.  Wrestling isn't glamorous, or artistic, and the kind of people who put THE WRESTLER on their list of favorite movies for the year are not the kind of people who watch pro wrestling on TV, though the people who do watch pro wrestling will probably love this film when they find it on DVD.

Because The Ram is forced to live through the down half of his life, much like Benicio Del Toro's Che, the audience is forced to live through it, too.  A lesser movie would end just as The Ram seems to be putting things back together -- he has the strength to give up wrestling for his health, he's making a go of it at his minimum wage job, he has a successful outing with his daughter.  Most movies would roll credits there and let the audience imagine the rest.  But THE WRESTLER understands there are downs after the ups, and shows us what happens after the end credits.

Some complain the ending, when it finally comes, is too ambiguous.  They ask, what's the point?  I'd have the same complaints if it didn't end the way it did.  As it is, it's near perfect.  "Sweet Child O Mine" comes on the soundtrack, I get goose bumps, The Ram makes one last leap, and Bruce Springsteen counts down.

Snake-Eyes explores the one truly philosophical problem

A couple GI Joe action figures I received as free promo items shortly after I first started at my job have been hanging out on my desk for several years.  They spend most of their time hanging from  a couple file baskets, ready for action.

Over the last few weeks I've noticed a strange phenomenon.  Every day when I leave my desk, they're all fine.  When I get back to my desk in the morning, a ghastly sight awaits.

You see, Snake-Eyes commits suicide, every night.  He drops to his death from the hanging file basket and the next morning I find his broken body lying prostrate on the surface of my desk.

First, I scream, "Snake-Eyes NO!"  Then, as if I'm in that flick GROUNDHOG DAY, I pick him up and put him back where he belongs as if nothing happened.  I leave for the day, come back the next morning, and he's done it again.  His sword brother, Storm Shadow, both friend and foe, looks down at Snake-Eyes' body with deep remorse.

Today, after several days of repeated suicides, I got to wondering what Snake-Eyes' problem is.  Snake-Eyes is easily one of the coolest GI Joes.  He has a lot to live for and a lot going for him.  Let's review:

-- He's a grand master ninja

-- He's a real American hero

-- He's there (for me and you and the rest of the world in case Cobra attacks)

-- He knows stuff (and knowing is half the battle)

-- He's banging Scarlett (the other half of the battle)

Why would a dude like that want to end it all?

Maybe he saw the trailer for the upcoming movie and killed himself because of how lame it looks?

Maybe he read that he's being played by Ray Park in the movie, the dude who accidentally got famous for playing Darth Maul and now stars in every other movie based on a property lots of nerds like that requires a guy who doesn't talk or show his face?

Maybe it's post traumatic stress syndrome?

Or maybe he's just bummed out that he's mute as a result of a tragic helicopter accident?  I mean, if I couldn't talk I might kill myself, too.

Just think, poor Snake-Eyes can't even yell out, "I regret nothing!" before jumping to his doom.

I Know You Know That You're an April Fool

The only April Fool's day worth talking about is the one when I had my first kiss.

Me and my buddy Levi were in Jr. High and we were playing truth or dare with a couple chicks, teaming up to get them to kiss us.

We were too young and stupid to try to get them to kiss each other.

That night we arranged to go to the parking lot carnival with the girls, but both of them had to back out.  We went anyway, bought silly string, and shot each other with it.

When I got home my chick's best friend called and asked if I'd "go out" with her.  I said if she wanted to go out with me, she'd have to call me herself, because even then I was a control freak and attention whore.

So, she did.  And I said yes.

Three months later she dumped me.  APRIL FOOLS!