You say potato smoothie, I say mashed potatoes

I was in the check out line at the grocery store today when my favorite clerk popped up to help bag my shit.

He's my favorite clerk because he always compliments my Who t-shirts, of which I have many, and looks like he's really into getting high. Also it seems whichever grocery store I go to, he's always there, which sometimes confuses me.

Anyway, today, as he bagged a potato for me he said:

"Just so you know, potatoes are not good in smoothies."

Now that I'm home, I'm thinking, "Aren't mashed potatoes just a potato smoothie?" But, I'm glad it didn't occur to me to say that at the store, because I think his head might have exploded and then I'd be less one good clerk.

When You Wish Upon a Cell Phone

I was waiting at a restaurant for someone to meet me the other day and I thought, "I wish my cell phone had Tetris on it."

Then I thought, "I guess I've never checked before. Maybe my cell phone has secretly had Tetris on it all this time."

So I checked, and it did.

As I played it, I thought, "Maybe wishes DO come true some times."

But then the game abruptly ended. It was a demo.

So, I guess demonstrations of wishes come true some times.

"F" Martin Scorsese. "F" him.

I went to a midnight screening of INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS the other day. I haven't been to a midnight screening in a long time, but I had a friend in town visiting, and we both wanted to see it, and I had Friday off, so I thought, "What the hell?"

The last midnight screening I went to was for STAR WARS: EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH. You won't be surprised to learn that that screening was full of super nerds. That's why I shouldn't have been surprised to learn that this midnight screening of the new Quentin Tarantino movie was full of pretentious hipsters who think everything is ironic.

I didn't realize they were all jeering assholes until the trailers started. That's when they started shit talking everything, catcalling the screen, heckling and booing. It was dark, so I couldn't see, but I'm pretty sure they were also rolling their eyes a lot.

Like I said, I should have known. But here's the weird thing: the stuff they were acting too good for was stuff they should have liked. At least, I would have thought they would have liked.

For instance, there was a teaser for the new Christopher Nolan movie. It was met with derision from the audience. But why? Shouldn't these people like Christopher Nolan? I don't think I've ever seen a shitty Christopher Nolan movie. Even the one with Robin Williams was okay.

There was also a trailer for a new Martin Scorsese movie. Similarly, the audience seemed to be above Scorsese. Shouldn't it be illegal for a bunch of Tarantino fans to be too cool for Martin Scorsese? I mean, let's be honest. Without Martin Scorsese, there would be no Quentin Tarantino.

Guess what, though? It gets even weirder. A trailer for HALLOWEEN II came on, and the audience loved it. They ate it up. They literally cheered and applauded. I'm guessing a few dudes in the audience had to change their underwear.

So, let's review:

Christopher Nolan = eye rolls

Martin Scorsese = yawns

HALLOWEEN II = orgasms

Yeah, that makes sense.

Oh, and INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS was good.

Zac Efron vs. Chandler

I saw 17 AGAIN a couple months ago in the movie theater with my friend, Kaite, who is always a good go-to when it comes to trying to find an adult who will attend a romantic comedy about teenagers with me.

Anyway, the best part of the movie was the middle hour featuring teen sensation Zac Efron. The worst parts were the beginning and end where Matthew Perry (Chandler from FRIENDS) played the old version of Zac Efron.

A common complaint against the movie: how in hell could Zac Efron grow up to look like Matthew Perry? All outward appearances would seem to suggest that Zac Efron is more likely than not going to grow up to look like Tom Cruise in his prime, not post-bender Matthew Perry.

Well, I was looking at some old pictures of me in high school the other day and guess what?

ZAC EFRON COULD TOTALLY GROW UP TO LOOK LIKE MATTHEW PERRY.

The Office Space Rule

Today someone overheard me unleashing a tirade full of colorful metaphors first thing in the morning.

They said, "Sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays."

Which brought up a rule. The rule is this:

Don't swear in public.

No, just kidding. That's not the rule. The rule is this:

If a character makes fun of something in a movie, and you think the movie is good, don't do whatever they're making fun of. If you do, chances are you're missing the point of the movie.

Take OFFICE SPACE, for example. This is a film very few people saw in the theater, but it has gained popularity after coming out on video, and later, after playing on cable all day long, every day (in a bastardized form). The more popular it gets, the more it starts to reach an audience it clearly wasn't intended for -- i.e., the exact people the movie satirizes. Problem is, no one is aware they're being satirized. Case in point: I'm writing this whole thing, and the movie is probably making fun of me. But, you can avoid the joke being on you if you follow this rule:

If you see a movie, OFFICE SPACE, for example, and the comedic hero of the movie shit talks people who say, "Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays," and then every character who says that line is portrayed as a total douche, the message is: Don't say that to people. It's not, "Oh, isn't it hilarious! I'll remember that and say it to people from now on."

Or just say and do whatever you want. Whatever.

For the 5-year-old who has everything

I was recently invited to a 5-year-old's birthday party. The e-vite also listed several of my other friends, so I thought, what the hell, might as well. After all, I'd met the 5-year-old in question before and she was cool. We played Pixie Hollow, watered the Christmas tree, played hide and seek, ate some dinner. All in all, good times. So, I accepted the invitation.

Then, I realized that this 5-year-old would not be the only 5-year-old at the party. But, it was too late. I'd already accepted.

Anyway, the party is this weekend, so I don't have any great stories about me hanging out with a bunch of 5-year-olds, yet. But, let's not get ahead of ourselves. First order of business: buy a present.

I decided I better ask the parents of the 5-year-old what she might want for her birthday. This isn't like one of my adult friends where I can just get them a gift certificate, or an ironic t-shirt, or booze. I considered not getting anything for the 5-year-old at all but quickly dismissed that by trying to remember what it would have been like if I was 5 years old and some dude I barely new came to my birthday party and didn't even bother to get me a present. It would have sucked.

The parents listed a few things for me. The only thing out of the list I recognized was a Barbie. That didn't sound very exciting, so I asked some of my co-workers who have kids. They suggested some place where you build your own teddy bear. I know, I don't get it either. Apparently you get a gift certificate for the kid, then the kid goes and builds a teddy bear. Again, I tried to remember what it would have been like if I was 5 years old and someone handed me a piece of paper as a gift. Again, it would have sucked.

I tried to think of things I know about the 5-year-old in question from first hand experience. I know she likes to put things in little containers. According to her mom, she has all kinds of little boxes, purses, etc, all filled with little trinkets and charms. As I witnessed at the dinner table, this particular 5-year-old likes to open these boxes, purses, etc, and empty them of their contents, before returning each item back into the container in question.

So, I thought, why not get her a little container, or a series of little containers? But, again, I ran that by my inner 5-year-old and realized getting a container for my birthday would have sucked. In fact, I remember I got some tupperware for my 15th birthday and it was pretty depressing.

Back to Barbie. But what do I do, I wondered? Just walk into a store, go straight to the girls' toy aisle, and browse Barbies? How weird. I feel creepy even looking at the boys' section of the toy department, these days, which is too bad, since it's fun to look at all the Transformers, Star Wars, Star Trek and Indiana Jones figures that kick the asses of all the dumb toys I had when I was a kid. As long as no one is in the aisle, I'm cool, but as soon as someone rounds the corner, I instantly have to move on, as if I accidentally stumbled into the wrong aisle while looking for something a normal, mature adult would be looking for. Like dish soap.

I decided the best thing to do would be to recruit a female friend to not only help me pick out a good Barbie, but also to make me look more normal browsing the girls' toy aisle. I feel for single fathers. I bet they get weird looks all the time.

I asked Kaite if she'd go with me, and she was pretty excited about it. We went to Fred Meyer and went straight to the toy section. There was a whole aisle full of Barbies and other dolls. Appropriately, Debbie Gibson music floated out of the PA as we browsed.

At first all the Barbies looked the same to me. But upon closer inspection I saw that there were many varieties. Princesses, dog groomers, evening gowns, even Ken dressed as a French musketeer with a word bubble coming out of his mouth inexplicably stating, "I want to be an inventor." I saw a Barbie bathroom, playset, too, but remembered that the 5-year-old in question HATES bath time, so I decided against it.

One Barbie was particularly disturbing. She was some kind of tattoo artist who came with all kinds of stick-on tattoos. Gazing at her in disbelief, I wondered why she hadn't been on the evening news yet. "This just in: Mattel wants your kids to get tattoos." Then again, maybe it was on the news. Who knows. I decided this was just a sign that 12 year olds are having kids, because only a teenage mother would buy her kid Tattoo Barbie. Right? I looked for a body piercing Barbie but didn't see one.

Kaite explained the various selling points to me, pointing out the accessories each Barbie came with and whether or not it was a lot of value for the price. Important things I never would have considered, like:

-- Does the Barbie come with one outfit or two?

-- How many tiaras and hair brushes does she have?

We also looked at Polly Pocket, My Little Pony, and a robotic baby that I'm pretty sure I overheard farting. And, while I had company, I took advantage of the situation to browse the boys' action figures as well. As usual, way more awesome than the ones I used to have as a kid. Sigh.

We settled on one of the first Barbies we looked at, a brunette in a fancy green and gold sparkling ball gown, on her way to a masquerade ball, and called it a day. Here's a picture of her dwarfing Han Solo:

(Sorry about the flash.)

Next hurdle: buying girly wrapping paper. Lately I've been wrapping things in used paper QFC bags, but I used the "What would I think if I was 5?" trick again, and realized no 5-year-old should get anything in a brown paper wrapper, no matter what Julie Andrews sings. My first thought was that it would suck to buy girly wrapping paper, use it for one present, and then be stuck with a big roll of it that I'm never going to use.

Then I remembered I could just wrap everything in it and it would be hilarious. So, that made me feel better.

The last time I bought a Barbie was when I was around 6 years old. It was Peaches And Cream Barbie, for my sister's birthday. The gift was well received. Hopefully this one will be, too, but you never know with 5-year-olds.

Incidentally, I'm banking on her not being a huge blog reader.

An Open Letter to Paramount Pictures

Dear Paramount Pictures:

I just saw your box art for the new DVD and Blu-ray release for the recent STAR TREK movie, and it was as I feared -- a copy of the theatrical poster. The theatrical poster is kinda cool, don't get me wrong, but it's not going to get the job done on home video. Sure, every Trekkie is going to go out and buy the DVD, you don't have to worry about that, but in order to continue the unprecedented success of this film, you need to continue to reach out to the people who think they don't like STAR TREK, and this box art simply isn't going to do it:



Why not, you ask? It'd be easiest to explain it by pointing out the stuff people like to see on DVD boxes, rather than by pointing out what's wrong with this one.

Things that trick people into renting/buying movies:

1.) People's faces

Audiences like to be reassured that there are human beings in the film they're considering renting or buying. Preferably famous human beings, but they'll take just good looking ones, too.

2.) A chick

It helps if there's a hot chick but it's not mandatory. Paramount, you could easily slap Uhura or the green alien babe on there, if you wanted.

3.) Explosions

If you see an explosion on a DVD box cover, it means stuff happens in the movie. People like it when stuff happens in movies. Even movies without explosions should have explosions on the cover. Luckily, STAR TREK has a billion explosions.

4.) Memorable scenes from the movie

What better way to trick someone into renting or buying this DVD than reminding them of how awesome the movie was? In my opinion, if you want to recapture the people who normally aren't into STAR TREK, you need three images: Kirk on motorcycle, car going over cliff, and dudes skydiving from space. In short, make the box art a visual representation of the sweet trailers, which made the movie look 1,000 times more enticing and exciting than the theatrical posters did.

5.) Vehicles.

Yes, this is a picture of the Enterprise, but people want REAL vehicles. In this case, Kirk's motorcycle and/or stolen car. People love cars, especially classic ones, especially getting destroyed / driven fast.

6.) Colors.

The new STAR TREK movie explodes with colors. The box art above does not. Black and white = boring and artsy, two things your average DVD buyer / renter think they don't like.

Here's the deal, Paramount. People liked STAR TREK and went back to see it more than once because it was FUN. The box art above is NOT FUN. If you want to keep these non-Trekkies coming back for more, you have to remind them what an awesome movie this is. Don't let them forget.

Sincerely,
Paul

P.S. If you can figure out a way for the box to play SABOTAGE when people pick it up, that would be good, too.

P.P.S. If this turns out to be one of those hologram covers where if you look at it from another angle you see all the cool stuff I described above, I apologize.