The lovers, the dreamers and me

We were listening to She & Him.

"I like She & Him," I said.

"Me too, I think," she said. "But I don't know sometimes."

"What?" I asked.

"Sometimes Zooey's voice reminds me of Kermit the Frog," she explained.

"Yeah," I agreed. "But it doesn't bother me. I like things that remind me of Kermit the Frog. Roger Daltrey reminds me of Kermit the Frog. My dad reminds me of Kermit the Frog. Kermit the Frog reminds me of Kermit the Frog."

Heavy Flow

I was in the checkout line about to buy some Gatorade when my phone rang. It was Tara.

"Hey, can you get me some super absorbent tampons, please?" she asked.

I could hear laughing in the background.

"Seriously?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said. "And some cigarettes."

"What brand?" I asked.

"I don't know, Tampax I guess," Tara said.

"No, what kind of cigarettes," I said.

"Oh. One pack of Camel Lights. One pack of Marlboro Reds," Tara said.

The guy in front of me in line was almost done checking out.

"I'm already in the checkout line," I said. "Can your vagina wait?"

Everyone in the line looked at me.

"Yeah, it'll be fine," Tara said.

I thought about the woman I lived with for six years and how she would feel if I came back from the store without tampons. She would feel sad.

"No, seriously, do you need them?" I asked.

"No, it can wait," Tara said.

I hung up. The old man checker grabbed the Gatorade from the conveyor and scanned it.

"It sure didn't take them long to get ol' Tiger off these things, huh?" he asked.

Max's Inferno

I was riding the Yellow Line the other night, listening to my iPod, trying to ignore the only other dudes on the train who seemed to be in a passionate conversation that required lots of arm waving.

Oh, well, I thought. At least they're clearly keeping each other busy and won't bother me.

Then, one of the dudes got off at a stop. As soon as he got off, I noticed I could still hear the other dude talking, despite my attempts to increase the volume on my iPod. So, either this dude was talking to himself or he was talking to me. Both bad signs. I decided to not look up.

After a few moments I saw him out of the corner of my eye, getting up and starting down the aisle toward me. Then, he sat right across from me, leaned in, and kept talking. I looked up and watched his mouth move. He was clearly homeless or crazy or both. It didn't seem like he'd stop any time soon so I did what you should never do, and took my headphones out.

"What?" I asked.

"Has anyone officially welcomed you to hell, yet?" he asked.

Oh, Christ.

"No," I said.

He held out a hand caked with grime. I shook it. It was sticky.

"Welcome to hell, then," he said.

I nodded, withdrew my hand, and hoped that would be it, reflecting how if this was a movie this would be the point where he'd take out a razor and slit my throat. Where's Batman when you need him? Probably on the Blue Line.

"Or, maybe it's purgatory," the guy continued. "I was raised Catholic. You know what purgatory is?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Are you Catholic?" he asked.

"No," I said. "But I've heard of purgatory."

Then, he launched into a diatribe the likes of which I can't do justice. It had something to do with what he perceived as the insanity of the train going across one bridge and then back over another in a perpetual circle. Only, it was a lot more violent and aggressive and made less sense.

When we finally got to my stop, I thought, well, here it goes, watch my luck: he'll get off here, too.

But, he didn't.

I wouldn't mind crazy people so much if they just wouldn't talk to me.

That goes for sane ones, too.

Schrodinger's Cat can suck it.

The flyer to the left was posted on my door the other day.

The first thing I thought was, "This cat sounds delicious." Then I noticed the date. It has been lost since 10/11. . . 2010????

THIS CAT IS FROM THE FUTURE!

This cat is not just lost. This cat is LOST IN TIME. Like Marty McFly. Or the Ninja Turtles. Or Spock. Or the entire cast of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

But. . . it's not micro chipped. Or street saavy (sic). On one hand I'd expect a future cat to have all the technological advantages that a life in the future would imply. I'd also expect the cat to know his shit. Being from the future, the cat should have a "been there done that" attitude. Our non-flying cars and conspicuous lack of hoverboards must seem quaint to this feline time traveler.

On the other I guess the future could be so different that the cat is totally at a loss. Like I bet they don't even use money anymore by 10/11/10. They probably all work together to better themselves and have bald heads and all wear the same drab uniforms and don't care about material possessions.

But let's think about this for a second. If the cat goes missing in the future, who put up the flyer? How does someone in the past even know the cat eventually goes missing? Is the cat so advanced in the future that he came back in time and put up the flyers himself? Or is there a second time traveler?

I guess I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm assuming the cat went back in time. I guess it could just go missing on 10/11/10 and someone came back in time and put up a flyer, or somehow communicated across timelines to alert someone in the present to put up the flyer. I mean I assumed the flyer meant I should be looking for the future cat right now, in this time, but I guess it could just mean that we should all work to prevent the eventual disappearance of the cat when 10/11/10 rolls around. How we're supposed to do that, I don't know. I guess whoever posted the flyer figured it would simply cause a ripple in time that would lead to a series of random events that would eventually prevent the cat from getting lost, relying on the fundamental interconnectedness of all things to take care of the cat finding.

I guess they call the woman who wants him back "older" because she's older in the future relative to how old she is now.

If the cat did travel back through time, do you think that means there are two copies of the cat wandering around right now in the present? The Present Cat and the Future Cat? If they run into each other will it create a paradox and cause the fabric of the universe to tear apart? Or will the Present Cat just say, "I'm OLD!" while the Future Cat says, "I'm YOUNG!" just before they both pass out cold.

Of course there are a couple other possibilities.

1) The cat came back to do something evil and they sent a good guy after the cat to catch him and he's the one going around posting flyers. Or what if it's the other way around. Who am I supposed to trust? What if there's a knock on my door and I open it and the Future Cat is sitting there and he says, "Come with me if you want to live!"

2) On 10/11/10 a mysterious probe appears in orbit around our planet and proceeds to destroy us because by then we've killed all the whales and the cat is just coming back in time to try to bring two humpbacks to the future to save mankind.

Man, just think, by the time this cat goes missing I'll be 30. 30!

I'm getting too old for this shit.

Anyway, Godspeed, Time Cat.

Lost in time. Lost in space.

And meaning.

Romancefest Wrap Up

Well, I accomplished my goal of watching 28 romantic films in 28 days, in honor of February, the month of Valentine's Day. I got behind a couple times and had to watch up to 3 movies in a day in order to catch up, but I made it.

I followed my original plan of watching movies from the AFI "100 Years, 100 Passions" list, and with the exception of OUT OF AFRICA, I only watched ones I hadn't seen before. Still, with all the movies I'd already seen, plus these 28, I have something like 19 more to go before I can say I've watched the whole list, and who knows if I'll ever watch those ones.

I really liked seeing stars I'm familiar with in movies I'm less familiar with. I have a greater understanding of the legacies of stars like Judy Garland, Barbra Streisand and Bette Davis now that I've watched some movies I might not have watched otherwise. Also, I got to see familiar people like Frank Morgan and Humphrey Bogart in unfamiliar roles. There were also films directed by directors who directed some of my favorite films, like Robert Wise and George Stevens, so I was glad to see more of their work.

And now, some fun facts:

Movies I saw where people die -- 11

I'm only counting the death if it was a main member of the central love story, even if it was a triangle. I'm not counting deaths from surrounding relationships or supporting characters.

Methods of death -- 2 shootings, 3 terminal illnesses, 1 plane crash, 1 by old age, 2 drownings, 1 death by train, 1 car wreck, 1 gas chamber, 1 electric chair

Happy endings -- 12

Admittedly, this is kind of subjective, but that's less than half! So next time someone tries to tell you Hollywood's about happy endings, especially old Hollywood movies, kindly remind them that they don't know what they're talking about.

Musicals -- 6

Movies with Paris -- 3, but it seemed like a lot more

Movies involving the military -- 5

Multiple appearances by an actor or actress -- 7

2 with Bette Davis, 3 with Barbra Streisand, 3 with Natalie Wood, 2 with Greta Garbo, 2 with Ryan O'Neal, 2 with Robert Redford, 2 with Montgomery Clift

Repeated directors -- 5

2 by Sydney Pollack, 2 by Elia Kazan, 2 by George Stevens, 2 by George Cukor, 2 by Vincente Minnelli

And my favorite --

Movies involving the symbolic use of loons:

ON GOLDEN POND and A PLACE IN THE SUN

Romancefest 28: A Place in the Sun

This was probably the most surprising film I've watched all month. Not that it has a twist ending, or anything -- it proceeds logically and tragically to the only conclusion it could really have. But, the way the story develops, going into it not knowing anything about it, the film ends at a totally different place than you expect it to.

A PLACE IN THE SUN starts with Montgomery Clift hitchhiking into town. He has traveled to visit his uncle, a prominent businessman who runs a factory in town that almost everyone seems to work at. His uncle (Keefe Brasselle) agrees to hire Clift to work in the factory, first on the floor with later promises to be moved up to management and maybe higher if things work out.

Clift seems to take to the job easily, willing to keep his nose down and work, even drafting proposals to more efficiently streamline the way the factory works. He clearly wants to make this work, and clearly wants to make something out of himself.

There are rules in place to keep the male employees from fraternizing with the female ones, but Clift quickly zeroes in on a factory worker played by Shelley Winters in a heart breaking performance that just gets more heart breaking as the story develops.

As Clift rises in the ranks of higher society and is accepted more and more into his uncle's family, he catches the eye of a young society girl played by Elizabeth Taylor. She's the opposite of Winters -- glamorous where Winters is mousy, seemingly unattainable where Winters is more than willing to love Clift. Still, somehow, Taylor and Clift hit if off, and now Clift has a problem as he's torn between the two women.

This is where the plot kicks in, and I don't want to give any of it away. Here are some hints: the film surprisingly flirts with issues involving abortion, and eventually the district attorney of a small lakeside vacation community has to be called in to investigate a tragic accident. This is Raymond Burr as a nightmare version of his familiar Perry Mason character -- Burr's DA approaches crime and punishment as if every crime is a personal assault on him that must be avenged at all costs. You don't want to show up in court with Burr's DA on the other side. I love movies like this, where they're perfectly strong all the way through and they still have a great character to introduce at the last minute.

The movie is notable for the way it deals with complex issues of guilt, cowardice, image, and self esteem. Clift is great at projecting all of these conflicting feelings on his face and body language, an even though he basically makes wrong choice after wrong choice, it's difficult not to sympathize with him, even though he's not particularly likable. Others might deny this, but if I'm honest with myself, I can really identify with the need to do one thing and say another, and then try to cover up your actions out of shame or guilt. It doesn't have to involve crime or even moral issues, necessarily -- just things as simple as an opinion, or thought, or something you said. Everyone has weak moments where they don't want others to know who they really are inside and will do a lot of shameful things to cover it up. There's a constant struggle inside everyone between the person they are and the person they want to be.

Then, there's the person you think other people want you to be. Where does that fit in?

If you are thinking to yourself right now, "That's not true about me, what's he talking about?" then you're in the middle of exactly what I'm talking about.

Romancefest 27: What's Up, Doc?

WHAT'S UP, DOC? delivers on the promise of Barbra Streisand as a great comedic actress set out by FUNNY GIRL. But, WHAT'S UP, DOC? doesn't have any of the pretension of the earlier film and moves at a pace as fast as Streisand's comic delivery. This chick can read lines, man.

The film is a tribute to the screwball genre that's almost dead now, and also gives several nods to the Looney Tunes for inspiration. The plot revolves around several characters staying in a hotel, all with matching overnight bags. There are mix-ups, the bags change hands, people mistake identities, slam lots of doors, run up and down lots of halls, and chase each other around SanFrancisco in a variety of vehicles.

Some of it works, some of it doesn't. Part of the problem is everyone seems to know they're being funny. Film critic turned director, Peter Bogdanovich, clearly approached this movie with a, "Hey, gang, let's make a comedy!" attitude, and it rubbed off on everyone. Everyone's always winking and nodding at (and sometimes talking to) the camera/audience and we occasionally get the feeling they want us to laugh just because we're supposed to and not because they actually put the work in.

But, despite all that, I can't deny there are long stretches of the film that work very well. The set up was a little clumsy, and I don't quite get Streisand's immediate attraction to leading man, Ryan O'Neal, a bespectacled, nerdy, shy, clumsy musicologist carrying around a bag of precious igneous rocks. But, once the plot kicks in and dominos start falling over, the chain reaction gains its own momentum and the "why" doesn't really matter anymore.

The other strong presence aside from Streisand and O'Neal is Madeline Kahn in her screen debut. I'm familiar with her only from Mel Brooks movies and CLUE, but she shows the same comedic genius early on, reaching such heights of exasperation that her dialogue almost comes off as lyrics in a song.

O'Neal pales in comparison here to the energy of Streisand, but he does show there's more to him than the bland, whiny persona he was stuck with in LOVE STORY. In fact, WHAT'S UP, DOC? sticks it to LOVE STORY nicely when O'Neal apologizes to Streisand near the end of the film. He says he's sorry, she quotes LOVE STORY:

STREISAND: Love means never having to say you're sorry.

O'NEAL: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

I know, right?

Another great line from Streisand:

"I know I'm different, but from now on I'm going to try to be the same."