Horrorfest 2011: The Cremator

Now we're back in the 60s with THE CREMATOR, a Czech film once banned from its homeland. That's two banishments so far for Horrorfest 2011. Not bad.

THE CREMATOR takes place in Prague in the 1930s on the eve of Nazi occupation. The cremator in question is Kopfrkingl (Rudolf Hrusinsky), a family man who takes his job very seriously while also openly enjoying it. A fan of the Tibetan Book of the Dead, Kopfrkingl believes the sooner a dead body can get "back to dust," the sooner it can be free from Earthly suffering, closer to enlightenment, and ready for reincarnation. So, as he pushes the option of cremation on prospective future clients, he argues, why rot underground for years when you cremation can get it taken care of in a little over an hour?

At first Kopfrkingl is portrayed as proud of his family's assimilation in Czech culture -- they only speak the native language at home and the kids go to Czech schools. However, Kopfrkingl's old war buddy from Austria (Ilja Prachar) begins to convince him otherwise -- if the Germans are definitely coming, why not join them? This leads Kopfrkingl, who is already an obsessive when it comes to cleanliness, social standing and overall image, to become preoccupied with his own "racial purity" and that of his family -- what will the political changing tides mean for his half-Jewish wife (Vlasta Chramostova) and his weak, effeminate son (Milos Vognic)? The pathetic thing is, Kopfrkingl doesn't just start to change his mind to save his own ass -- he's also tempted by the "perks" of being a party member, for example, potential access to better whores than he was previously used to.

From the first frame of the film, it is clear that Kopfrkingl is a creep. What's not clear is just how deep his creepiness might go. Rudolf Hrusinsky's masterful performance carries the piece. Here is an insane monster who uses the changing society around him to indulge his own power mad, self glorifying fantasies. He presents himself as cultured but is obsessed with the surface of things. Just one look at his face betrays the front he's putting on and shows him for the smarmy, slimy, cowardly, calculating, hypocritical fraud he is. Perhaps the most unsettling thing about this character and performance is how realistic and believable it is. This is no supernatural monster. This is the kind you might have met before without even knowing it. For about half the movie I was trying to figure out who he kept reminding me of and then I finally figured it out -- Ricky Gervais at his worst. Someone should cast that guy in a horror movie.

Believe it or not, THE CREMATOR is not just a horror film or a political allegory -- it is also a very dark comedy. A lot of the earlier passages exploring the "normal" daily family and work life of Kopfrkingl work not just as a study of a disturbed mind, but also a kind of societal satire, picking apart get togethers and social conventions with a sharp wit. This is one of the genius strokes of the screenplay -- you can laugh at the transparent nature of Kopfrkingl, who thinks he has everyone fooled, while also being freaked out by him, since we, as the audience, know more about him than his friends and family do.

We're told a lot about Kopfrkingl through the way the film is edited. There are lots of jump cuts to images that are either jarring or simply don't fit into the larger context of whatever scene we're in the middle of -- signs that Kopfrkingl's obsessive mind is not only all over the place, but focusing inappropriately on the wrong things at the wrong time. We get glimpses that assure us his sexual urges are unsettling and that his interest in his job is, in fact, just as creepy as it seems to be on the surface.

The film is also meticulously crafted from the screenplay up with smooth, efficient transitions that allow for a perfect pace. You can tell from the way one scene moves into another that it was planned out carefully on the page, and that it was even incorporated into blocking of the action on the set, as a character or prop figures prominently from one scene to the next. Then, the editing snaps it together with a well timed voice over, so we think we're hearing someone speak in one context only to find out they're speaking in an entirely new and different one. All of this both makes the film work effortlessly while keeping the audience on edge.

I'm sure it was obvious even in the late 60s, but public consciousness about the particulars of the Holocaust, thanks in part to Hollywood, is probably even stronger today than they were at the time this film was made. So, it does not take a genius to see some potential connections between our cremator main character and the Nazis' preferred method of body disposal on a genocidal scale. And I assure you, in THE CREMATOR, these connections are not ignored.

Horrorfest 2011: Faust

Let's head back to Germany for FAUST, the first silent film of Horrorfest 2011. This is another film from F.W. Murnau, who directed SUNRISE from Romancefest 2011 and, more importantly, NOSFERATU -- perhaps the greatest horror film of them all.

FAUST stars Emil Jannings as Mephisto, a chief demonic agent of Satan (or maybe Satan himself, I'm a little unclear on this) who makes a wager with an archangel (Werner Fuetterer) that he can turn an otherwise pious man against God. An alchemist named Faust (Gosta Ekman) is the human who becomes the center of this bet. Faust is a seemingly wise, aged scholar who is struggling to save the people of his village from a plague brought by Mephisto. He uses both prayer and his knowledge of alchemy in an attempt to develop a cure, but finds both methods are useless and, in a fit of rage and desperation, renounces God while burning both his science books and his holy scriptures.

Faust eventually summons Mephisto at a crossroads, and Mephisto makes a deal with Faust -- Faust can sign a one day contract with Mephisto for unlimited power and glory in exchange for renouncing God and praising Satan. If he's not into it after one day, the contract is over. If he wants to continue, he belongs to Mephisto for life. Sounds simple enough, but of course, Mephisto has a lot of tricks up his sleeve, first giving Faust the ability to cure the sick people in his village, and following that up with the promise to give Faust youth and offers to let Faust live a life of pleasure that he never got to experience the first time around. The clock's ticking and Faust has to decide -- go back to being an old man, or have everything in life he missed out on the first time.

Anyway, I don't want to go too much more into the plot because this is one of those "one damn thing after another" movies -- every time you think the plot is going one way, something else comes up and the movie changes its course. Suffice it to say that Faust's deal with Mephisto eventually comes into conflict with Faust's attempts at true love and happiness with the beautiful and innocent small town girl Gretchen (Camilla Horn).

As with all of Murnau's movies, the great stuff here does not really concern the story. The story is just an excuse to create mind bending special effects and awesome images. Thanks to the fantasy and horror elements, Murnau is able to go overboard with all kinds of crazy in-camera special effects involving multiple exposures, miniature models, and menacing costumes. The special effects are wide-ranging. We have an early shot of some apocalyptic horsemen, an image of Mephisto towering over the small village and enveloping it with his wings, a scene in which a contract seems to write itself in fire right before our eyes, a creepy negative shot (I think) of Mephisto while he transforms Faust into a young man using black magic, and an endless shot of Mephisto and Faust flying by fields, mountains and villages as they travel the Earth.

Similarly to NOSFERATU, which famously starred Max Schreck as possibly the most revolting and creepy vampire ever put on screen, Murnau gets a lot of mileage out of casting the right guy as Mephisto. Emil Jannings isn't as outright horrifing as Schreck is in NOSFERATU, but he does perfectly encapsulate the slimy nature of the double-dealing devil. He has three distinct looks in the movie -- as a towering demon, an old man, and a younger gentleman. The "younger gentleman" look is totally sordid, with his black, slicked back hair, pasty face and awkwardly fitting cape. In fact, Mephisto looks enough like Lugosi's Dracula in a couple shots that I wonder if this was a direct inspiration on the later Universal classic?

Like most silent films, a modern viewer, whether well versed in film history or not, should probably adjust his or her expectations before sitting down to watch FAUST. After all, the movie is 85 years old, and a lot of stuff has changed in those 85 years. Still, the images alone make FAUST as cutting edge now as it was in its day.

Horrorfest 2011: Kwaidan

What do you say we follow up a Japanese horror flick from 1964 with another Japanese horror flick from 1964? Despite the fact that it comes from the same time and place and belongs in the same genre, KWAIDAN couldn't be more different from ONIBABA. In fact, the two films are nearly opposites. Where ONIBABA is short, brutal, gritty, and black and white KWAIDAN is long, lyrical, lavish and in full blazing color. ONIBABA seems more contemporary and cutting edge for its time, while KWAIDAN feels like a throwback or even homage to the golden age of Hollywood. Most of ONIBABA takes place in natural locations while most of KWAIDAN takes place on giant indoor sets. And so on. The two movies even share an actor, Kei Sato, who has a major role in ONIBABA but only appears as a secondy character in KWAIDAN.

KWAIDAN is an anthology movie that spends just shy of 3 hours telling 4 different ghost stories. The first, THE BLACK HAIR, tells the tale of a poverty stricken samurai (Rentaro Mikuni) who is unhappy with his marriage and leaves his wife (Michiyo Aratama) for a more luxurious life. Unfortunately, the samurai is also unhappy in his new marriage, and heads home for a happy reunion with his first wife only to find that a ghastly change has taken place in his absence.

The next story, THE WOMAN IN THE SNOW, is about a woodcutter (Tatsuya Nakadai) lost in a snow storm whose life is spared by an icy female spirit (Keiko Kishi) on the condition that he never tells anyone he has seen her. The woodcutter lives on to meet the girl of his dreams only to find out she's not who she seems.

In HOICHI THE EARLESS, we meet a blind minstrel named Hoichi (Katsuo Nakamura) who is summoned by ghostly warriors to sing the ballads of their long lost wars. When the minstrel's masters attempt to protect him from the spirits, their plan backfires with ghoulish consequences.

The final story, IN A CUP OF TEA, is kind of a story within a story in which a writer imagines a tale of a samurai (Kan'emon Nakamura) who defiantly drinks a cup of tea containing the soul of another warrior (Noboru Nakaya) only to be tormented by mischievous ghosts. The story ends abruptly as we find out the writer of this story never finished his tale and that the supernatural elements may have crossed over into the real world.

While this movie is beautiful to look at and an undeniably amazing technical achievement, it is almost unbearably slow. Maybe it would have been better to watch one segment at a time over a few days, or maybe the first two segments in one sitting and the last two in another, because the near 3 hour running time definitely tried my patience. On top of the movie actually being long, it also relies almost entirely on moody suspense and long quiet set ups to make the horrific moments pay off, so this only drags the movie out even longer. I realize this kind of talk is probably bordering on heresy to some movie nerds, but I gotta tell it like I see it.

Still, I'm glad I saw the movie for some of its great images. Like I mentioned before, almost the whole thing is shot on extravagant, gigantic indoor sets. There isn't much attempt to make the sets look real -- they look more like something out of a fantasy (or nightmare) than anything you might see in real life, which is perfect for the film's themes. There are some pretty crazy background paintings depicting regular things, like sunsets, all the way to ominous evil eyes overlooking the action from above. There's also a cool-looking samurai battle at sea which never looks for a moment like it's not in a water tank on a studio set, but somehow benefits from this. It's almost like seeing a full color version of one of those expressionist silent flicks. The unique images even extend to the actors themselves, whose makeup changes depending on the height of their supernatural experiences. There's even poor Hoichi the minstrel who has Japanese characters painted on every inch of his body (except, notably, his ears).

KWAIDAN is a commitment to sit through, and you might have to take a few breaks, but if you ever get around to it you'll probably never see anything else like it. I know I haven't.

Horrorfest 2011: Onibaba

ONIBABA takes place in medieval Japan as the country is torn apart by war. Opposing generals set their Samurai warriors against each other and armies kidnap helpless peasant men from their farms and force them to enlist. A young woman (Jitsuko Yoshimura) loses her husband in the war and is forced to scrape together what food and resources she can by teaming up with her mother in law (Nobuko Otowa) to kill samurai warriors who wander through their part of the swamp, strip them of their armor and weapons, and sell the goods on the black market to a crooked local merchant (Taiji Tonoyama). Together, the two women dispose of the samurai bodies in an ominous, mysterious, deep, dark hole hidden in the tall grass surrounding their home.

This daily routine is interrupted when a male peasant named Hachi (Kei Sato) escapes the war and returns home. He simultaneously butts into their morbid business and unabashedly attempts to woo the young woman, much to her mother in law’s disapproval and jealousy.

A chance encounter with a demon-masked samurai general (Jukichi Uno) gives the mother in law an idea for a plan to scare her daughter in law off of the love affair for good, taking advantage of cultural superstition in the process. Unfortunately, the demon mask may not just be a mask, and the superstitions may have something to them.

The story doesn’t really veer into horror territory until the last reel or so, with the arrival of the demon-masked samurai, who is definitely creepy. However, the whole set up puts the viewer ill at ease from the beginning, thanks in part to the eclectic musical score that seems to be at odds with what might normally be considered music. But the unease is mostly due to the setting, what with the restless rustling of the tall grass, the mysterious hole filled with dead samurai bodies, and the way the central characters constantly eye each other with suspicion. When they’re eating, they huddle around their food like abused animals, as if they’re afraid someone’s going to swoop in and take it from them. When they sleep, they keep one eye open.

ONIBABA is further proof that you don’t have to be trashy to be a horror film. This Japanese film has enough over the top drama and eroticism to put the pulpiest novel or grittiest grindhouse flick to shame. But it’s shot in immaculate black and white in magnificent nature settings and every scene takes place in waving grass fields where the blades tower over the heads of the people who live there. So, the horror story unfolds in the shadow of beautiful scenery, which elevates a relatively simple story of lust, murder, jealousy, making the film at once more surreal and more beautiful than many otherwise thematically similar horror flicks, a juxtaposition, which, in turn, makes the horror that much uglier.

Horrorfest 2011: The Testament of Dr. Mabuse

Banned in Germany upon its first release in 1933 and never fully appreciated in the U.S. until the 1970s, THE TESTAMENT OF DR. MABUSE was cinematic genius Fritz Lang's second sound-era film after the classic Peter Lorre crime thriller, M. Like M, MABUSE features the character of Inspector Lohman (Otto Wernicke), making the film a bit of a pseudo-sequel. It's a more direct sequel to Lang's earlier DR. MABUSE: THE GAMBLER, a film I have never seen but should now add to my must-see list.

Aside from M, I've also seen one of Lang's other masterpieces many times, the sci-fi epic METROPOLIS. MABUSE shares many qualities with Lang's earlier efforts -- they all tell stories utilizing the many layers of an urban society, from top to bottom, and they're all set in dark and ominous locations. MABUSE has the gangland and police procedural angles of M and the expressionistic dream-like elements of METROPOLIS.

One thing MABUSE has that the others do not have is a supernatural element. But, I'm getting ahead of the plot -- the Mabuse of the title (Rudolf Klein-Rogge) is a criminal mastermind who has been held in an insane asylum for years, under the study of Professor Baum (Oscar Beregi, Sr.). Mostly catatonic, all Mabuse does is sit up in his bed and write endless pages of a criminal manifesto -- a sort of criminal genius' how-to guide for a variety of perfect crimes, ultimately leading up to the destruction of society, and maybe even mankind, through the acts of senseless chaos -- crime for crime's sake. Mabuse is one of the first of many super villains who would later be commonly found in comic books and Saturday morning cartoons (and later, big budget movies based on the same).

Mabuse's written ramblings are somehow making their way out of the asylum and manifesting themselves as actual plots in an intricate criminal underworld that is slowly but surely taking over the city. Among these criminals is Kent (Gustav Diessl) who has turned to crime as a result of the shitty economy, but starts to balk when the crimes veer towards violence, and is tempted to give it all up to run away with his sweetheart (Wera Liessem).

The afore-mentioned Inspector Lohman, a cranky but brilliant criminal investigator, becomes interested in the investigation when Hofmeister (Karl Meixner), a once promising cop who has since fallen from grace, contacts him with some leads. Unfortunately, before Lohman knows what has happened, Hofmeister is behind the bars of Baum's insane asylum, creepily chattering to himself in his cell.

I promised a supernatural element before. Without giving away too much, let's just say there are a couple ghosts walking around and that Mabuse might have some telepathic powers beyond that of your average every day criminal mastermind. Then again, maybe the ghosts are the figments of a crazed imagination? Maybe Mabuse isn't telepathic after all? You never know.

Most of the movie plays like a somewhat melodramatic police procedural. A lot of this is the stuff of movie serials -- an untouchable villain dispatching his endless hordes of henchman to ravage the city, while our heroes go through several cliffhangers, car chases, and explosions. The difference is, here we've got great production values, intricate plotting and ambiguously creepy moments instead of solved mysteries.

My favorite part was Karl Meixner's performance as the ex-cop apparently driven insane by Dr. Mabuse. He sings this creepy "Gloria" song whenever he becomes afraid, in a wavering, child-like voice. The use of the song here is somewhat reminiscent of the use of the child killer's whistling in M and similarly never failed to send a chill down my spine.

There's an interesting dichotomy in this film between the mundane and even gritty settings of warehouses, the street thug characters, the matter of fact cops and the more supernatural or comic booky elements of the story. One set, in particular, takes full advantage of this dichotomy -- an abandoned room in which the criminals receive their instructions from the mastermind, again, presumably Mabuse, who literally sits behind a curtain. One half of the room looks like an authentic abandoned room in a bombed out building, with peeling wallpaper and a bricked up window. The other half of the room is the territory of afternoon serials, with a row of lights illuminating a shadowy figure behind a curtain, who commands his minions with an authoritative (maybe even hypnotic?) voice.

I was glad to see another of Lang's films, albeit a less famous one than either M or METROPOLIS. In some ways, MABUSE is a little less ground breaking than its predecessors because it's simply not as flashy or gimmicky. But, in other ways, MABUSE is way ahead of its time in the way it uses several levels of a complex social system to carefully allow its story to unfold without hitting the audience over the head with too much explanation. In this way, MABUSE has more in common with the film so the latter half of the 20th century than it does with its contemporaries, which might explain why it took so long to get some recognition.

Horrorfest 2011: The Fly (1986)

It's time for Horrorfest 2011. Like last October and the October before it, in honor of Halloween, I'm going to watch 31 horror movies in 31 days. Like last year, I'm going to stick to movies I haven't seen before. And guess what? I've never seen THE FLY!

I wrote about the original THE FLY during Horrorfest 2009. This year it's the 1986 remake directed by David Cronenberg. I've seen a few Cronenberg flicks in my day, ranging from ones I really like (VIDEODROME) to ones I could do without (CRASH). Like many of the flicks I end up watching during these "fests" THE FLY is the type of movie I kind of feel like I've basically seen before even if I haven't ever actually gotten around to watching the whole thing. Being a movie nerd, I've heard about THE FLY enough to know what I was getting into.

THE FLY stars Jeff Goldblum as an eccentric scientist (a role he'd be stuck playing the rest of his life) who has created a teleportation system with one flaw -- it doesn't seem to work on living flesh. Geena Davis is an ambitious journalist who wants to write the definitive chronicle of the creation of this miraculous device. Davis' creepy boss (John Getz) is still leering around, hoping to rekindle a previous affair between the two. Unfortunately for him, Davis would rather bone Goldblum and the two get to knocking boots right quick, between experiments.

Of course, the titular fly gets into the teleportation device with Goldblum and everything goes wrong. At first his body seems to react positively to the fusion of the human an insect genetics, but eventually his body starts disintegrating piece by piece as a monster emerges from beneath his own skin.

As usual, with Cronenberg, a lot of the material deals with the philosophical implications of what the physical world means -- what makes a human? How do we tick? What are the barriers between the outside world and the world inside of us? Are there any barriers at all? Are we just kidding ourselves? Etc.

And, as usual, all that stuff is interesting. THE FLY benefits from having a lurid plot torn from the pages of pulp sci-fi magazines and the makeup and special effects guys make sure the movie wallows extravagantly in these exploitative origins. This keeps the movie from ever taking itself too seriously or ever falling too neatly into any single paint by numbers plot -- sure, it's horror and it's sci-fi, but it also doesn't have clear heroes or villains and has its fair share of laughs along with scares. So, Cronenberg gets to have his high brow explorations while deftly avoiding the pitfall of boring the audience.

Probably the most terrifying scene in the movie involves a Geena Davis dream sequence in a clinical setting. I don't want to give it away, but it definitely counts as "horror."

Towards the end of the flick things do start getting potentially too ridiculous, but luckily as Goldblum's monster mad scientist spirals out of control, the movie comes to a swift close, and never gives the audience a chance to really question what's going on.

All in all, a good start to Horrorfest 2011 -- it was a good flick, a movie I've meant to see for a while, a remake to a flick I've already seen, and I can check another entry off the list in a famous filmmaker's body of work that I intend to see more of . Should be a good month.

Bedtime story

Here's a bedtime story I made up a few weeks ago. Like most bedtime stories, I imagine it loses some of its charm once it is written down. So, do me a favor: just imagine it has more charm, if that's possible.

Once upon a time there was a far away kingdom ruled by a kindly King. His castle overlooked a beautiful lake. On the other side of the lake was a mountain range that reached all the way to the clouds. Above the clouds, on top of the tallest mountain, there lived a Dragon who spent his days hoarding treasure.

Legend had it that if a hero was brave enough to confront the dragon, the hero would have the choice between either taking the riches or having one wish granted by the Dragon's magic. But no hero had dared to try to cross the lake, which was as treacherous as it was beautiful, or climb the mountains, which were as steep as they were majestic, or ascend through the clouds, which were as stormy as they were heavenly.

The King had one daughter. She was a beautiful Princess and ever since she was a newborn, the King had loved her so much that he would kiss each of her delicate and dainty little fingers before she went to sleep. The Princess grew over the course of a few years from a baby to a little girl, and every night the King would give each of her fingers a kiss before she went to bed.

The Dragon on the top of the mountain heard tales of the King and his beautiful daughter and the nightly finger kisses and grew angry. After his days of hoarding, the Dragon return to his den, where he lived alone, and struggled to sleep every night. It wasn't fair, he thought, that the Princess should have someone to kiss her fingers until she fell asleep, while he should sit in his den on top of the mountains and toss and turn all night. The angrier the Dragon got, the more violent his daily treasure hunts became, until he was feared throughout the kingdom.

The Cloud people, who lived in the clouds, feared his mighty wings that caused great wind storms. The Rock people, who lived on the sides of the mountains, feared his claws, for they tore through stone like it was paper. The Water people, who lived in the lake, feared the Dragon's fiery breath, for it was hot enough to evaporate even the bravest Water Warrior. The Cloud people, Rock people and Water people could not agree to form an alliance to fight the dragon, however, because of centuries of fighting and petty differences. The King's army of men had similar differences with the various tribes of the kingdom and couldn't face the Dragon alone, either.

One day the Princess asked her father, "Daddy, why does the Dragon attack the people of our kingdom?"

"You are a lucky little girl who gets a royal kiss on each of her royal fingers every night to help you go to sleep," the King explained to his daughter. "The Dragon is on top of the mountain by himself and has no one to kiss his fingers until he falls asleep. He is lonely and spiteful and takes it out on everyone in the kingdom."

"Why doesn't someone go kiss his fingers, then?" the Princess asked.

"If anyone approached the Dragon, they'd be burnt by his fire breath and slashed by his claws, and if they weren't dead by then, he'd fly them high into the sky with his mighty wings and drop them from a great height," the King said. "No one dares."

"If I went to visit the Dragon, I would be so nice that he wouldn't be able to attack me," the Princess said. "Then, I'd give him kisses on his fingers so he could get a good night's sleep, and once he gets a good night's sleep, he will stop attacking the people of our kingdom. Anyway, he's right -- it isn't fair that I should get kisses on my fingers while he should live a life alone in his cave."

"You are a good hearted girl," the King said. "But you mustn't ever try to visit the Dragon. It's too dangerous. No matter how nice you are, he would attack you. That is why he doesn't have any friends."

"Has anyone been nice to him before?" the Princess asked.

"I don't know," the King said. "I suppose not."

"Well, then, how do we know what would happen?" the Princess asked.

"I refuse to risk it," the King said. "And if I must, then I hereby forbid you from leaving the castle grounds."

That night, though the King kissed each of the Princess' dainty fingers, she still tossed and turned. She couldn't stop thinking about the lonely Dragon. She also couldn't stop thinking about the innocent people of the kingdom who suffered daily attacks from the angry Dragon. She woke up early the next morning, packed a basket with bread, cheese and milk, and snuck out of the castle grounds to start her journey.

She had chosen a nice summer day for her travels. The birds chirped and the trees rustled in the light breeze. She stuck to the main trail and eventually came upon the beautiful lake. The blue sky reflected off of the calm water and she could see the mountains rising on the other side. The Princess untied one of the royal row boats from the dock and started rowing across.

About halfway across the lake the water suddenly became rough and the boat was tossed about. The Princess gave up rowing and concentrated on just trying to stay inside the boat. It wasn't long before she was washed over board and felt herself being dragged down into the murky depths. Just when the Princess thought all was lost, she felt something pushing her up, up and up, and before she knew it she broke through the surface and landed on the sandy shore at the foot of the mountains. She spit out some water and looked around. She could see the castle all the way on the other side of the lake. At first she thought she had lost her basket but suddenly she spotted it floating safely across the surface of the water. Before it was deposited on the shore in front of her, a watery form rose up around it, slowly taking the shape of a man, who stepped out of the lake, and handed the basket to her.

"You should be careful," the man made of water said. "The water people don't like trespassers and will do anything to keep their lake safe. That's why you were tossed overboard. I noticed you were just a little girl, though, and called off the troops."

"You must be a Water Warrior," the Princess said.

"That's right," the man made of water said. "What are you doing so far away from the castle where the other men made of meat and bone live?"

The Princess explained her mission -- to meet the Dragon, give his fingers kisses, and save the kingdom. The Water Warrior shook his head.

"The Dragon will burn you with his fiery breath," the Water Warrior said. "You must return home."

"I made it this far," the Princess said. "All I have to do now is climb the mountain, go up through the clouds, and kiss the Dragon's fingers."

"Ha," the Water Warrior said. "You make it sound easy. You're foolish, but brave. I will accompany you on your quest as your bodyguard and if the Dragon should try to burn you with his fiery breath, I will use my water powers to put out the flame."

"Oh, thank you!" the Princess said.

Before departing on her journey, the Princess sat down and had a nice little picnic of bread, cheese and milk. She offered some of her provisions to the Water Warrior, but he laughed and shook his head.

"Those things are only for men of meat and bone!" the Water Warrior said.

After lunch, the Princess and the Water Warrior started the climb up the mountains. They were making quick time and decided they'd stop to rest once they reached the place where the clouds touched the trail. They were about halfway to their resting point when the mountains began to rumble and large rocks rolled down from above and rained down upon them.

"I will shield you!" the Water Warrior said, trying to block the Princess from danger. But, it was useless, and the rocks crashed right through his watery body.

Just when it looked like all was lost, a group of rocks nearby rolled together and rose up to form the outline of a man, who used his massive rock arms to bat the falling boulders away. The mountain stopped rumbling and the man made of rock turned to face the Water Warrior and the Princess.

"Run, little girl!" the Water Warrior said. "It's a Rock Warrior! You can't trust them!"

"But he saved my life," the Princess said.

"My rock troops attacked you because you have unlawfully entered our kingdom," the Rock Warrior said. "But I called off the attack because I saw you were just a little girl. What are

you doing so far from home?"

The Princess explained her mission to kiss the Dragon's fingers, and explained how the Water Warrior had helped her across the lake and vowed to protect her from the Dragon's fire.

"That is a more noble vow than I would have thought a Water Warrior would make," the Rock Warrior said. "All I've ever known Water Warriors to do is to erode my people and turn us into sand."

"Well, all you Rock Warriors ever do is keep us Water Warriors contained and tell us where to go and what to do," the Water Warrior said.

"I never thought of that," the Rock Warrior replied. "Princess, I must protest your plan to kiss the Dragon's fingers. Even if the Water Warrior douses his flame, he will cut you up into little ribbons with his claws -- razor sharp claws on the very fingers you intend to kiss."

"Never the less," the Princess said, "I must try. I can't stand to think of the Dragon all alone up there with no one to kiss his fingers. It's no wonder he throws tantrums."

"So be it," the Rock Warrior said. "I will join you on your quest, and if he tries to cut you with his claws I will break his claws with my rock hard skin."

Then the Rock Warrior knelt down and said, "Climb on my back, Princess, and I will carry you the rest of the way up the mountain."

So, the three travelers continued up the mountain until they reached the place where the clouds touched the trail. There they stopped, and the Princess got some more bread and cheese and milk out of her basket and made a nice little dinner.

"The Water Warrior does not eat," the Princess told the Rock Warrior. "But you must be famished after carrying me all this way."

"Oh, no," the Rock Warrior said. "This the Water Warrior and I have in common. We do not eat like men of meat and bone."

After the Princess was done eating, she had a little nap. The Rock Warrior and the Water Warrior got to talking, since neither of them had to sleep and there was nothing to do but sit there and watch the Princess.

"You know, Rock Warrior, I've been thinking," the Water Warrior said. "I think I like rocks the best when I flow by little smooth stones in a shallow brook. It makes me feel so nice I can't help but babble. I suppose rocks aren't all bad."

"I was thinking also," said the Rock Warrior. "And I suppose water isn't so bad either. Why, I once had a nasty bump on my elbow and after just a few thousand years of erosion, it smoothed right out."

After the Princess awoke, the three travelers continued on the trail into the clouds. They climbed and climbed and couldn't tell how close they were to the top of the mountain because of the white fog all around them. Soon the fog began to turn gray, and eventually thunder and lightning clapped and the wind began to howl fiercely. The three companions tried to brave it, leaning against the wind with their arms covering their faces, but each gust was more blustery than the last and threatened to blow them right off the side of the mountain.

"We better wait for the storm to die down," the Rock Warrior said.

But, no sooner had he said that, than a giant gust came along and blew the Princess right off the trail and into the air. The Rock Warrior and the Water Warrior gasped and watched helplessly as the wind tossed the Princess about, certain they'd see her crash to the ground below. Before that could happen, a cloud that was whiter than the other gray ones, appeared seemingly out of nowhere, and acted as a cushion, gently catching the Princess and lifting her up out of the storm. As the wind and thunder and lightning died down, the Rock Warrior and the Water Warrior raced up the trail to find where the white cloud had taken the Princess.

They came upon the Princess at the top of the mountain, where a man made of clouds stood talking to her.

"Get back!" the Rock Warrior warned. "It's a Cloud Warrior!"

"They're the worst!" the Water Warrior said. "Much worse than Rock Warriors!"

"Yes," the Rock Warrior agreed. "And, much worse than Water Warriors!"

"I would have commanded my troops to cast all of you down to the ground below," the Cloud Warrior said. "But, I saw that it was just a little girl, very far from home, and I called my Cloud Warriors off. Now, girl, what were you telling me before? You want to kiss the Dragon's fingers?"

"That's right," the Princess said. "Then, he will get a good night's sleep, and he will be less lonely, and he will stop attacking the kingdom."

"Admirable goal," the Cloud Warrior said. "But dreadfully naive. Do you know how many would be heroes I've seen the Dragon grab in his claws, fly up into the sky with his mighty wings, and then drop from a great height? Even if this Water Warrior can douse his flame and this Rock Warrior can break his claws, you won't stand a chance."

"Still," the Princess said. "I must try. I feel so guilty, getting kisses on each of my fingers every night before I go to bed. Why should I get all the finger kisses? Dragons need finger kisses, too."

"Well, if you're so convinced, then there's nothing I can do to stop you," the Cloud Warrior said. "I don't have to stand by and watch you get killed, though. I will go with you, and if the Dragon tries to drop you from a great height, then I will catch you like a cushion and float you safely to the ground. Just one thing."

"Yes?" the Princess asked.

"Do those two guys have to come along?" the Cloud Warrior asked, pointing at the Rock Warrior and the Water Warrior.

"Why not?" the Princess said. "They're my friends."

"Well, for one thing, the Rock Warriors make caves deep in the Earth where air can't even go. That's not fair," the Cloud Warrior said. "For another, Water Warriors evaporate up into the clouds and make us so full we eventually burst. It hurts."

"Yeah, well, you're no prize," the Rock Warrior said, "Cloud Warriors blow Water Warriors all about, don't they?"

"Yes," the Water Warrior said. "And Cloud Warriors do their fair share of eroding away at the Rock Warriors, too, don't they?"

"They most certainly do," the Rock Warrior said.

"Rock Warrior," the Princess scolded. "I'm surprised at you. Why, didn't you just say that a couple thousand years of erosion got rid of a nasty bump on your elbow?"

"I guess so," the Rock Warrior said. "I thought you were sleeping."

"I had a fitful nap due to a lack of finger kisses," the Princess said. "Which reminds me -- I think it's time to go meet the dragon if you three please."

So, the four travelers continued down the trail at the top of the mountain until they reached the mouth of the dragon's cave.

"Let's rest here before going in," the Princess said. "It might be my last chance and I want to be as alert as possible when I meet the Dragon. Cloud Warrior, do you want any bread or cheese or milk? I know the Rock Warrior and the Water Warrior do not eat, but I thought I'd offer just in case."

"Oh, no," the Cloud Warrior said. "I don't eat either."

While the Princess tried to nap despite her lack of royal finger kisses, the three warriors got to talking.

"I have to confess," the Cloud Warrior said, "I wasn't totally fair back there. We actually enjoy soaking up the evaporating water and then letting it go again as rain. It's refreshing."

"I wasn't fair either," the Water Warrior said. "It is fun to fly up through the sky and then back down again."

When the Princess woke up, the four travelers walked into the cave, followed winding trails through the darkness and finally came to a door overlooking the Dragon's den. It was a massive room piled high with all kinds of treasure including gold, trinkets and jewels. On top of the pile of treasure, the Dragon sat, tossing and turning fitfully.

"Wish me luck," the Princess said.

"Wait," the Water Warrior said. "Are you sure you want to go through with this?"

"We wouldn't blame you if you backed out," the Rock Warrior said.

"No one in the kingdom would be any worse off than they are now," the Cloud Warrior said.

"I have to do it," the Princess said. "The Dragon deserves love, just like me."

As soon as the Dragon spotted the Princess coming towards him, he got up off of his pile of treasure and lumbered down to meet her. He was a massive lizard like creature with a long snaky neck, two massive feet with sharp claws, and two tiny arms with even sharper claws. He had big leathery wings folded behind him, lethal looking spines running down his back, and red eyes.

"Who dares come for my treasure?" the Dragon said. "More fools who wish to be destroyed? The only thing I have in the entire world, the only thing I can call my own, and you want to take it from me?"

"No, you misunderstand," the Princess said. "I have heard of your troubles. You are lonely and angry and you can't sleep at night. You have heard I get kisses on my fingers and night to put me to sleep and you wonder why you don't get to have kisses. That is why I'm here -- to give you the finger kisses you deserve."

"I don't need your charity," the Dragon said. "I don't need your pity. And I won't fall for your tricks. Sure as I allow you to come close to kiss my fingers, your companions will steal my treasure and I will have nothing."

With that, the Dragon opened his massive jaws, displaying his shining sharp teeth and forked tongue, and unleashed a hot blast of fire. The flames bellowed right towards the Princess, but before she could even scream, the Water Warrior threw himself in the way, dousing the flames. The Water Warrior landed in a puddle on the floor, losing his human shape.

"Thank you, Water Warrior," the Princess said.

"Anything to protect you, little girl," the Water Warrior said. "Only now I fear I'm evaporating away."

And with that, the Water Warrior was no more.

"No matter," the Dragon said, swiping towards the Princess with his massive claws. The Rock Warrior jumped into action, blocking the mighty blow and protecting the princess.

"Thank you, Rock Warrior," the Princess said as the Dragon reeled from the surprise interference.

"You're welcome, little girl," the Rock Warrior said. "But I can feel myself crumbling from the attack."

And with that, the Rock Warrior broke into several pieces, falling to the floor dead.

"Now," the Dragon said, "I will grab you up in my clutches and fly you into the sky where I will drop you from a great height."

He grabbed the Princess and flew high into the air, flapping his mighty wings and laughing maniacally.

"I like to watch you puny people fall," the Dragon said, dropping the Princess.

Before she hit the ground, the Princess landed on the Cloud Warrior, who had formed himself into a nice cushion so he could lower her to the ground gently and safely.

"Thank you, Cloud Warrior," the Princess said.

"Don't thank me yet," the Cloud Warrior said. "All might be lost. The Water Warrior and the Rock Warrior are both gone. You are still vulnerable. The Dragon won't listen to reason. Look, he's about to go on another rampage. I must summon all of my power to knock him out of the sky."

"Don't hurt him!" the Princess screamed as the Cloud Warrior transformed himself into a tornado and blasted across the sky. He rammed into the Dragon, knocking him out of the air. The Dragon crashed on his pile of treasure and rolled to the cave floor, stunned. The Princess looked up in the sky but could find no sign of the Cloud Warrior.

The Princess looked around her. The Dragon was laying on the ground, writhing in agony. There was a wet stain on the cave floor where the Water Warrior had perished. A pile of rocks was all that was left of the Rock Warrior. The air was still as the Cloud Warrior seemed to have been vanquished as well.

The Princess sat on a rock at the mouth of the cave and looked out over the kingdom as the sun set. She could see the castle, far, far away. She thought about her father, the King, and how he was probably pacing around the Castle grounds, worried about her. And, he had been right. Although it had been a great adventure, the Dragon was still not happy, and her new friends were gone forever. The Princess started to cry.

The Dragon heard her crying and sat up to look at her.

"Don't cry, little girl," he said. "Look, you've vanquished me. That means you get to have my treasure. It's all I have, but those are the rules. Anyone who vanquishes me gets to have my treasure."

"I don't want your treasure," the Princess said through her sobs.

"Surely you want my gold and jewels and trinkets. Who wouldn't?" the Dragon said.

"I don't want any of it," the Princess said, tears dropping from her eyes.

"Then why would you come all the way up here?" the Dragon asked.

"I already told you," the Princess said. "All I wanted to do was give you some kisses on your fingers. I thought it would put you to sleep, and that would make you happy, and you'd stop attacking everyone in the kingdom."

The Dragon realized his terrible mistake.

"You mean, you were telling the truth?" the Dragon asked. "But why would you want to kiss my fingers? I'm a dragon!"

"Because," the Princess said. "It's not fair that I have a daddy to kiss my fingers at night and you don't have anyone to kiss yours. I wanted to help you."

The Dragon didn't know what to do. It had never occurred to him that someone might want to help him. Then he remembered something.

"You're also entitled to a wish!" the Dragon said. "If you don't want the treasure, I can grant you a wish."

"I don't want the treasure," the Princess said. "And I don't want a wish. I just want my friends back. I was foolish to lead them into danger."

"Ah, but you see, you just made a wish," the Dragon said. "Whether you wanted to or not. And, I hereby grant it."

With that, the Dragon blinked his red eyes, and with a flash of light the Water Warrior, Rock Warrior and Cloud Warrior suddenly stood before the Princess unharmed.

"You're alive!" she said running to them. They all hugged.

"Ah, it must be nice to have friends," the Dragon said, watching them.

"Thank you, Dragon!" the Princess said. She broke free from the hug and ran straight for the Dragon without hesitation. She wrapped her arms around one of his giant fingers and gave it a big kiss.

"You don't think you could kiss my other fingers, could you?" the Dragon asked.

"Of course I will!" the Princess said, and she kissed each one.

"It feels so nice to be loved!" the Dragon said. And with that, he passed out and took a nap.

"I should rest, too, before I journey all the way home," the Princess said.

While the Princess and the Dragon slept, the three warriors got to talking. The Rock Warrior and the Cloud Warrior filled the Water Warrior in on what happened after he evaporated.

"Good job, guys," the Water Warrior said. "We all made good on our vows, no matter the cost."

"And now, I make a new vow," the Rock Warrior said. "That all Rock Warriors, Cloud Warriors and Water Warriors should be friends, just like the three of us are."

"I second that vow," the Cloud Warrior said.

"Here, here," the Water Warrior agreed.

When the Princess and the Dragon awoke, the Dragon said, "Now, little girl. You have to get home, and I will fly you there. Climb on my back and hold onto one of my plates, and I will take you back to the land of men of meat and bones."

"Thank you," the Princess said. "But first, I must eat breakfast. I have a little bread and cheese and milk left. None of these guys eat. I don't suppose you want any, Dragon?"

"Why, yes I do, thank you," the Dragon said. And they both sat down and had a nice little picnic.

When they were full, the Princess climbed on the Dragon.

"I guess this is goodbye," the Water Warrior said.

"Nonsense," the Princess said. "My father will want to meet the three warriors who kept me safe on this adventure and saved my life multiple times. Climb aboard!"

"Yes," the Dragon said. "And I will fly each of you home later."

So, the Warriors climbed on board, and the four travelers rode on the Dragon's back as he flew through the clouds, down the mountain, across the lake and right over the castle wall, where he landed in the courtyard. Several of the King's warriors raised their spears and bows and arrows and approached the Dragon carefully.

"What is the meaning of this?" the King asked, coming out of the castle in his suit of royal armor, brandishing his family's sword.

"Don't attack!" the Princess cried out, climbing down from the Dragon. "He's my friend. For you see, I have kissed his fingers and he is no longer lonely or angry."

"My little girl!" the King cried in delight, dropping his sword and running to hug the Princess. "I thought I had lost you forever."

"No, father," the Princess said. "These three warriors protected me."

She pointed to the Water Warrior, the Rock Warrior and the Cloud Warrior who each dismounted the dragon and bowed humbly before the king.

"She's a princess?" the Cloud Warrior asked the other two.

"Why didn't you tell us?" the Rock Warrior asked the Water Warrior.

"I didn't know she was a princess!" the Water Warrior said.

"Rock, Water and Cloud -- working together to help my daughter, a little girl of the flesh. And together, all of you have spared the kingdom from the evil temper of this Dragon," the King said.

"And I promise to be good from now on," the Dragon said.

"Amazing," the King said. "From henceforth I hereby appoint you three warriors ambassadors between the land of men and your respective tribes.

And so, the three warriors returned to their homes, where they were hailed as heroes and looked upon as leaders in a new era of peace. The Dragon shared all of his riches with the people of the land and left his den to live in the castle courtyard. The King continued to kiss the Princess' fingers each night before she went to sleep, but not until after she had made sure to kiss the Dragon's fingers first.

The End