The lovers, the dreamers and me

We were listening to She & Him.

"I like She & Him," I said.

"Me too, I think," she said. "But I don't know sometimes."

"What?" I asked.

"Sometimes Zooey's voice reminds me of Kermit the Frog," she explained.

"Yeah," I agreed. "But it doesn't bother me. I like things that remind me of Kermit the Frog. Roger Daltrey reminds me of Kermit the Frog. My dad reminds me of Kermit the Frog. Kermit the Frog reminds me of Kermit the Frog."

Heavy Flow

I was in the checkout line about to buy some Gatorade when my phone rang. It was Tara.

"Hey, can you get me some super absorbent tampons, please?" she asked.

I could hear laughing in the background.

"Seriously?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said. "And some cigarettes."

"What brand?" I asked.

"I don't know, Tampax I guess," Tara said.

"No, what kind of cigarettes," I said.

"Oh. One pack of Camel Lights. One pack of Marlboro Reds," Tara said.

The guy in front of me in line was almost done checking out.

"I'm already in the checkout line," I said. "Can your vagina wait?"

Everyone in the line looked at me.

"Yeah, it'll be fine," Tara said.

I thought about the woman I lived with for six years and how she would feel if I came back from the store without tampons. She would feel sad.

"No, seriously, do you need them?" I asked.

"No, it can wait," Tara said.

I hung up. The old man checker grabbed the Gatorade from the conveyor and scanned it.

"It sure didn't take them long to get ol' Tiger off these things, huh?" he asked.

Max's Inferno

I was riding the Yellow Line the other night, listening to my iPod, trying to ignore the only other dudes on the train who seemed to be in a passionate conversation that required lots of arm waving.

Oh, well, I thought. At least they're clearly keeping each other busy and won't bother me.

Then, one of the dudes got off at a stop. As soon as he got off, I noticed I could still hear the other dude talking, despite my attempts to increase the volume on my iPod. So, either this dude was talking to himself or he was talking to me. Both bad signs. I decided to not look up.

After a few moments I saw him out of the corner of my eye, getting up and starting down the aisle toward me. Then, he sat right across from me, leaned in, and kept talking. I looked up and watched his mouth move. He was clearly homeless or crazy or both. It didn't seem like he'd stop any time soon so I did what you should never do, and took my headphones out.

"What?" I asked.

"Has anyone officially welcomed you to hell, yet?" he asked.

Oh, Christ.

"No," I said.

He held out a hand caked with grime. I shook it. It was sticky.

"Welcome to hell, then," he said.

I nodded, withdrew my hand, and hoped that would be it, reflecting how if this was a movie this would be the point where he'd take out a razor and slit my throat. Where's Batman when you need him? Probably on the Blue Line.

"Or, maybe it's purgatory," the guy continued. "I was raised Catholic. You know what purgatory is?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Are you Catholic?" he asked.

"No," I said. "But I've heard of purgatory."

Then, he launched into a diatribe the likes of which I can't do justice. It had something to do with what he perceived as the insanity of the train going across one bridge and then back over another in a perpetual circle. Only, it was a lot more violent and aggressive and made less sense.

When we finally got to my stop, I thought, well, here it goes, watch my luck: he'll get off here, too.

But, he didn't.

I wouldn't mind crazy people so much if they just wouldn't talk to me.

That goes for sane ones, too.

Schrodinger's Cat can suck it.

The flyer to the left was posted on my door the other day.

The first thing I thought was, "This cat sounds delicious." Then I noticed the date. It has been lost since 10/11. . . 2010????

THIS CAT IS FROM THE FUTURE!

This cat is not just lost. This cat is LOST IN TIME. Like Marty McFly. Or the Ninja Turtles. Or Spock. Or the entire cast of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

But. . . it's not micro chipped. Or street saavy (sic). On one hand I'd expect a future cat to have all the technological advantages that a life in the future would imply. I'd also expect the cat to know his shit. Being from the future, the cat should have a "been there done that" attitude. Our non-flying cars and conspicuous lack of hoverboards must seem quaint to this feline time traveler.

On the other I guess the future could be so different that the cat is totally at a loss. Like I bet they don't even use money anymore by 10/11/10. They probably all work together to better themselves and have bald heads and all wear the same drab uniforms and don't care about material possessions.

But let's think about this for a second. If the cat goes missing in the future, who put up the flyer? How does someone in the past even know the cat eventually goes missing? Is the cat so advanced in the future that he came back in time and put up the flyers himself? Or is there a second time traveler?

I guess I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm assuming the cat went back in time. I guess it could just go missing on 10/11/10 and someone came back in time and put up a flyer, or somehow communicated across timelines to alert someone in the present to put up the flyer. I mean I assumed the flyer meant I should be looking for the future cat right now, in this time, but I guess it could just mean that we should all work to prevent the eventual disappearance of the cat when 10/11/10 rolls around. How we're supposed to do that, I don't know. I guess whoever posted the flyer figured it would simply cause a ripple in time that would lead to a series of random events that would eventually prevent the cat from getting lost, relying on the fundamental interconnectedness of all things to take care of the cat finding.

I guess they call the woman who wants him back "older" because she's older in the future relative to how old she is now.

If the cat did travel back through time, do you think that means there are two copies of the cat wandering around right now in the present? The Present Cat and the Future Cat? If they run into each other will it create a paradox and cause the fabric of the universe to tear apart? Or will the Present Cat just say, "I'm OLD!" while the Future Cat says, "I'm YOUNG!" just before they both pass out cold.

Of course there are a couple other possibilities.

1) The cat came back to do something evil and they sent a good guy after the cat to catch him and he's the one going around posting flyers. Or what if it's the other way around. Who am I supposed to trust? What if there's a knock on my door and I open it and the Future Cat is sitting there and he says, "Come with me if you want to live!"

2) On 10/11/10 a mysterious probe appears in orbit around our planet and proceeds to destroy us because by then we've killed all the whales and the cat is just coming back in time to try to bring two humpbacks to the future to save mankind.

Man, just think, by the time this cat goes missing I'll be 30. 30!

I'm getting too old for this shit.

Anyway, Godspeed, Time Cat.

Lost in time. Lost in space.

And meaning.