Levi and Paul's Honorable Shit List of Power

In what now seems like a bitchy move, my friend Levi and I started a shit list when we were in high school. It wasn't just a shit list that existed in our heads like everyone else's shit list. It was on a piece of notebook paper. We wrote down the names of people who had wronged or offended us, then I folded the list up and carried it with me in my wallet, where it could be easily referenced and added to as needed. As people got back on our good side, we'd cross them out. If they pissed us off again, we'd reinstate them.

As far as I can tell from re-reading the list, it appears to have been started after I made out with a chick, then told all my friends about it. They told all their friends about it, and it got back to the chick, and she got mad at me. So, I put my friends on the shit list, because clearly it was their fault and not mine. It grew from there, and somehow Levi got involved. I'm guessing it was our mutual love for lording things over other people that brought us together in this endeavor. Meanwhile, I was able to sweet talk the chick in question out of being mad at me and we went back to making out.

To be fair, even at that age, it was mostly tongue in cheek. Aside from getting laughs, the Shit List's other greatest use was simply to annoy people. I'd say the majority of the people on the list had no idea the list existed, so they weren't the primary targets. There were only a couple people who were close enough friends with us to know we even had a list, so, somewhat ironically, even though they were our best friends, they became the most fun to take on and off the list, because then you could pull the list out right in front of them and look at them disapprovingly while you worked on it.

The Shit List had its heaviest use Freshman year, but we also used to add to it Sophomore year as well. After that it just hung out in my wallet and didn't really see much use, aside from the occasional trip down memory lane. Eventually I stopped using that wallet and the mostly useless contents of it migrated to the top drawer of my dresser, where everything small enough to fit in my pocket eventually goes to die.

In its old age, the Shit List is tattered and worn, especially from being folded and unfolded so many times. The edges have worn away, and the bottom right 25% of it has fallen off, with only half of that preserved and the other half lost to the ages. Every line is filled with names and infractions, and due to lack of space, the margins are filled with names and infractions, as well, with arrows pointing from one name to another, names crossed out, circled, re-circled. I pulled it out of my drawer earlier tonight and cringed as I read the sometimes awful but usually just petty things I had written. Some are funny, though, at least. And now, you get to read it, too!

I'm not going to include the names of the accused, because half of them were eventually exonerated and the other half are people who I don't even remember. But, I will list the infractions. To give an example of how it would work with a name, let's say Jay Leno was on the Shit List. It would look like this:

Jay Leno -- for being the biggest douche known to mankind

or

Nia Vardalos -- face makes me want to punch

Okay, here we go, with occasional parenthetical notes:

Levi and Paul's Honorable Shit List of Power:

-- for having a big mouth
-- for a shitty hair cut
-- for splashing a disk (remember disks?)
-- for poking Levi with a probe (this was in science class, so it was an actual probe)
-- for drawing on me
-- for having a sinister urge (this was for a dude caught jerking off in the gym)
-- gay hating Nazi
-- mad at Rob
-- colored on Rob
-- abuse of Jennifer's house and remote
-- stealing notes and distributing
-- TP'd Dan's truck
-- likes Rush Limbaugh
-- sucks at baseball
-- because
-- copycat!
-- I hate them
-- burnt Kaitlyn
-- for being disgusting
-- talking with mouth full
-- not finishing game of Life
-- doesn't like Matt
-- dissing on me
-- thinks he's my friend
-- asks me for money
-- she wears dumb shirts
-- sucky
-- saying Jenny's hair looks shitty
-- scratched me today
-- made faces at me
-- scrunchie bitch (remember scrunchies?)
-- dimples
-- annoying freshman
-- loose (gross)
-- inane sentences
-- too many infractions to list
-- damned
-- generally Shit Listy
-- hated by all
-- ugly
-- stuck up
-- hates me

Anyway, that's enough for now. A nice sampling. Typing it out was getting a little depressing.

One funny thing: one of the names listed is "The Entire Cheerleading Team." Reason? "Because they're them." But, after that, there's a big list of all the girls on the cheerleading team who are NOT included. So if you were on the cheerleading team, don't feel too bad, chances are you're one of the ones I liked.

Also, in the missing part of the list, one guy is listed followed by the reason "wears karate. . ." and then it gets cut off. But I can only imagine he must have worn a karate outfit to school. So, that one seems justified.

Finally, there are three entries in the middle of the list that are scratched out with the notation, "Impostor Entries." They're scratched out so well, I can't tell what they said. Now I wonder who wrote them and under what circumstances.

Anyway, I guess I'm lucky the Shit List never fell into the wrong clutches. No teacher ever siezed it and took it seriously, which is good, since several of the entries are for teachers. You know, if you want to stay out of trouble, it's probably best not to make a written record of people's first names and last names and why you dislike them.

If you ever do, don't post it on the internet.