Cosmos all around

This weekend I unwittingly found myself in the middle of a "Sex and the City" party. It was co-sponsored by Moet Champagne and took place at Departure, the bar on the roof of The Nines in downtown Portland. It's one of those places where all the chicks look like models and all the dudes look like douche bags. It reminded me of those L.A. parties, only the joke was on everyone, because we weren't in L.A. We were in Portland.

There was a costume contest, so there were Carries as far as the eye could see, most of them in tutus, or whatever you call the thing that looks like a tutu that Sarah Jessica Parker wears in that famous opening sequence. Some of the douches were dressed as Mr. Big. In other words, they were wearing suits.

As I escaped the party, I found myself crammed into the back corner of an elevator filled with about 12 Carries, ranging in age from about 21 to 35, all yapping about stuff you'd imagine women dressed as Carrie would yap about. It was like the scene in being John Malkovich where John Malkovich goes into his own head only less awesome.

Hitting a bar down the street, I ran into a fellow escapee.

"What's the matter, you didn't want to hang with all the Carries?" a friend asked him.

"I made out with a couple of them before I left," the escapee said.

"Are you sure they weren't Samanthas?" I asked. (Audience laughs, applause.)

"I was Samantha," he said. (Audience laughs, applause.)

Freeze frame.

There are always possibilities

I was talking to a co-worker earlier today who was describing how he had to stay out all night at the emergency room with his roommate.

"He always goes out jogging late at night," my co-worker said. "And he insists on wearing all black. Last night, he came back with a huge knot on his head. I guess he tripped and hit his head on the pavement."

"Or, maybe he's a super hero," I said.

The Gargoyle

When I was a kid, I was obsessed with monsters, especially with monster movies, like FRANKENSTEIN, DRACULA, THE WOLF-MAN, KING KONG. All that stuff. I read all those orange hardback books in the library about each monster, and read young-adult novelizations of the old horror and sci-fi novels by Stoker, Shelley, Stephenson, Wells.

Also, in 2nd grade, my teacher, Mrs. Freeburn, had the class write in a journal every day. I dug out my journal the other day and most of the entries are about whatever happened that day, but something like 10 entries are devoted to a horror story I was writing at the time -- THE GARGOYLE.

I'm not sure why I chose to write about a gargoyle, except maybe because there wasn't a cinematic or literary version of a monster story of a gargoyle yet, that I knew of, so as a monster it wasn't "used up." I also used to play a computer game called DARK CASTLE, and one of the mythical creatures you had to fight in that game was a gargoyle, and that was probably the first time I had ever even heard that word. I remember reading a book about mythical creatures that explained some similarities between the gargoyle and the sphinx.

Anyway, here's the full text of THE GARGOYLE, unaltered except to correct spelling. The names of the characters may seem weird, but I stole them from horror stories I was reading at the time -- names like Carew and Clerval come from DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE and FRANKENSTEIN. The dates are the days I wrote each part of the story, they don't have anything to do with the actual plot.

THE GARGOYLE

2/23

It started out in London. In the London clock tower. It was very foggy. And a man named Carew was walking by. Then he sat on a bench. Something flew by. Carew wondered what he had seen. He thought he was just seeing things. Then he heard the sound of a vulture! He fell back and knocked himself out. When he woke up he was in a hospital.

2/24

In the hospital the doctors and nurses took good care of Carew. When he got out of the hospital he was assigned to take some tourists on a tour of the clock tower. He accepted the job. So he took them on a tour of the clock tower. They went out on the balcony. On the end of the railing on both sides was a statue of a gargoyle! The tourists just walked past it but Carew stopped and thought he saw its eyes glow.

2/27

Then Carew thought he saw its wing move. Then its eyes stopped glowing. The next morning Carew took his children for a walk in the woods. The kids went off to play while Carew waited. Then a lion walked up to him. A lion with a lady's head and wings of a hawk!

2/28

It pointed to a wall. Carew stared with horror. Then the thing laughed. It said, "If you want to get past that wall. . . then you have to answer this riddle." The thing asked a riddle and Carew answered it. But. . . his answer was wrong! The thing reached out for Carew's neck and scratched him with his claws. Then it said, "I'll finish you off later. Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa!" It disappeared.

NOTE: On 3/1 I couldn't continue the story because we were all instructed to write about how bad we were at lining up and at recess.

3/2

That night Carew went to sleep thinking of the horrible thing. His wife asked why he had the scar on his neck but he never answered. In the middle of the night Carew heard Avis, his daughter, scream. Carew put on his robe and rushed to her room. It was quiet. Too quiet. Carew had to do something. He went in the hall and picked up the hat rack.

NOTE: I guess he picked up the hat rack to use as a weapon but it's never referenced again.

3/3

Carew went back into Avis' room and then that gargoyle jumped out from behind the bed and scratched Carew on his neck on the same spot he did last time. Carew rushed to the window. He saw the gargoyle flying to the clock tower with Avis in his arms. Carew rushed to the police office and told the police. The police called him a fool. But a kind man named Clerval went with Carew to the clock tower. His son Hans came, too. At the top of the clock tower the gargoyle was about to drop Avis over the edge. Then Carew jumped at the thing.

NOTE: This page of the journal is decorated with a sticker of a duck wearing a visor and flip flops.

3/6

It toppled off of the clock tower. Carew caught Avis. Hans heard the cawing of crows. He climbed onto the clock hands and looked. Then the bell rang for midnight. Hans lost his balance and fell to the ground. Then a whole herd of gargoyles started at Carew, Clerval and Avis!

3/7

Then Clerval pulled out a gun and shot all of the gargoyles down from the sky. The next evening they went to Hans' funeral.

The End

Things people wrote in my yearbooks

When I was in middle school I think I was a little more into stuff like signing year books than maybe some of my friends were. I think it's partly because I had an older sibling who had already gone through middle school, so I kind of had a romanticized idea of what to expect -- an idea of what is "supposed" to happen.

But, that's also because I loved "The Wonder Years" and fancied myself a little 1990s version of Kevin Arnold. Who can forget the episode where he fills a whole page of Winnie's yearbook with meaningful, heartfelt confessions only to have her write, "Have a nice summer," or something like that, in return? Yes, I realize Kevin Arnold's an asshole and that was meant as a cautionary tale, but I couldn't help it. I was a romantic.

I dug out my middle school year books today and started reading the stuff people had written in them. There was a lot of typical stuff like "Have a good summer" and "Don't change" but there were also some amusing, weird and unique ones. Most of them refer to obscure inside jokes or nicknames that were often the only things I had in common with the people I shared classes with, so they don't make sense out of context. But some stand on their own.

Here are the best ones, with parenthetical commentary:

"I heart your singing. Ha! Ha!"

(Something tells me she was busting chops)

"Don't worry, I won't bug you during Baywatch anymore."

(More chop busting, but still a nice gesture)

"You're a great friend. I hope to play with you."

(Oops. This guy hadn't learned you're supposed to "hang out" in middle school, not "play")

"Hi Paul. Ask out Mary again."

(No thanks. Instead I backed into her Mustang)

"I guess I'll see you really soon so I won't write anything really stupid."

"I'm writing upside down because I'm cooler than you."

(This guy was not cooler than me)

"You're not loud."

(The person who wrote this WAS loud)

"Keep up the typing."

(I took this advice)

"You are soooo funny and sooo annoying. But I like you anyway."

(Owch)

"Grow up. J/J, you know I love you. Well, in this very remote way."

(Owch, again)

"Of all the souls I've encountered, yours was the most. . . human."

(Nice. Star Trek II reference)

"You R really funny and you're a good drawer. The only time you are an asshole is when you and David get together and rip on me."

(See? I wasn't so bad)

"You don't know what you have until it's gone. Those are my words of wisdom."

(A little ominous for an 8th grader)

"Maybe we could like. . . go hay riding or something."

(We never went on that hay ride. . .)

"My dad doesn't hate you."

(Code for, "My dad hates you.")

"This year was great. Like totally for sure."

(Or something)

"Have a great summer. Call me some time you stud man."

(What's with these girls and all their chop busting?)

And the best one:

"I can't say have a good Summer because it IS Summer. Well, never forget that I am going to come by your house when you're 40 and ask for directions. Then you will try to tell me where but never really tell me so you'll have to ride to the bridge with me and then I will offer you a smoke and you will hold it forever in your hand. You know the rest. Don't go chasing waterfalls. You have to do the DARE!"

Ah, nothing like obscure "Bridges of Madison County" references. But, what dare am I supposed to do? I forget.

Kill Spam Day

If Hawaiians love Spam so much, what do they call shitty e-mail?

Do they name it after something useless and shitty that they hate?

Like Haole?

I'm a Conformist (Yellow)

Today I saw a dude with a tattoo that said "Conformity is Insanity."

He was wearing a "live strong" bracelet.

At first I thought that was ironic but then I realized he was being a non-conformist since living strong isn't trendy anymore.