Things I could do Without

I consider myself somewhat knowledgeable when it comes to pop culture, literature, and movies and a lot of people know realize that about me, whether or not it's true. Because of this, I can sometimes be consider a nerd or a geek or whatever -- apparently things like knowing all the lines to STAR TREK II carry a stigma. Go figure.

Anyway, because of these things combined and my own pursuit of my own interests, I often find myself face to face with little portions of pop culture or nerdiness that people assume I'd care about, but really I could do without. So here's a list.

ANIME

There was a time, back in high school, where I tried to get into Anime. Back before the Internet got super awesome, it was hard to get your hands on good Japanese Animation unless you confined yourself to the handful of popular flicks the video store might have or were willing to pay top price at Suncoast. So, I saw a couple of the ones everyone claims are great (they were okay) and soon realized each of them had ten million derivative sequels with increasingly dumb names that I couldn't keep track of and I gave up. The exception to this is the Miyazaki stuff, which is mostly aimed at kids, so it doesn't have all the creepy stuff in it that makes me feel weird. I mean, the Miyazaki flicks ARE creepy, but they don't make me feel weird. Now thanks to the Internet, this crap is everywhere. They even made a big budget Hollywood flick out of SPEED RACER (which no one saw).

MARTIAL ARTS FLICKS

I know I'm supposed to be into martial arts movies, but they're kinda like porn as far as I'm concerned -- you've seen one, you've seen 'em all. None of them have any plot to speak of, so unless you REALLY like the star of the movie or you REALLY like watching the fight scenes, there's no reason to watch. Look, I like ENTER THE DRAGON as much as the next guy but let's be honest -- even that flick you have to take with a grain of salt and it's the best one ever made. Right? I know, I know, all these new ones are supposed to be super amazing with their wire fu and all that crap but I tried to watch a couple of the ones that came out in the wake of CROUCHING TIGER and guess what -- all the same. No thanks.

ANYTHING ASIAN (except food, Akira Kurosawa and Ozu)

At the risk of sounding like an asshole (too late!), why not just admit it -- I can do without Asia. I'm sure the continent is full of great people but I can't get into their entertainment. I don't really like big rubber monsters, I don't like Anime, I don't like martial arts, I don't like weirdo porn, and I don't like non-martial arts Asian action flicks where dudes fire two guns at once. Again, there was a time back in high school where I tried to like John Woo, and sure, THE KILLER and HARD BOILED are pretty cool, but what has he done for me lately other than ruin Hollywood? Nothing, that's what. Oh, RED CLIFF, you say? Get back to me when there isn't a million different versions of it for me to keep track of and then maybe I'll watch it. But probably not. Oh, and give me a break with your "horror" movies, too, please.

LUC BESSON

Speaking of ruining Hollywood. I can do without this guy. Early on nerds were supposed to like him because of THE PROFESSIONAL. All right, again, I was suckered in on that one back in high school. But you know what THE PROFESSIONAL and a bunch of other nerd stuff has in common? Sexualizing young girls. I mean, watch THE PROFESSIONAL today and TRY not to get creeped out by Natalie Portman. She's great and all, but I think there's some nerd wish fulfillment going on here (and in Anime) stemming from the general nerd inability to get chicks, and therefore presenting sexuality as something you can take advantage of because it doesn't know any better. But that's just a minor complaint, pun intended -- Besson went on to make. . .

THE FIFTH ELEMENT

. . . which I can also do without. Holy Christ. What a loud, obnoxious mess. And everyone loves it for some reason. Not me. After that he went on to do a bunch of increasingly insane action movies, defined by how implausible the action sequences got and how many guns the heroes could hold simultaneously. Okay, two, but still. I've had enough of guys holding two guns. Oh, that reminds me, I can also do without

MOVIES WHERE CHARACTERS ARE JADED, CYNICAL PROFESSIONAL KILLERS WHO ACT LIKE MURDERING PEOPLE ISN'T A BIG DEAL EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE SUPER-NATURALLY GOOD AT IT

The one exception is Tarantino flicks -- he does it the best, so he gets a pass. Everyone else can go screw. I know before I even see these movies that I'm not going to like them, and sometimes I get tricked into going anyway, just in case. Anyway, I think these appeal to nerds, too, for wish fulfillment purposes -- they want to be the best at everything, and these flicks are about people who are not only the best at everything, but don't even care that they're the best at everything. Here's a trick -- if a movie has to tell you how cool it is, you know it has already failed at being cool. If white guys in their twenties swear it's the best movie ever made (BOONDOCK SAINTS), run the other direction.

VIDEO GAMES

I mean, what are video games these does other than a giant amalgamation of everything I've listed above? They're all trying to be too cool, make the players think they're experts at stuff they know nothing about (warfare, survival, etc), feature mindless cynical killing and violence, martial arts, and they're all made in Japan (kinda). Also what's the deal with making systems hard to get and pricey? All it does is make me not want one anymore. There was a time I wanted a Wii. They were impossible to get, so now I don't want one, out of spite.

ONLINE VIDEO GAMES

Even worse. Nowadays, you have to get online and play video games with strangers. And grown men do this. Grown men with wives and kids. Maybe I'm behind the times, but if I was a chick and I was looking at marrying a guy and he was obsessed with WORLD OF WAR CRAFT, I would head for the hills. To me, that's a giant red flag. You don't need that shit. There's plenty of perfectly great guys who don't know shit about video games. Why marry a dude who's going to sit on the couch or office chair all day (or night) playing let's pretend? Speaking of which. . .

ROLE PLAYING

I've never been into it. Never played DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS or any of that other stuff. A little too obsessive for me. I can hardly play Texas Hold 'Em without getting confused, I don't need dice with more than six sides or giant graphs with lots of numbers and stuff. I'm too dumb and slow and easily confused to be into that stuff. Which reminds me. . .

POKER ON TV

Thanks to the geniuses who ran out of shit to show on sports channels and turned to poker for programming, everyone thinks they're a pro. Ten years ago you never heard anyone talking about Texas Hold 'Em. Now everyone talks about the river and the flop and all that bullshit. Once again, people acting like they're experts on things they barely understand. Or maybe I'm projecting. Maybe just because I don't understand it doesn't mean other people can't. Maybe that's worse.

U2

Everyone loves U2. Not me. I think U2 is okay. Normally that'd be fine, except whenever I tell someone who asks that I think U2 is okay, they misinterpret me and go, "You HATE U2? How can you HATE U2? Hey, everyone, look at this douche over here, thinks he's too good for U2." No, thinking something is okay is different from hating it. Look, I just don't love U2 the way everyone else does, all right? Maybe if all their songs were as good as "All I want is You" I'd change my tune but until then they're just okay.

THE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND

I don't know how I missed out on this one. Seems like everyone my age and background LOVES this band. Even my own sister LOVES this band. Where was I? Again, I don't dislike them or anything, it's just kind of beyond me -- I couldn't name any of their albums, have never really found myself sitting around and listening to them. I somehow just missed it. Kind of like how I missed

THE CHICKEN DANCE

Somehow everyone knows and loves the chicken dance and busts it out at weddings and shit. Where was I when everyone learned this thing? And why does everyone like it? It's annoying and stupid.

I'm getting a little off base here. My premise was pop culture and nerdy stuff you'd think I like that I actually don't like. Now somehow I'm talking about the Chicken Dance of all things. All right, let's reign it in a little. How about. . .

TRON

In your face. I never saw it all the way through as a kid and I don't care that there's a sequel now. There. I said it.

THE DARK CRYSTAL and LABYRINTH

I thought both were boring and never want to watch them again.

SHORT CIRCUIT

Guess what? When you're not 7 years old, it sucks.

WATCHMEN

I never read it and I'm never going to. And it's not a graphic novel, it's a COMIC BOOK.

BELIEVING ALL SOURCE MATERIAL IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN WHATEVER ELSE IS BASED ON IT

That's for the birds. Come on, the novel JAWS is nowhere near the classic the movie is. And that's only one example.

BELIEVING DARKER IS ALWAYS BETTER

Every time a sequel or remake or whatever comes out, nerds wet themselves gushing about how "dark" this interpretation is going to be, or how "dark" the original source material was and how it'll only be done right if it's done "dark" and how it better be rated R or else and blah, blah, blah. Enough.

RANKIN BASS HOLIDAY SPECIALS

Come on! These things are tacky, loud, obnoxious, and ugly. The only one even halfway good is RUDOLPH, and it's still tough to watch as an adult. I firmly believe most adults who claim to love these haven't watched them within the last 2 decades.

HATING KEANU REEVES, KEVIN COSTNER and TOM CRUISE

They're not that bad, and you love a bunch of their movies. Admit it -- it's not in SPITE of them. It's BECAUSE of them. Man, I could write an entire book about this one.

AYN RAND

Look, I'm sure she's the deepest philosopher who ever lived and everything but I'm never going to read any of her books so you can stop telling me how amazing she is. When a movie like DIRTY DANCING illustrates what a douche a character is by showing that he's into THE FOUNTAINHEAD, I cross it off my list of shit to read.

Anyway, there's a lot more where that came from. But I'm off topic again. Rand's not really a nerd thing. This is getting too negative. I started writing this to hopefully feel better and now I think I feel worse. What's some stuff I love?

Westerns, The Who, my iPhone, Star Trek, Steven Spielberg, Ed Wood, Charles Bukowski, my record player, Bettie Page, my recliner, the Laurelhurst, steak, beer, stand up comedy, podcasts. . .

And there are dicks out there like me who could do without all that stuff.

Okay, I feel better.