Max's Inferno

I was riding the Yellow Line the other night, listening to my iPod, trying to ignore the only other dudes on the train who seemed to be in a passionate conversation that required lots of arm waving.

Oh, well, I thought. At least they're clearly keeping each other busy and won't bother me.

Then, one of the dudes got off at a stop. As soon as he got off, I noticed I could still hear the other dude talking, despite my attempts to increase the volume on my iPod. So, either this dude was talking to himself or he was talking to me. Both bad signs. I decided to not look up.

After a few moments I saw him out of the corner of my eye, getting up and starting down the aisle toward me. Then, he sat right across from me, leaned in, and kept talking. I looked up and watched his mouth move. He was clearly homeless or crazy or both. It didn't seem like he'd stop any time soon so I did what you should never do, and took my headphones out.

"What?" I asked.

"Has anyone officially welcomed you to hell, yet?" he asked.

Oh, Christ.

"No," I said.

He held out a hand caked with grime. I shook it. It was sticky.

"Welcome to hell, then," he said.

I nodded, withdrew my hand, and hoped that would be it, reflecting how if this was a movie this would be the point where he'd take out a razor and slit my throat. Where's Batman when you need him? Probably on the Blue Line.

"Or, maybe it's purgatory," the guy continued. "I was raised Catholic. You know what purgatory is?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Are you Catholic?" he asked.

"No," I said. "But I've heard of purgatory."

Then, he launched into a diatribe the likes of which I can't do justice. It had something to do with what he perceived as the insanity of the train going across one bridge and then back over another in a perpetual circle. Only, it was a lot more violent and aggressive and made less sense.

When we finally got to my stop, I thought, well, here it goes, watch my luck: he'll get off here, too.

But, he didn't.

I wouldn't mind crazy people so much if they just wouldn't talk to me.

That goes for sane ones, too.