The James Bond / Indiana Jones Guide to Relationships

Some relationships are like James Bond movies. Others are like Indiana Jones movies. I like the ones that are like Indiana Jones movies.

See, James Bond movies start out really strong. Each one starts with a fast paced, mind-blowing action sequence. Then, it's followed by an equally awesome opening titles sequence usually accompanied by a sweet song. After that, the movie calms down, the plot starts, and it never regains its footing. That's the problem with James Bond movies -- the best part is the first ten minutes, then it all goes downhill and can't recover. How can you beat the first ten minutes?

Indiana Jones movies may not have mind blowing opening credits or sweet songs, but they do open with a killer action sequence -- and then the best part: you get additional consistent thrills roughly once every ten minutes or so. Every time you turn around, there's a new, exciting action sequence. An Indiana Jones movie is the first ten minutes of a James Bond movie repeated 12 times in a row. This is especially true of the first two, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK and INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM. Or, as I like to call it, INDIANA JONES AND ONE DAMN THING AFTER ANOTHER.

Maybe I should just date Indiana Jones.

Everything you always wanted to know about my neighbors having sex but were afraid to ask

Around 1:00 this afternoon I found out that my new neighbors aren't very good at having sex. They got it all backwards. It only lasted a few seconds, and the dude was really loud. Everyone knows it should last forever and the woman should be loud, not the dude. At least, if you want me to enjoy listening to it. Which, you might as well, since I can hear it anyway.

My old neighbors were better at sex. They were also funny. One time after they were done, the dude mumbled something I couldn't understand and the girl replied, "No, really, it was good, seriously." So I'm thinking maybe I enjoyed it more than her.

Eventually their "good" sex turned into really good fights. One time the girl yelled at the guy, "Well, at least I didn't fuck some fat bitch from Walla Walla."

Then the quality of the fights deteriorated and it just became the dude threatening to leave and the girl begging him to stay. They'd do this for a couple hours, then get in bed. The dude would then attempt to initiate some love making, and the girl would say she wasn't in the mood, she had to get up early the next day. Then, they'd argue about this until they fell asleep.

Finally I came home one day and the apartment was empty and they were gone. Now, I have these new neighbors who never fight and don't know how to have sex so I can fully enjoy it.

Although now that I think about it, it is kind of funny how loud the dude was. So they're not totally worthless.

Take it with a grain of Splenda

I saw a packet of Splenda today.

It said, "Tear slowly. Sweetness in progress," on it.

At first I thought "tear" meant "tear" like the watery droplets that come out of your eyes.

Then I realized it meant "tear" like when you tear something in half.

It was telling me to tear the packet open slowly.

Still, sometimes, when sweetness is in progress, I do tear slowly.

Levi and Paul's Honorable Shit List of Power

In what now seems like a bitchy move, my friend Levi and I started a shit list when we were in high school. It wasn't just a shit list that existed in our heads like everyone else's shit list. It was on a piece of notebook paper. We wrote down the names of people who had wronged or offended us, then I folded the list up and carried it with me in my wallet, where it could be easily referenced and added to as needed. As people got back on our good side, we'd cross them out. If they pissed us off again, we'd reinstate them.

As far as I can tell from re-reading the list, it appears to have been started after I made out with a chick, then told all my friends about it. They told all their friends about it, and it got back to the chick, and she got mad at me. So, I put my friends on the shit list, because clearly it was their fault and not mine. It grew from there, and somehow Levi got involved. I'm guessing it was our mutual love for lording things over other people that brought us together in this endeavor. Meanwhile, I was able to sweet talk the chick in question out of being mad at me and we went back to making out.

To be fair, even at that age, it was mostly tongue in cheek. Aside from getting laughs, the Shit List's other greatest use was simply to annoy people. I'd say the majority of the people on the list had no idea the list existed, so they weren't the primary targets. There were only a couple people who were close enough friends with us to know we even had a list, so, somewhat ironically, even though they were our best friends, they became the most fun to take on and off the list, because then you could pull the list out right in front of them and look at them disapprovingly while you worked on it.

The Shit List had its heaviest use Freshman year, but we also used to add to it Sophomore year as well. After that it just hung out in my wallet and didn't really see much use, aside from the occasional trip down memory lane. Eventually I stopped using that wallet and the mostly useless contents of it migrated to the top drawer of my dresser, where everything small enough to fit in my pocket eventually goes to die.

In its old age, the Shit List is tattered and worn, especially from being folded and unfolded so many times. The edges have worn away, and the bottom right 25% of it has fallen off, with only half of that preserved and the other half lost to the ages. Every line is filled with names and infractions, and due to lack of space, the margins are filled with names and infractions, as well, with arrows pointing from one name to another, names crossed out, circled, re-circled. I pulled it out of my drawer earlier tonight and cringed as I read the sometimes awful but usually just petty things I had written. Some are funny, though, at least. And now, you get to read it, too!

I'm not going to include the names of the accused, because half of them were eventually exonerated and the other half are people who I don't even remember. But, I will list the infractions. To give an example of how it would work with a name, let's say Jay Leno was on the Shit List. It would look like this:

Jay Leno -- for being the biggest douche known to mankind

or

Nia Vardalos -- face makes me want to punch

Okay, here we go, with occasional parenthetical notes:

Levi and Paul's Honorable Shit List of Power:

-- for having a big mouth
-- for a shitty hair cut
-- for splashing a disk (remember disks?)
-- for poking Levi with a probe (this was in science class, so it was an actual probe)
-- for drawing on me
-- for having a sinister urge (this was for a dude caught jerking off in the gym)
-- gay hating Nazi
-- mad at Rob
-- colored on Rob
-- abuse of Jennifer's house and remote
-- stealing notes and distributing
-- TP'd Dan's truck
-- likes Rush Limbaugh
-- sucks at baseball
-- because
-- copycat!
-- I hate them
-- burnt Kaitlyn
-- for being disgusting
-- talking with mouth full
-- not finishing game of Life
-- doesn't like Matt
-- dissing on me
-- thinks he's my friend
-- asks me for money
-- she wears dumb shirts
-- sucky
-- saying Jenny's hair looks shitty
-- scratched me today
-- made faces at me
-- scrunchie bitch (remember scrunchies?)
-- dimples
-- annoying freshman
-- loose (gross)
-- inane sentences
-- too many infractions to list
-- damned
-- generally Shit Listy
-- hated by all
-- ugly
-- stuck up
-- hates me

Anyway, that's enough for now. A nice sampling. Typing it out was getting a little depressing.

One funny thing: one of the names listed is "The Entire Cheerleading Team." Reason? "Because they're them." But, after that, there's a big list of all the girls on the cheerleading team who are NOT included. So if you were on the cheerleading team, don't feel too bad, chances are you're one of the ones I liked.

Also, in the missing part of the list, one guy is listed followed by the reason "wears karate. . ." and then it gets cut off. But I can only imagine he must have worn a karate outfit to school. So, that one seems justified.

Finally, there are three entries in the middle of the list that are scratched out with the notation, "Impostor Entries." They're scratched out so well, I can't tell what they said. Now I wonder who wrote them and under what circumstances.

Anyway, I guess I'm lucky the Shit List never fell into the wrong clutches. No teacher ever siezed it and took it seriously, which is good, since several of the entries are for teachers. You know, if you want to stay out of trouble, it's probably best not to make a written record of people's first names and last names and why you dislike them.

If you ever do, don't post it on the internet.

Fun With Google Analytics

One of the most fun things about Google Analytics is that it allows you to track what search terms people use to stumble upon your blog.

Here's the top 4 most searched terms that lead to my blog. A nice side effect of writing this entry is that it will now yield even more search results. Sweet.

4.) Variations of "my dream of doing nothing"

Makes sense, since the name of the blog is "Me and My Dream of Doing Nothing." This is a quote taken from "Office Space" in which Peter Gibbons tells the guys, "This isn't just about me and my dream of doing nothing." Though I'm also fond of the part where he goes, "I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be." Apparently other people are fond of this quote as well, because they seem to look it up on Google a lot.

3.) Searches referring to Ramona, Beverly Cleary, Henry Huggins, etc.

I wrote a blog entry about my neighborhood and how it's the same neighborhood childrens' author Beverly Cleary lived in for a while, and how her Ramona and Henry Huggins books are set here, using street names and other landmarks in the books. It's only one entry, though, so for whatever reason people seem to search for Beverly Cleary related things a lot. I guess it will get even more popular as the "Ramona and Beezus" movie prepares to come out.

2.) Emma Nelson smoking weed

One of my personal favorites -- I wrote a blow by blow commentary on the recent episode of "Degrassi: The Next Generation" in which main character Emma "Blaze" Nelson smokes weed. This one's actually kind of revealing, because among the various searches for various Degrassi-related items are some disturbing attempts to find "Emma Nelson porn" which I hope doesn't exist.

And finally, the number one most searched term. . .

1.) Variations on "Dead crows"

This was what made me want to write this entry in the first place. Back when I first started looking at Google Analytics, I was blown away by the large number of people searching for things related to dead crows on the internet. As I've continued to gather data, requests for info on dead crows keep on coming in. I wrote an entry where I discussed the various dead crows I had come across on my afternoon walks, and how I began to wonder if they "meant" anything, only to search the internet myself and find that they don't mean anything at all, even to people who believe in things. But check out these searches:

"What does dead crows mean?"
"What does a dead crow mean?"
"What do dead crows in dreams mean?"
"Use of dead crow in magic."
"Dreams dead crows meaning."
"Dreaming about dead crows."
"Dream three dead crows."
"Dream of dead crow."
"Dead crow in dreams."
"What does a dead crow symbolize?"

Weird, huh? Who would have thought so many people are out there wondering about dead crows.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Since it's funny, I should mention one of the runners up is variations on the term "fake girlfriend." I wrote an entry a while back about how I decided to make up a fake girlfriend and tell all my co-workers about her in order to keep myself entertained, and then went on to describe how it was hard work and how I immediately ruined my own plans by admitting I was lying out of laziness. Anyway, thanks to this entry, I now get visitors looking for "Asian fake girlfriend" and "Lying about fake girlfriend" not to mention the intriguing "Fake dreams to tell girlfriend."

I can't tell you why we're friends.

I was walking to meet a friend from high school the other day, and on my walk I was thinking up things to talk about. It's not that we don't have anything to talk about, but I was still thinking, anyway, and I decided I'd ask her why we're still friends.

The reason I decided this was because she doesn't really seem to be friends with anyone else from high school, at least, not very close friends, anyway. I don't consider myself the most friendly person in the world and I've messed up enough relationships to know I'm not the easiest person to put up with, and the girl in question is fairly sensitive and not really one to put up with other people's bullshit. So, I wondered, of all the people to still be friends with from high school, why me?

Anyway, we talked about it, and as her face changed across the table I could tell maybe it wasn't the best topic of conversation, but we went over it anyway.

That's not the interesting part.

A week or two later, we were hanging out again, and she said:

"I thought about that whole friendship conversation. And I figured out why we're really still friends. I mean, beyond the reasons we discussed before."

"What is it?" I asked, intrigued.

"I can't tell you," she said. "But, I figured it out."

This drives me crazy.

The Charming Fixtures Return

The good news: The Charming Fixtures is finally coming out with his first release since the critically acclaimed concept album "Claw Foot Bath Tub."

The bad news: It turns out "Moon Base Outpost 300" is not the sprawling double disc concept album we were promised. Instead it's an EP consisting of 6 tracks. Will the rest of "Moon Base Outpost 300" come out some day in its fully realized form, or is this it?




Track listing is as follows:

Moon Base Outpost 300

by The Charming Fixtures

1. The Ballad of Kent Basalton, Former Astronaut
2. Impossible Things of Venus
3. The Old Man and the Giant Squid of Europa the Size of the Ritz
4. Shot by Shot Remake of Jurassic Park
5. For the Girl Who Went Away and Then Came Back Again (With Wind and Rain)
6. Moon Base Outpost 300

(Owners of those unofficial demo bootlegs that went around a couple years ago will note that a lot of this is recycled from the early days. Oh, well.)

Top 10 Films of the Decade

I've been obsessively keeping lists of movies I've seen since 1997, and each year I do my best to narrow it down to a top 10, so it was fairly easy to put together a list of my favorites from the last decade. Then, I had to cut it down, and cut it down, and cut it down, and I eventually ended up with my 10 favorite for the decade. Unfortunately, if I put together another list next week it'd probably be different, and 10 years from now it will probably be different, too. But I guess that's part of what's fun about making lists.

Below I've listed my top 10 of the last decade, 2000-2009, in alphabetical order. You'll notice there aren't any movies for 2009 listed -- my top ten of 2009 was posted a few days ago, and I think they're too fresh for me to decide where they fall compared to movies I've had time to live with for several years. Maybe in a few years some selections from 2009 will appear on the list, but for now I decided not to worry about it.




THE DARK KNIGHT (Christopher Nolan, 2008)

As I noted last year, DARK KNIGHT pulled off several tricks, not least of which was making a comic book movie into a non-comic book movie. It was also able to be surprising and suspenseful, which rarely happens with an established franchise where the audience goes in already knowing everything about the characters and story involved. Christopher Nolan is a master of misdirection, and aside from the great ensemble cast, the other thing that really makes DARK KNIGHT work is that it's able to pull the rug out from under the audience on a consistent basis while still remaining a crowd pleaser.







HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH (John Cameron Mitchell, 2001)

This the alternatively comic and tragic tale of Hedwig, the victim of a botched sex change operation who escaped communist East Germany and rose to and fell from fame as the lead singer/songwriter of a U.S. rock band named after her "angry inch" -- all that's left of her manhood. The strength of the movie is that it's able to laugh at itself and take itself seriously at the same time, and it's a full portrait of a completely three dimensional character who we can sympathize and root for, but who is also allowed by the screenplay to be selfish and petty, which keeps her from being a total victim. And, the music is great. Aside from all her other problems, Hedwig is also convinced she will find her "other half" some day and be completed, both emotionally and physically. This view of love and relationships, that we were all originally "torn apart" at birth, and spend our lives trying to "force" ourselves back together, is both unique and seems to cut right to the way it feels when you're heartbroken or in love.

THE KING OF KONG: A FISTFUL OF QUARTERS (Seth Gordon, 2007)

The documentary that's too good to be true -- the tale of an underdog battling an arrogant douche bag for the top spot on the high score list for Donkey Kong, an arcade game no one else has cared about for a quarter of a century. The people in this documentary are characters that you'd be hard-pressed to make up -- not just super villain Billy Mitchell (the afore mentioned arrogant douche bag) and mild-mannered Steve Wiebe, but also the whole rogues gallery of misfits and weirdos that orbit around the retro gaming world. The documentary is so good, it's the kind of thing Hollywood would probably want to remake as a fictionalized story -- only, I don't think they could top it. The way it plays out, the filmmakers couldn't have helped to fall ass backwards into a better story with better characters.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING (Peter Jackson, 2001)

A lot of decade lists are listing the whole trilogy as one flick, but I'm not going to do that for two reasons: one, it's not one flick, it's three flicks. Two, I think FELLOWSHIP is clearly better than the other two. The whole thing is a monumental achievement, to be sure, adapating one of the most beloved (and complex, and wordy) fantasy novels of all time both faithfully and entertainingly, while also taking a unique stab at special effects. But, I think FELLOWSHIP works the best as a self contained film -- it has the clearest beginning, middle and end, and although it ends on a cliffhanger, it's an emotionally satisfying one. The image of Sam going out into the river to get Frodo, while the others escape, is one of the strongest in the series, as is Strider's last moment goodbye to Frodo, and two last stands: Gandalf's and Boromir's. The other movies were never able to top that drama, though I guess Helm's Deep in the second flick comes close. What a nerd I am.

ME AND YOU AND EVERYONE WE KNOW (Miranda July, 2005)

This is probably the most 2000-ish movie of this list, a melding of performance art, comedy and quietly insightful drama about the way technology in modern society effects human relationships. Well, it's kind of about that. It's also just kind of about human relationships, in general -- people who want love but aren't sure how to get it or give it. The ensemble cast is wide, ranging from senior citizens to small children, but it's not a sprawling, overbearing epic like, say, MAGNOLIA -- it's quiet, quirky, cute and honest. A little weird, but let's be honest, you're a little weird, too.

PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE (Paul Thomas Anderson, 2002)

Speaking of weird -- that's the common complaint lodged against this movie. It's weird, it doesn't make sense, what's the point, all that stuff. The stuff I usually hear when people don't like movies, if it's not, "The acting was bad" or "There was no plot," it's, "It was weird." Well, I like that it's weird. It's about a weird guy, played by Adam Sandler, who has been brow beaten by his sisters his entire life until he's left as a barely functioning social misfit. Granted, he's able to run his own business, but every other social interaction seems to be such a strain on poor Sandler that he's constantly on the verge of snapping over the simplest things, usually resulting in a sudden, disturbing bout of violence. When there's finally a glimpse at a potential romantic relationship in his life, things change for Sandler's character, and when he has to deal with a criminal plot that's spiraling out of control, he says the line that should be the answer when people ask what this movie is about:

"I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine."

THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS (Wes Anderson, 2001)

This is a great comedy. You can tell because you want to cry when it's over. Ebert always says he is more prone to cry in movies when something "good" happens than when something sad happens. I kind of agree, but I'd amend it a little to say I'm more prone to cry at a movie when the movie itself is "good" -- there's usually a moment in any great film where everything kind of clicks into place and you see what the director or writer or actors are getting at and you think, "Ah ha!" And that's where the tears come. Anyway, this is that kind of movie -- great ensemble cast, great screenplay, great art direction. Gene Hackman is irresistable as the estranged patriarch of a family of geniuses who have fallen on hard times. As he attempts to get back into their lives, and they all end up living under one roof again, a series of understated catharses play out until each character has finally grown up, in one way or another.

SUPERBAD (Greg Mottola, 2007)

Possibly the greatest teen comedy of all time, the first half hour or so of SUPERBAD plays like the writers and director looked into my brain to see what kind of movie I'd like to see, and then put it on the screen. It's kind of uncanny. After that, the plot starts to kick in and the movie kind of goes into auto-pilot, but it redeems itself in the end and overall still stands as one of my favorite movie-going experiences of the decade. On the surface it's the tale of Jonah Hill and Michael Cera attempting to lose their virginity by using their nerdy pal (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) with a fake ID to wow a party full of hot chicks with a grippe of booze. But, it's also about the relationship between the three dudes as they're getting ready to go to college and how one feels abandoned while the other feels a little oppressed. It's an honest look at the way these friendships sometimes develop, with one dominant personality taking advantage of the other, more passive personality, showing that this give and take can happen while the friendship is still genuine.

WONDER BOYS (Curtis Hanson, 2000)

I saw this movie at the perfect time in my life: I was on the verge of becoming a writing major in college, so a movie about a bunch of writing students and English professors was basically tailor made for me. It helps that it's also a great film -- funny and poignant, with a wonderful cast (Michael Douglas, Tobey Maguire, Robert Downey Jr, Frances McDormand and more). In fact, it is really time I watched this movie again -- for some reason it has eluded my DVD collection all this time, even though I saw it twice in one weekend when it hit theaters and several times on video and cable in the first part of the decade. Still, I can picture Michael Douglas wearing an old bath robe, going out onto the porch after a long night of partying to get the paper in the melting snow, and it makes me feel good.

THE WRESTLER (Darren Aronofsky, 2008)

I wrote a lot about this movie last year, so let me make it quick: this is a great character study of a broken man who gets a shot at a quiet bit of redemption, and how he totally blows it. Mickey Rourke's performance is what everyone talked about last year, and I'm no different -- he's a genius. But, the supporting actresses are great as well and spoken of a little less often, so lets give it up for Marisa Tomei and Evan Rachel Wood. Aronofsky hasn't made a bad film yet, and screenwriter Robert D. Siegel went on to pen the almost-as-great BIG FAN this year, so I'm sure we can expect more greatness from both of them, and hopefully from Rourke, as we move into the next decade.

Like I said, if I were to make this list from the ground up it might turn out another way, so here's a bunch of runners up, including selections from 2009:

THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN
ALMOST FAMOUS
ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY
BATMAN BEGINS
CHILDREN OF MEN
CLERKS II
ELF
FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL
GHOST WORLD
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
IRON MAN
KILL BILL VOL 1
THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU
SPIDER-MAN 2
STAR TREK
ADVENTURELAND