Horrorfest 2015: Cravenfest - The Hills Have Eyes Part II

We’re going to jump out of chronological order (again) here to go back to 1985 real quick for THE HILLS HAVE EYES PART II, which sucks.

Real quick: It's the tale of another bus-full of cannibal fodder who breaks down in the middle of the desert and is attacked by Michael Berryman (who I guess lived through the other movie) and the rest of his crazy family. The only difference is this time the bus-full of cannibal fodder knew they were in a desert full of cannibals and went ahead and stopped there, anyway.

This time around our main characters include the cannibal sister from the first film (Janus Blythe) who has reformed and is now leading a group of young motorbike enthusiasts into the desert to get to a motorbike race. The dude who survived the first movie (Robert Houston) has invented some kind of super motorbike fuel and everyone wants to try it out. But Houston's like, "Desert? Cannibals? Fuck that shit," and immediately drops out of the film.

Well, not immediately. First he's the source of a shitload of flashbacks. I didn't do any scientific studies or anything but I'd guess roughly 15 of the first 30 minutes of this film are flashbacks. After Houston's done with his flashbacks, Blythe has some and just when you think you're done with recycled footage, everyone's favorite dog, Beast, shows up and starts flashing back.

There's some other stuff dealing with a blind psychic (Tamara Stafford) who I couldn't tell was blind until like halfway through the movie. But it doesn't really matter, basically there's a bunch of flashbacks, then some violence, then it's over.

Jees, Wes, even your TV movies were better than this shit. Except CHILLER. Nothing is worse than CHILLER.

Horrorfest 2015: Cravenfest - My Soul to Take

Craven goes back to basics for 2010's MY SOUL TO TAKE. That's not to say it's indie by any means – it is definitely a slick studio production. But, it relies mostly on unknown kids as the stars and takes place in a small town with very little in the way of special effects.

The movie wastes no time getting started, with a gruesome murder scene in which a schizophrenic family man (Raul Esparza) who has been killing people around town without his own knowledge ends up murdering his own pregnant wife (Alexandra Wilson), in front of his daughter. He's rendered unconscious by intervening police, but revives on his way to the hospital, attacks the ambulance crew and disappears into the woods.

16 years later, the incident has gone down in legend, and a story has developed around the town that the 7 kids born that fateful night each got a part of the killer's soul, and they ritualistically "kill" an effigy of the killer each year to keep his spirit at bay.

The kids include our main character and hero (Max Thieriot) and his best buddy (John Magaro) who start to wonder if the killer is back when the other members of the 7 start turning up dead. Either the killer's back, they theorize, or someone they know is doing the killing. Either way, not good.

Anyway, while it's a valiant effort, the movie is kind of all over the place. I like all the stuff with the kids and their various relationships with each other, it all comes off pretty well. But, the murder plot doesn't quite seem to click. The mythology around it is a little fuzzy and for most of the movie I wasn't quite clear what Craven might be getting at, if anything.

The friendship between the two male leads in particular is very well played, emotional and interesting, deeper than a relationship between two young dudes is usually allowed to be in what basically amounts to a slasher movie.

Horrorfest 2015: Cravenfest - Cursed

Jumping ahead a little, we have 2005's CURSED, a werewolf flick written by Kevin Williamson. This marks a non-SCREAM-related team up between Craven and Williamson that I didn't previously realize existed. So, when I saw that credit pop up on the screen, I was briefly optimistic.

On top of that, the movie stars the always-great Christine Ricci and a young(er than usual) Jesse Eisenberg. Plus, Joshua Jackson (Pacey Fucking Witter) and Judy Greer are in the movie! Should be great, right?

Wrong. It is hard to put my finger on what is wrong with CURSED, but it helped after the movie was over when I read about it's production and found out that the movie was put on hold halfway through shooting so the script could be rewritten, resulting in extensive recasting, restructuring and studio meddling. So while it's hard to articulate exactly what is wrong with the movie, it is clear that this tampering is the culprit.

Anyway, Ricci and Eisenberg star as brother and sister who witness a werewolf attack on a hapless victim (Shannon Elizabeth) and get infected with werewolf-ness themselves in the process. Ricci's in an uncertain romance with Jackson and is having trouble at work with competitive Greer.

There's a lot of stuff about who's the werewolf but the movie seems disjointed, confusing and all over the place. It is at least smart enough to be funny, and the cast is super appealing, so it's not a total loss, but the combination of a confused script and special effects that seem to be after-thoughts make it something you could probably miss and not, you know, miss.

Horrorfest 2015: Cravenfest - Vampire in Brooklyn

Back to the big screen for 1995's VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN, a horror comedy starring none other than Eddie Murphy. Sounds good on paper, right? Doesn't quite work on the big screen.

It's the usual vampire story – suave vampire tries to seduce descendant of long lost ancient love, this time in modern day Brooklyn. In an awkward bit of miscasting, Murphy actually plays the suave vampire. Angela Bassett is on hand as the love interest, a tough cop who is recovering from the death of her mentally ill mother.

First thing's first: upon arriving in Brooklyn from his Caribbean home on a derelict ship, Murphy recruits his "ghoul" helper, a hapless small-time crook and dock-worker (Kadeem Hardison) and moves into his cranky uncle's (John Witherspoon) tenement building.

Meanwhile, Bassett investigates the bodies that start piling up upon the vampire's arrival, along with her handsome partner (Allen Payne). The two of them have a shy, budding romance that neither of them wants to admit in the face of professionalism and tough-guy-ness.

Like DEADLY FRIEND before it, VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN's greatest weakness is its tone. There are some legitimately funny moments, but there is far too much time wasted on dramatic scenes between Murphy and Bassett. The two have good chemistry, but it's hard to take Murphy seriously as a vampire, especially when you WANT him to cut loose and be funny. Why couldn't he have been a funny vampire? How come suave guys have to be boring?

There are two scenes where Murphy is allowed to work out, bu they're painfully unfunny. He appears in multiple roles as a drunken preacher and an Italian mobster, but both scenes outstay their welcome and squander any laughs they might have had.

The real shining stars here are Kadeem Hardison and John Witherspoon as Murphy's hapless helpers. Earlier in his career, Murphy might have been content with the Hardison role, which has all the best lines and comedic moments. Hardison and Witherspoon have great chemistry together, as well. The movie ends with the two of them riffing off of each other as Hardison inherits Murphy's vampire powers and it left me wishing the whole movie had been about these two and left Murphy on the cutting room floor.

Horrorfest 2015: Cravenfest - Nightmare Cafe: Aliens ate my Lunch

In the mid-90s Craven developed a television anthology series starring Robert "Freddy Krueger" Englund called NIGHTMARE CAFÉ. It only lasted 6 episodes, and Craven directed the last one, ALIENS ATE MY LUNCH, that we'll be talking about today.

The premise of the series is kinda interesting but way over-explained. Robert Englund stars as Blackie, some kind of shape-shifting super natural being that runs Nightmare Café, where the only 2 employees (Jack Coleman and Lindsay Frost) are some form of undead ghosts doomed to work there for eternity. The Café itself (kind of a retro greasy-spoon diner) is able to hop from location to location, and each week our characters get involved with some other story. So it's like the Twilight Zone, but with recurring characters.

ALIENS ATE MY LUNCH is a simple tale about a tabloid writer (Bobby Slayton) who stages an alien invasion in a Midwestern cow town in order to have something to report on. In the mean time, however, real aliens have invaded and wacky hijinks ensue.

The real aliens are disguised as a trio of eastern European dwarf circus performers (Arturo Gil, Jimmy Briscoe and Kevin Thompson) who Slayton picks up as hitchhikers on his road trip and enlists in his scam. The local sheriff (Don S. Davis) doesn't take kindly to strangers, especially if they're stealing cows or from space (or both).

Englund gets most of the best lines and moments here, which makes sense, since the show is basically a showcase for him to do his thing without having to wear a pound of makeup and a pointy glove. Also, the fact that he's able to jump into different personas allows him to flex his acting chops a little more than just the cackling one liners of Krueger fame, so that's fun to watch. Unfortunately, he has a little too much narration (not his fault). Imagine if Rod Serling jumped in every two seconds to continue narrating every TWILIGHT ZONE episode. Even too much Rod Serling is too much for me, and he rules.

One funny thing – at the beginning of the show, I was starting to question the premise. I mean, imagine a diner suddenly shows up in your small town. I was wondering, what, it's magic, so the people don't notice it came out of nowhere? I figured that was a major gimmie I was going to have to hand to Craven in order to buy his premise.

But I was wrong! There's a whole scene devoted to the sheriff questioning where the diner came from, if they have all the appropriate paperwork and permits, etc. So, good on ya, Craven. Ya got me!

In the end the series would have probably been better as a straight up anthology. The framing device is too integrated into the story, but not enough of a story on its own to warrant the time it takes up. Englund could have probably hosted, or guest starred in each episode as a different character, and they could have ditched the two diner workers and gone from there.

Oh well, at least it was less than an hour long.

Horrorfest 2015: Cravenfest - The People Under the Stairs

THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS is another good one – in the late 80s, early 90s, Craven seems to have hit his post NIGHTMARE stride. Movies like DEADLY FRIEND, SHOCKER and now THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS showcase the one thing that sets Craven apart from some of his horror contemporaries, and that is his unbridled imagination. One half hour of even the worst Craven flick has more cool ideas in it than the entire FRIDAY THE 13th franchise put together.

So, THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS stars young Brandon Adams as a 13-year-old living in a low income neighborhood of Los Angeles. His family is being evicted, so he teams up with a family friend (Ving Rhames) to rob the landlord's house, which is rumored to be full of gold.

Turns out they decided to rob the wrong house! The landlord (Everett McGill) and his sister (Wendy Robie) are sadistic weirdo cannibals who kidnap children and keep the ones who break their rules in a cage in the basement, where they wait until it's time for them to be eaten. One girl (A.J. Langer) has successfully avoided the basement cage by following the rules as best she can, though she's still abused. There's also a kid who lives in the walls.

The house is a great setting – once again, a strength of Craven's – with lots of secret passageways, trap doors, tunnels, etc. Most of the movie takes place within the cavernous confines of the ex-funeral home, with our young hero evading capture and fighting back against his sadistic captors.

There are also some social undertones here, dealing with the black inner-city kid fighting back against the rich white folks. Even without that, it's just nice to have a little diversity here – it's an imaginative idea, yes, but is taken to even more interesting heights with an unexpected and wide variety among its cast of characters.

Horrorfest 2015: Cravenfest - Shocker

Time for another big(ger) budget stab at mainstream Hollywood success, this time with 1989's SHOCKER. This movie's box art is iconic – a man getting fried in the electric chair. I remember it vividly from wandering the aisles of the video store when I was a kid. So, I was excited to give it a look.

I was not disappointed. SHOCKER is awesome. Don't get me wrong: it makes almost no sense at all. But it's great. It's biggest issues are it seems to be built out of disparate elements – there's a guy who sees the future in his dreams, a ghost and a villain with electrical powers who can not only jump from person to person and possess them, but also travel through televisions. Oh and there's a good hair metal score, too.

Got all that?

SHOCKER stars Peter Berg as a college football jock whose foster father (Michael Murphy) is tracking a prolific and particularly gruesome serial killer (Mitch Pileggi). Berg begins to see the crimes in his nightmares before they occur, and helps his father capture the killer – but not before the killer does away with Berg's family and his girlfriend (Camille Cooper).

On death row, Pileggi completes some kind of weird electrical/satanic/television-oriented ritual in his cell and manages to "survive" electrocution on the electric chair in a weird electrical form that allows him to jump from person to person in order to escape and continue his killing spree.

So, it's Berg against Pileggi, with Berg's football buddies (Sam Scarber, Richard Brooks and Ted Raimi) teaming up to help, along with the ghost of his dead girlfriend. This leads to a climax in which Berg follows Pileggi from one TV to another, jumping into and out of different shows. It makes no sense.

But, it's awesome! The movie is funny and action packed, and slickly put together. The special effects are pretty sweet for 1989 and even though the movie has basically no logic, it is intoxicating how the screenplay just keeps jumping from one damn thing to another. You can never really guess what's coming next.