The Difference Between Boyhood and Manhood

When I was a boy, I had a subscription to NINTENDO POWER. I couldn't bring myself to throw them away once I was done with them. So, they stacked up in my closet.

Years later, in my teens, still a boy, I came into possession of a couple issues of PLAYBOY from various black market sources. I decided the best way to hide them was simply to slip them into my stack of NINTENDO POWERS. It just looked like a normal stack of magazines. And, there was no reason for anyone to go looking for them. It didn't look suspicious and didn't stick out unlike, say, if I had placed all of them under my mattress. One peek under the mattress during a sheet change and I'd be finished.

Years later, after graduating college, living on my own, I ended up with a subscription to PLAYBOY. I think a lot of people ended up with PLAYBOY subscriptions who happened to be in their mid-twenties in the early 21st century. Thanks to the drastic drop in circulation amidst the growth of the Internet, PLAYBOY was suddenly available for like $4.99 for 12 issues or something insane like that, and what 20-something guy living in his first apartment could resist that? Not me.

Anyway, like most magazines I'd ever subscribed to, I instantly lost interest in PLAYBOY as soon as the subscription kicked in. I'd glance through the magazine on day one, then leave it in a stack and forget about it. Each year I'd mean to cancel it until they'd offer me some amazing deal including a free DVD or something and I'd shrug and think, "All right, one more year." Finally, after a few years of this, even the free DVD couldn't entice me anymore and I called it quits on the worthless subscription.

Before I knew it I had a stack of about 3 years worth of PLAYBOYS that I had barely looked at. The stack just sat there for years until finally it was time for me to move into a new apartment. I thought, this is the perfect time to get rid of my PLAYBOYS. But then I thought, how do you get rid of PLAYBOYS?

If I had tossed each one as I had received it, it would have been inconspicuous, but I was a little afraid to dump a stack of 3 years worth of PLAYBOYS. On one hand, someone might find the treasure trove and it might be the best day of their lives. On the other, I didn't know the legal responsibility of leaving restricted material in a dumpster for anyone to scrounge up. I knew some people collected PLAYBOYS so I thought about dumping them online but was much too lazy for that.

Eventually I was almost entirely moved into my new place and decided I might as well just bring the stack of PLAYBOYS along. I stuck them in the closet and figured they'd sit there for another several years, completely ignored. Except a strange thing happened: since they had been fresh in my mind for the first time in a long time, I decided to get them out and look at them.

So, I sorted through the stack, got a few issues in, and suddenly was stunned and shocked to see an issue of CLUB INTERNATIONAL sitting there in the pile. Now, in case you're a respectable member of society and don't dabble in merchandise you can only get from BEHIND the counter at the convenience store, I'll explain that CLUB INTERNATIONAL is a much dirtier magazine than PLAYBOY. When you're in college or just out of college, you can leave a PLAYBOY sitting around your living room and most people your age won't raise an eye brow. Sure, girls might come over, look through the magazine, and ruthlessly judge all the models, but that's about the extent of the criticism you'll receive. But you can't just leave a copy of CLUB INTERNATIONAL laying around without looking like a pervert.

To give an example, an issue of PLAYBOY might advertise articles like, "God Vs. Free Speech by Gore Vidal" on the cover while the cover of CLUB INTERNATIONAL might say say something more like "Sarah gives Victoria a hot sex surprise!"

I had forgotten I even had this magazine, but it occurred to me that the way I had apparently discreetly hidden it among my PLAYBOYS was similar to the way the PLAYBOYS used to hide between my NINTENDO POWERS.

So, the difference between boyhood and manhood:

When you're a boy, you hide harmless pornography among NINTENDO POWERS.

When you're a man, you hide disgusting pornography among slightly less disgusting pornography.