20 People

I came across the following thingy on Facebook. So I did it. It was fun:

"Name 20 people off the top of your head. Don't read the questions underneath until you write the names of all 20 people, and be sure to tag the person who tagged you after completing it yourself. *this is a lot funnier if you actually list the names first, no cheating!*"

Hmm. 20 people off the top of my head. Okay. . .

1. Captain Kirk
2. Robin Hood
3. Aladdin
4. Marty McFly
5. Charles Bukowski
6. Batman
7. Artie Lange
8. William Wallace
9. Kelly MacDonald
10. Orson Welles
11. Paul Newman
12. John McClane
13. Stanley Kubrick
14. Audrey Hepburn
15. Peter Venkman
16. Snake Eyes
17. Vin Diesel
18. Buzz Aldrin
19. The T-Rex from Jurassic Park
20. Fay Wray

THE Q U E S T I O N S . .

• How did you meet 10?
I first met Orson Welles when he was playing Unicron in TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE.

• What would you do if you had never met 14?
I haven't met Audrey Hepburn. If I did meet her I'd attempt to sleep with her, assuming she'd be in her prime. And by "sleep" I mean, "have sex with."

• What would you do if 20 and 15 dated?
If Fay Wray and Peter Venkman dated, I'd make a documentary about it. They'd have a lot in common, because Fay Wray acted opposite King Kong, and Peter Venkman battled the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

• Do you think anyone on this list will get married to another person on this list?
Uhm. . . only three are both real people AND still alive -- Artie Lange, Kelly MacDonald and Vin Diesel. I guess I could see Artie and Vin getting married once they're both out of the closet. I think Kelly MacDonald is saving herself for me.

• Did you ever like 3?
Yeah. When I was in 7th grade I could quote the entirety of ALADDIN.

• Have you ever seen 13 cry?
No, I've never seen Stanley Kubrick cry. It could be that he was actually a cyborg.

• Would 4 and 12 make a good couple?
Marty McFly and John McClane? Fuck yes! Think about it: McFly. . . McClane. . . in. . . BACK TO THE FUTURE WITH A VENGEANCE. Best flick ever. McClane could kill the Libyans for Marty, Marty could take McClane back in time and fix DIE HARD 3. I'm surprised no one thought of it before.

• Would number 1 and 2 make a good couple?
Yeah, I think Captain Kirk and Robin Hood would probably get along. They both kind of have a thing against authority, and are leaders of men. They might butt heads a little when it comes to deciding which one's the bitch, but that could be half the fun of the relationship. Plus, Kirk could teach Robin Hood how to backhand people and do flying kicks, while Robin Hood could teach Kirk how to shoot flaming arrows. Dude. Captain Kirk + Flaming arrows = you're welcome J.J. Abrams.

• Describe 8:
William Wallace: two words -- brave heart.

• Last time you saw 12?
When I was in Ohio for my grandma's funeral me and my dad unwound by watching McClane in DIE HEARD 2, which, in my opinion, gets better every time I watch it.

• Tell me something about 17:
Rumor has it Vin Diesel makes his girlfriends play board games before having sex. I like to think it's HERO QUEST but it's probably just MONOPOLY.

• What's 7's favorite color?
Artie Lange's favorite color? White? Like blow? (Just guessing.)

• What would you do if 1 just confessed they liked you?
If Captain Kirk confessed he liked me, it would make my day. Maybe even my year. There isn't much else that could make me happier.

•When was the last time you talked to number 6?
I've never talked TO Batman, but last night me and Ryan were talking LIKE Batman. We were doing impressions of Batman abruptly quitting his job at Starbucks on his 1 year anniversary. It was hilarious. I told Ryan to do an impression of The Joker quitting, next, but he became self conscious and refused. It was just as well, because it would have probably scared me.

• How do you think 19 feels about you?
I think if I move, the T-Rex from Jurassic Park will feel hungry and eat me. If I stand still, it will probably save me from the velociraptors (by eating them instead).

• What language does 18 speak?
Buzz Aldrin speaks American. If you suggest otherwise, he'll punch you in the face.

• Who is #2 married to?
Duh, Robin Hood is married to Maid Marian. Figuratively, though, he's married to JUSTICE.

• What is 5's favorite food?
Charles Bukowski's favorite food is alcohol. His second favorite food is cigarettes.

• Would you ever date anyone on this list?
I would date Kelly MacDonald. I would also date Audrey Hepburn and Fay Wray, assuming they magically came back to life and were somewhere in their late 20s or early 30s.

• Is 11 single?
Paul Newman's dead now, but when he was alive he was married to Joanne Woodward.

•What's 10's last name?
Orson Welles' last name is Welles.

• What is 9 best at?
Kelly MacDonald is a good actress. Especially when she's simulating sex in TRAINSPOTTING.

• What do you think about 20?
I think Fay Wray was hot. I always liked her because when I was a kid I was obsessed with KING KONG. She sure can scream.

• What is the best thing about 1?
The best thing about Captain Kirk is how he's so confident about everything. He's like, "Fuck you, Universe! Bam! I'm Captain Kirk! I don't like to lose! I need my pain! Let them die!" Etc.

• What would you like to tell 16 right now?
Snake Eyes, I'm sorry the GI JOE movie looks so shitty. Maybe it'll be good! It could happen.

• How did you meet 8?
I met William Wallace at the Mack Theater in 1995. My buddy Clint and I went to see BRAVEHEART there because they were famous for letting kids into R-rated movies. That was the night Wallace stole my heart.

• What is the worst and best thing about number 2?
Worst thing about Robin Hood is Kevin Costner. Best thing about Robin Hood is Errol Flynne. But don't get me wrong: I love Kevin Costner.