Top Ten Movies of 2009

It’s time, again, for the top ten movies of the year. As usual, because of the way they release these things, there are several films that I might love that haven’t come to Portland yet, so I can really only judge what I’ve seen. But, for now, here it is, in no particular order, except I saved the best for last.

THE HANGOVER (Todd Phillips)

Everyone loved this flick. I’m no exception. Bradley Cooper, opened up to do some wacky comedy instead of playing a total dickhead, showed his true star quality for the first time. But of course the real star is Zach Galifianakis, who steals every scene. I’ve been a fan of Todd Phillips’ brand of comedy since I first saw OLD SCHOOL, and although there have been some missteps along the way, HANGOVER takes the promise of OLD SCHOOL to the next level.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE (Spike Jonze)

This movie is sad and a little confusing. People sometimes forget that childhood isn’t always rainbows and sunshine or puppy dogs and ice cream. Sometimes, childhood is sad and confusing. That’s one of the reasons imagination is so important to young people. What better way to make sense out of a complex world that most adults, let alone kids, don’t understand in the first place, than to imagine solutions to problems, imagine explanations for things that don’t make sense, imagine connections between the things that don’t seem to connect. Imagination can organize the chaos around us. It can make sense out of the senseless. It can soothe the savage beast.

It seems like the kids’ movies that are memorable to my generation tend to be the ones that are a little strange, a little edgy, a little creepy, a little challenging. People remember the nightmare visions as fondly, if not moreso, as they do the warm and fuzzy ones. Hopefully in ten or twenty years there will be a generation of kids who grow into adults who love WILD THINGS as much as people my age love LABYRINTH, DARK CRYSTAL, NEVERENDING STORY, RETURN TO OZ. WILD THINGS is a better film than all of those, anyway.

WHIP IT (Drew Barrymore)

The complaints I’ve read about WHIP IT mostly say it is too formulaic and that it’s too nice. That’s why I like it. Despite the strict adherence to formula and despite how nicely everything turns out, WHIP IT still manages to be a great film with a unique point of view.

The other reason I liked WHIP IT: Ellen Page. More than any movie so far, this film has made me fall in love with Ellen Page. Her face is so genuine that with seemingly no effort she can make your heart break with a glance, or put it back together again with a smile. The trick is that it looks like she’s not working. When she’s sad, you’re sad. When she’s happy, you’re happy. It’s all in her eyes, and her cheeks, and her smile. Hopefully she’ll still be working in a couple decades when her face will have some mileage on it. Imagine what kind of stories she’ll tell.

There is one key scene in WHIP IT where the movie actually defies convention and formula, and it has to do with the love interest. Without giving too much away, there is some question as to whether he cheated on Page’s character or not. He makes a fairly good case that he didn’t. What’s her response? It doesn’t matter. She didn’t like the way the relationship made her feel, regardless of the details behind it, and that’s enough for her to end it. She knows what she wants and what she doesn’t want, and it’s not defined by the guy in her life. Teenage girls should be listening to this message, and not the one in TWILIGHT. I could stand to learn from it, myself.

UP IN THE AIR (Jason Reitman)

There’s truth in this movie. That’s why it’s beautiful. Sure, the movie is gray, overcast, about aging, about the death of the economy, about corporate detachment. Sure, the main character, played by George Clooney, has a side job convincing people they don’t need anyone but themselves. Sounds ugly. But, it isn’t. Sad, yes. Tragic, sure. It is that. But, not ugly. I can think of some supposedly heartwarming family films that are quite ugly. UP IN THE AIR is the opposite of that.

I’m guessing most people will exit this movie taking a long hard look at themselves. I say that because that’s what happened to me. My heart moved along with Clooney’s journey, and it didn’t go where I wanted it to go, and my heart broke right along with Clooney’s. But, me and Clooney thought about it, and we realized our hearts had already been broken, anyway. So, time to move on.

Some of the best movies ever made are about people who realize they’re lonely and decide they don’t want to be lonely anymore. The story comes from the choices they make to end their loneliness. The lesson comes from what they learn from the choices they make.

AVATAR (James Cameron)

There isn’t a moment in this movie where there isn’t something awesome to look at. And, a lot of this awesome stuff also happens to be totally unique to this movie. So, for the entire running time, the audience is seeing things they’ve never seen before. And that, while admittedly going a little above and beyond, is what seeing a movie should be all about. The whole movie is beautiful, but it is also action packed and breezes by at a good clip, despite the length. It’s deceptively perfect in its simplicity, basically a text book example of Ebert’s old rule, “It’s not what a movie is about, but how it’s about it.” The reason you see AVATAR is how it tells its story, not what the story is. AVATAR tells its story in a way you’ve never seen before. It’s a multi-course meal in a sea of fast food movies. It’s an event in the true meaning of the word, not the fake meaning that’s been applied to every would-be blockbuster of the week.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (Quentin Tarantino)

“It’s like writing history with lightning.”

That’s a famous quote about an infamous movie, BIRTH OF A NATION. The quote referred to the thrilling way D.W. Griffith told his story, when the medium was still new. The quote probably did not refer to the way Griffith took liberties with history to paint a racist and pro-KKK picture of reconstruction.

In any case, that’s the quote I think of when I think of INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS. The film is painted in broad strokes, with primary colors, larger than life characters and gleefully takes liberties with history in a way that might be offensive if the movie wasn’t so damned entertaining. Of course it helps that the film ends with one of the greatest revenge sequences ever, including a most satisfying death scene for a villain who never gets the death scene he deserves in any other WW2 flicks.

As usual, Tarantino bends genres until he’s basically made up his own and all of this flaunting of convention seems so obvious that it’s a wonder no one ever tried it before. But, that’s the beauty of it. The movie is so deceptively simple and straight forward that it has room to breathe, and it’s in this room that all the details and specifics get filled in, the way Tarantino loves to fill them in, until the movie is so particular you can’t imagine it ending with any other line than:

“I think this might just be my masterpiece.”

THE HURT LOCKER (Kathryn Bigelow)

This movie is badass. That’s all there is to it. If you want to see a movie about a badass doing badass things, this is the one to see. Don’t get scared away from all the awards attention and good reviews. I know sometimes that means the flick is boring or weird or whatever. Not in this case. Yeah, it’s a little movie – the main guy, Jeremy Renner, isn’t a star (though he should be) – it didn’t do a lot at the box office (though it should have) and it probably didn’t even play in a theater near you (which is a crime). Good news: it’ll be on video before you know it.

You like suspense? You like action? You like stuff blowing up? You like death metal? You’ll love HURT LOCKER. It has good acting and is beautiful to look at, as well, and, hell, all the technical credits are superb – writing, directing, editing. But, that’s just that artsy fartsy critic stuff.

(500) DAYS OF SUMMER (Marc Webb)

I’m a sucker for a good romantic comedy, and this is one. You can tell, because it’s also kind of sad. The best romantic comedies are. Why is that? I guess that’s because the ones that really understand relationships know that romantics are gluttons for punishment. Without the lows, would the highs be any good? Seems like my favorite romantic comedies are about break ups – ANNIE HALL, ETERNAL SUNSHINE, CHASING AMY.

This one benefits not just from a knowing and insightful script, but also from the beauty and grace of Zooey Deschanel as Summer. You could argue she’s up front with the male lead, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, from the beginning and he sets himself up for disappointment, but I’d argue when it comes to relationships you have to listen to what people tell you without words as well as listening to what they tell you with words, and usually the truth is somewhere in the middle.

This one’s a real crowd pleaser – the audience I saw it with sighed on cue, laughed on cue, exalted on cue, despaired on cue. We all wanted to climb into the screen and hug the movie.

After she saw the movie, my mom asked, "Does Summer remind you of anyone?"

Yes, mom, she does.

STAR TREK (J.J. Abrams)

Speaking of crowd pleasers.

Now, you could say it's a foregone conclusion that a STAR TREK nerd like myself should love this movie. But, judging from some reaction by nerds on the Internet, it looks like "real" STAR TREK nerds actually DON'T really like this movie. Even though it takes a dead franchise and returns it to glory with lots of color, life, vitality, and spark, the movie is getting flack from nerd audiences for playing fast and loose with the established STAR TREK story and for being more about spectacle than intellect.

Well, news flash: the deep STAR TREK episodes and movies were never that deep, and the spectacular ones weren’t, either. But, the well made ones were always well made, and the bad ones were always bad, and guess what? This one’s well made. That's all I ask for when it comes to STAR TREK -- I want good TREK, not shitty TREK.

Anyway, I don’t put much stock in how deep or shallow a movie is. The greatest intellectual or emotional pleasure I can get out of a movie is when the movie simply works. If it works and it’s dumb, great. If it works and it’s genius, great. If it works and it happens to be STAR TREK, sweet.

One of the main reasons I love this movie, aside from the fact that it is irresistibly fun, endlessly entertaining and constantly coming up with new things to keep the story moving, is because it goes back to the holy trinity of Kirk, Spock and McCoy. After those guys left the scene, STAR TREK was never the same. Yes, I love NEXT GENERATION and DEEP SPACE NINE. But I don’t get the emotional reaction to those characters that I get from a good old Kirk/Spock/McCoy interaction. And, as others have said, they nailed the casting, striking a perfect balance of paying homage to the original actors and characters while being bold enough to try something new. Like that one NEXT GENERATION episode, it’s the best of both worlds.

The only thing that could have made it better would have been a little more of Eric Bana as the bad guy, but who am I to argue with the Captain of the Enterprise.

ADVENTURELAND (Greg Mottola)

This was my favorite film of the year. I love a good coming of age story. This one stars Jesse Eisenberg, who is quickly becoming my favorite young actor, as a kid fresh out of college who ends up working at a run-down mom and pop theme park to earn money for grad-school. This is ADVENTURELAND, already losing its luster by the mid-80s, when the film takes place.

Eisenberg’s character made it through college as a virgin, but the quest to lose his virginity is a red herring. This is not that movie. It’s made clear in the early scenes that Eisenberg’s biggest obstacle to overcome is himself, not the women he’s dated or will date. This character is a romantic to a fault -- so in love with being in love, he ends up cock blocking himself at every turn. In this film, women aren’t inaccessible creatures who only exist for men to conquer. They’re real, three dimensional people and Eisenberg has to learn to become a real, three dimensional person himself before he can really relate to the world.

Take the Kristen Stewart character, Eisenberg’s main love interest: yeah, she’s confused, probably depressed, unhappy at home, involved in a dead-end relationship. But she also stands up for what she believes in, is loyal to her friends, and has a voice that wants to be heard. She is not an empty symbol for Eisenberg's attraction, she's a fully realized character who has her own shit going on. And, that's rare in movies -- usually supporting characters only exist to serve every whim of the protagonist. Rarely do you get the feeling the rest of the cast has stuff to do independently of what the plot requires.

This narrative generosity is extended to the whole ensemble cast, but one character who benefits from it a lot is Eisenberg's work-friend played by Martin Starr. Like most of the rest of the movie, Starr's performance is low key, but it's so well observed I feel like he's a real guy I met one time, instead of some dude I saw in a movie. He's the perfect sarcastic antidote to the otherwise dull and obvious world of ADVENTURELAND. There's truth to the relationship between Eisenberg and Starr -- they're the kind of buddies who meet out of a lack of anyone else to hang out with, who have enough in common to bitch to each other but not quite enough in common to really understand each other when it counts.

There's also Ryan Reynolds in what I believe is his best role to date. Ironically, the role is kind of a deconstruction of his usual roles -- the cool, aloof guy with a crooked smile and a twinkle in his eye. Only, in this flick, the audience can see through him. We can see he's not as cool as everyone thinks he is, and not as funny either. We can see he knows he's lost whatever he once had, even if the people around him haven't caught on yet. This vulnerability adds another dimension to a character who would otherwise just be a wisecracker who can't be touched, and the characterization gives Reynolds more to do than he usually has to do -- Reynolds is a performer cursed by being so naturally charming that directors usually forget to ask him to work.

What else? Above all, the movie is funny. But, it's not broad a gross-out, laugh-a-minute extravaganza. It's more observational in its humor, letting funny moments grow organically from character interactions. There's also a great soundtrack.

If the movie has one fault, it's the fact that the ending is just a little too happy. It feels tacked on and a little less grounded in reality than the rest of the film. That's not to say there aren't happy endings in real life, but with this film I would have felt satisfied with things up in the air, with an uncertain but hopeful future in front of Eisenberg.

As someone who tries to write, there's tragedy in a movie like this. It's so good, so well observed, so much like what I wish I could create, that it makes me wonder what I'm doing. I wrote a novel in college and it never quite worked, and when I saw this movie I thought, "That's what my novel wanted to be. I just didn't know it until I saw it."

Still, it's nice to have examples of art to strive for. It's tough work, trying to say the stuff that can't be said, especially when you don't have any examples of others who have said it close to the way that you want to say it.

That's one way you know you've found a movie you love -- if the movie is able to articulate something you always wanted to say, or always felt, but never knew exactly how to put it.

That's ADVENTURELAND.

We Three Kings of Orient Aren't

As I approached Wal-Mart with my old friend Levi and his brother, Luke, Levi said, "How's it feel to be the three coolest guys at Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve?"

"Not one of my finer moments," Luke said.

"Look, a phone booth," I said, pointing to the first phone booth I'd seen in a while. "And it's not being ironic or anything."

After browsing for a while, we were on our way out of the store when an older gentleman who was following us down the aisle spoke up.

"You look like the three wise men," he said.

I wasn't sure whether or not he was speaking to us so I continued walking.

"You look like the three wise men," he repeated. "You left the nativity scene unattended. You better get back to the manger."

Levi and I laughed nervously in half-acknowledgement.

When the man was gone, Luke said, "Did that guy just say we look like the three wise men?"

"Yes," I said. "He did."

I looked us over. Sure, there were three of us, and we're definitely men, and I guess you could even say we're all wise in one way or another. For instance, I'm a wise ass.

But, aside from that, I'm not sure what else made us look like the three wise men, presumably the ones of Biblical fame, though unless I'm mistaken the Bible never really decides how many dudes there are, or even if they're wise. But for whatever reason everyone decided there's three of them, and they're wise, and they're kings.

But, they're from the East. And me, Levi and Luke are three dudes from the West. Also, in many traditional portrayals, one of the wise men is almost always a token black man. Kind of like Winston in GHOSTBUSTERS. But there are four Ghostbusters and three wise men. Even in the movie, THREE KINGS, one of the dudes is black (Ice Cube) though I could never figure out which three of them are the three kings -- Clooney, Cube and Wahlberg? Does Spike Jonze count? Or are Cube, Wahlberg and Jonze the kings and Clooney is kind of like the leader of the Three Musketeers, of whom there were four?

I guess when you get right down to it there isn't that much that's Biblical about me, Levi and Luke except for our names.

Mine's Paul, by the way.

The Giant Kitty

All right, next up in my series of transcriptions of “films” I made when I was 12 – THE GIANT KITTY. I was inspired one afternoon after seeing a rerun of GROWING PAINS in which Ben Seaver gets his whole family to help him make a monster movie about an alligator they flushed down the toilet who came back for revenge. What follows is a transcript of the video that resulted, with some commentary along the way. I tried to keep all of the spelling errors from the title cards for authenticity.





THE GIANT KITTY

Production date 5/29-5/31/93

FADE IN

MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE

CUE MUSIC: Theme from “Phantom of the Opera”

NOTE: I was really into Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Phantom of the Opera” at the time. But hey, I was 12, it’s not like I’m one of those adults who thinks it’s awesome. When I was 6 I though “Howard the Duck” was the best film ever made.

(OPENING CREDITS are written in blood-red Mr. Sketch marker, on pieces of paper taped to quaint, flowery, wallpaper.)

TITLE CARD:

SOMEWHERE IN SPACE. . .

STOCK FOOTAGE

SPACE STATION FROM STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE

(Varying shots of a station floating in space, with space men flying around.)

NOTE: the voice of the space station commander, along with nearly every other voice, is played by yours truly. For the space station commander, I spoke in that bored, disinterested tone that pilots use.

SPACE STATION COMMANDER
USS Murray, do you read? This is Space Station Outpost 300. Yeah, we’ve spotted something really strange around here. In the Pacific Ocean. Heading somewhere near SanFrancisco. Yeah, you’re gonna laugh at this, but it looks like a giant cat.

EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN

(An aircraft carrier floats on the waves.)

NOTE: The Pacific Ocean was played by my family’s hot tub, and the aircraft carrier was played by the off-brand Micro Machines aircraft carrier I got for my birthday one year.

CAPTAIN OF USS MURRAY
This is USS Murray. We read. But we don’t see anything like a giant cat out here. Besides, don’t cats hate water?

STOCK FOOTAGE – KING KONG VS GODZILLA

(A Japanese crewman reads from a piece of paper.)

JAPANESE CREWMAN
(me doing voice over)
Here’s the facts on where the cat was headed – it’s heading for SanFrancisco – it should be in this area any time.

HYSTERICAL JAPANESE DUDE
(fainting)
Oh no, I see him!

EXT. USS MURRAY DECK

(A crewman sits on the deck. The deck is played by my hot tub’s lid. The crewman is played by my Han Solo action figure.)

HAN SOLO CREWMAN
I see him! I see him! Oh no!

(Suddenly my hand sweeps into view and knocks Han Solo into the water. Bubbles come to the surface, Han Solo makes horrible drowning noises.)

EXT PACIFIC OCEAN

(The aircraft carrier sinks while the GIANT KITTY lurks nearby.)

NOTE: The giant kitty is played by a Cowardly Lion action figure, in this instance.

CAPTAIN OF USS MURRAY
We’re going down!

STOCK FOOTAGE – KING KONG VS GODZILLA (again)

(A newsman reads the news.)

NEWS REPORTER
This may concern some of the Americans in America because this monster of a cat is headed towards SanFrancisco, California through the Pacific Ocean. We have a feeling that this is not the first casualty in its wake.

NOTE: Despite the voice over discussing California, the news reporter is clearly pointing to a map of Japan.

TITLE CARD

A SUBERB OF SANFRANCISCO

INT THE KID’S HOUSE - DINING ROOM

(The Kid (played by yours truly) sits at the dining room table, looking through a photo album. There are photos of him playing with his cat while wearing sweet Trail Blazers sweat pants, along with a photo of The Kid and his Dad visiting the Golden Gate Bridge.)

THE KID
(Sighs)
She was a good cat. Too bad she had to go and jump off the SanFrancisco bridge. Oh well.

(Suddenly the kid’s dad runs in)

DAD
(panicking)
On the news! They said there’s a giant cat coming! Run for your lives!

(He runs out)

KID
What?

(runs to front door, opens it)
STOCK FOOTAGE – TERMINATOR 2

(The T-1000 stands in the doorway.)

T-1000
Have you seen John Connor?

(The kid slams the door, screams, then runs down the hall to the garage door.)

NOTE: Yes, I stole that joke from “Wayne’s World.”

EXT DRIVEWAY

(Kid runs to car, gets in.)

KID
Oh well, I don’t know how to drive but – okay.

(Grabs mini tape recorder from passenger seat)

KID
Better check the portable radio.

(Turns on the tape recorder)

VOICE ON RADIO
-- Golden Gate Bridge –

KID
Oh well.

(throws tape player away, looks out window.)

NOTE: I think I had carefully recorded some radio commentary about the cat attacking the city, but when it came time to shoot the scene I had the tape cued wrong and messed it up. Apparently a second take wasn’t in order. In fact, most of the movie is messed up by timing – being 12, I either hit “record” one moment too late or turned the camera off one moment too soon in almost every scene, rendering a lot of the movie unintelligible. Since I was editing in camera as I went along, I only shot what I thought would be final cut.

KID
(looking out window)
Oh no, there it is!

(A furry ball of fluff flies through the window and the kid catches it)

KID
(in disgust)
Eew. Talk about hair ball.

(Throws the fur ball away.)

NOTE: The fur ball was played by this weird stuffed animal I had that was seemingly just a ball of fur. I could never figure it out. It was kind of like a Tribble, but it wasn’t a tribble. I don’t know what it was. It was weird.

TITLE CARD

US ARMY BASE

(A MASK action figure stands in for the GENERAL, against my bedroom door with an American Flag sticker on the wall behind him – bargain basement PATTON rip off.)

(The music is the part from TEMPLE OF DOOM where Indy saves all the kids in the mine.)

GENERAL
(voice over by me)
All right men. There’s a giant cat in SanFrancisco and someone’s gotta stop him, right? Well, we’re the ones for the job. This may be the toughest fight of your life, men, but I’m counting on you to rid the city of all giant felines. He’s heading for the bridge so be warned and be careful. Now, good luck to you all.

TITLE CARD

AT THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. . .

Note: Now, this scene was supposed to be the crux of the whole movie but it didn’t work out. Let me see if I can paint a picture for you. First, you might notice a preoccupation with SanFrancisco in this movie. Why? Am I from there? No. Maybe it was because they went there in my favorite movie at the time, STAR TREK IV. Maybe it was because I had recently been there on vacation myself. But most likely it was because I had a sweet Micro Machines city that included a bridge that look a lot like the Golden Gate Bridge, and it was the perfect size for me to get my cat, Shadow, to rampage through.

I figured, set up the camera, let the cat loose, and make cinematic history. In my excitement I forgot my cat was lazy, so it spent most of the time sitting around. You can see my mom sitting in the corner attempting to get the cat’s attention with a Micro Machines airplane tied to my bow and arrow string. My hands also come into view every now and then attempting to feed action figures to my cat. At one point you can hear my blue Conair phone ringing.

Finally, I give up and cut to. . .

STOCK FOOTAGE FROM TERMINATOR 2 (again)

(Shots of Los Angeles exploding during a nuclear attack.)

INT CAR

(The Kid stops “driving” (bouncing up and down in the seat) and gets out of the car, looking up.)

KID
Oh jees, that cat’s destroying this place. Wait a minute. That’s MY cat. The one that fell off the bridge and drowned and we haven’t seen her since. Great, I gotta call Dad!

NOTE: That was my GROWING PAINS homage. In the episode that inspired me, Ben and all the other characters kept referencing the alligator they flushed down the toilet “and haven’t seen since.”

KID
(runs towards house)
Maybe I can use their phone.

INT HOUSE

(Kid runs in. It’s clearly the same house he just left.)

KID
Where is everybody?

STOCK FOOTAGE – TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

(Several ninja bust through several windows.)

(I hit PAUSE on one Ninja and dub his voice.)

NINJA
Somebody call for the FBI Ninja Force? Wait a minute. Hey kid, what are you doing in here? You’re supposed to evacuate the city. Now we’re gonna have to fight you.

(I UNPAUSE the movie and the ninja goes through an impressive and intimidating display of his nunchuck skills.)

KID
Oh yeah? Well, I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve too!

(Kid pulls a Foxtail out of his sleeve.)

NOTE: Remember Foxtails? They were tennis ball-ish things with a rainbow colored streaming coming out from behind them. They came with a book of games you could play with them.

KID
Wait a minute, where’s my nunchucks?

CREW MEMBER
(my dad, from behind the camera)
Sorry, sir, that’s the best prop we could find.

(The Kid shrugs and awkwardly swings the Foxtail in an attempt to be menacing, hitting himself with it several times.)

BACK TO PAUSE-BUTTON NINJA

NINJA
I see you have a weapon, too. Why are you here?

KID
That’s my cat out there destroying the city!

NOTE: At this point you can hear my mom in the kitchen doing the dishes. Clink, clank.

NINJA
Oh it is, is it? Well you better call it off, because we’re about to all die here.

KID
Okay, okay. I’m trying my best. I just gotta stop her somehow.

NINJA
Listen – the general will get you a plane. Is that okay?

PAUL
Sounds great.

EXT SKY

(A Matchbox jet flies through the sky.)

JET PILOT
Okay, we’re coming in on the cat. Prepare to parachute out.

EXT SKY

(The Kid parachutes out of the plane.)

NOTE: This was accomplished by having me stand against a white wall, waving my hands in the hair, standing on the couch. The couch was supposed to remain out of shot but the camera man pans down at one point, revealing everything. Thanks a lot, mom or dad. I’m wearing my sister’s leather bomber jacket, a winter scarf, winter gloves, a pair of swimming goggles and a backpack. My good old Jansport. We went through a lot together until I eventually puked on it in college and threw it away.

KID
Oh, oh, there’s the cat down there! I better let out my parachute so I can land on her! Hey! Hey, cat! Up here! Oh, I’m about to land.

STOCK FOOTAGE

OLD BATMAN SERIAL

(Black and white footage of a guy parachuting)

QUICK CUT

(My cat, Shadow, looks up into the camera.)

CUT TO

TIGHT ANGLE – THE CAT’S BACK

(Kid lands on the cat’s back.)

NOTE: This is an action figure on the back of one of my stuffed animals.

KID
Hey kitty. Remember me? Your old owner? Please stop rampaging through the city. Please, you’re destroying everything. Just go back in the ocean where you came from.

ANGLE ON

CAT WALKING AWAY

KID
She’s going away! Into the ocean. Goodbye kitty. There she goes, into the unknown.

(Shot of my cat, Shadow, wandering around my bedroom.)

TITLE CARD

US ARMY AWARD CERAMONY

(The general presents an award to the Kid. This time, instead of being played by an action figure, the general is played by my Dad, wearing a blue blazer and a t-shirt. I have my hair parted to one side, instead of straight down over my forehead, I guess to show that I dressed up for the ceremony)

GENERAL
For your bravery in leading the giant cat away from our fair city, I present you with this medal of honor.

PAUL
Thanks, General!

NOTE: I re-watched this scene to see if I could tell what prop I used for the award, but I couldn’t figure it out. Oh well.

CUT TO

TITLE CARD

THE END. . . .

INSERT

PHOTO

(I cut and pasted together a photo of my car looming above the ocean, the old fashioned way. It actually looked pretty sweet.)

TITLE CARD

OR SO WE THOUGHT

ROLL END CREDITS

Back in 6th grade I was so proud of this movie I actually brought it to class and made my homeroom watch it. For some reason my teacher let me. Sorry, everyone.

Kid in Shining Armor

When I was home for Thanksgiving, my mom had me dig through a couple bags of VHS video tapes to see what was okay to throw away and what wasn't. I came across one tape with several short movies my friends and I made in junior high school and reviewed it tonight. I've decided to transcribe the videos into screenplay format. The screenplays might not do them justice, but I'll make sure to include notes in an attempt to get the full experience across to the reader.

First up, a flick we shot for a school project, though I'm afraid it has basically nothing in the way of educational material:

(Note: the feature presentation is preceded by a video of my sister and one of her friends conducting an experiment on mice for school. The mice are running through a maze, first with Red Hot Chili Peppers blasting, then with no music at all, and finally with classical music playing. Unfortunately, we don't find out the result of this experiment as the video abruptly and unexplainedly cuts to my sister and the same friend on a mini-golf course checking out dudes. Then, our feature presentation begins)

KID IN SHINING ARMOR

production date 2/13/93, from 4:01 to 5:51

INT. CODY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

(Junior high schooler, Cody, is studying at his desk.)

(Suddenly he throws off his head phones and slams his text book in disgust.)

CODY
Three hours and I still don't know what the code of chiva-- chiv -- WHATEVER -- is.

(He puts his head down on the desk and falls asleep.)

CUT TO

EXT FIELD -- DAY

(Cody is lying in the grass. He sits up, confused.)

CODY
Where am I?

(A paige boy in medieval dress approaches (played by yours truly).)

(Note: I'm wearing a pair of my sister's boots with fuzzy trim around the tops, black tights, also probably belonging to my sister, and an oversized white t-shirt cinched at the waist by a clunky belt. I have a canteen over one shoulder and my fibreglass long bow over the other. Levi and I both sport bowl-cuts and appear to be chewing large amounts of gum.)

PAIGE
What art thou doing on the land of Lord Burch?

CODY
Don't ask me.

PAIGE
What are you eating?

CODY
It's gum. Here, try it.

(He pulls out a piece and hands it to the paige.)

PAIGE
(examines gum)
Hmm.

CODY
You chew it.

(Paige sticks the gum in his mouth and chews.)

PAIGE
It's good!

(He over-exageratedly swallows, then holds out his hand.)

PAIGE
Can I have another piece?

CODY
No, that was my last piece. Sorry.

(Cody blows a bubble.)

PAIGE
You must be a magician if you can do that. We don't allow magicians around here. I'm going to go warn the lord!

(Paige runs off.)

(Cody shrugs.)

ABRUPT CUT

NEW ANGLE ON FIELD

(Suddenly, Lord Burch appears behind Cody, leading his horse by the reigns and carrying a menacing axe.)

(Note: As I recall, one of the major reasons we shot the movie at Sam's house, aside from the fact that it was in the country so it was a good setting, was because his family had horses. So, it was a good way to get some killer production value, having a real live horse in a medieval time travel flick. Unfortunately Sam wasn't too comfortable with the horse, so he wouldn't ride it, and although he led it around by its reigns, he tried to keep several feet between himself and the horse, and any time it came near him he took a few steps away.)

LORD BURCH
What art thou doing on the lord's land?

CODY
Uh. . .

LORD BURCH
You are on our land.

CODY
So?

LORD BURCH
Where's my paige?

CODY
Paige?

LORD BURCH
Okay, my squire.

CODY
Uh. . . I don't know. He ran off.

LORD BURCH
Why?

CODY
I don't know. I just blew a bubble, and he left.

LORD BURCH
Why did he leave from your bubble?

CODY
Don't ask me.

LORD BURCH
What did he say?

CODY
I don't know.

LORD BURCH
You look like some kind of sorcerer or magician to me.

CODY
I was just chewing gum.

LORD BURCH
You will be executed at high noon tomorrow. We do not allow magicians on here. That is final.

CUT TO

EXT PRISON TOWER -- DAY

(Cody holds onto the bars, looking out the window, still chewing an ass load of gum.)

CODY
I don't wanna die! No!

(Suddenly, with much grunting and effort, the Paige climbs into view.)

CODY
Huh?

PAIGE
Hi. Remember me?

CODY
Uh. . . yeah.

PAIGE
Listen -- I know you're not really a magician. 'Cause you're too young 'n' stuff. And I've never seen a magician as young as you. And I know you're not evil, 'cause you don't act evil. You may wear some weird clothes 'n' stuff but that doesn't mean anything. So, tomorrow, I'm going to rescue you before you get your head chopped off. 'Kay?

CODY
Thank you!

PAIGE
You're welcome. By the way, do they feed you anything here?

CODY
Nothing.

PAIGE
I brought some water, if you're thirsty.

CODY
Yeah, now that you mention it.

(The Paige goes to get his water bottle, but in doing so lets go of the prison tower with both hands and falls out of frame, screaming.)

CUT TO

EXT EXECUTION STUMP - DAY

(Cody kneels with his hands behind his back.)

(Lord Burch approaches with his axe.)

LORD BURCH
Get your head on the stump!

(Cody puts his head on the stump.)

LORD BURCH
You have any last words to say before I behead you?

PAIGE
(off screen)
Stop!

(Cody and Lord Burch look around in confusion.)

(Cody takes advantage of the confusion to run away.)

ABRUPT CUT

NEW ANGLE -- EXECUTION STUMP

(Lord Burch is confronted by his Paige.)

LORD BURCH
Why have you broken the code of chivalry!

PAIGE
Because, after seeing what you do to innocent people, I don't want to be a knight anymore.

LORD BURCH
What makes you think he's so innocent.

PAIGE
Because he's too young to be a magician. Now, prepare to eat -- taste the bite of my arrow.

(Paige pulls back the string on his bow.)

LORD BURCH
What arrow?

PAIGE
Oh, uh -- I knew I forgot something --

(Paige lowers his bow and runs.)

(Lord Burch runs after him and corners him at a tree.)

LORD BURCH
I'll get you!

(He takes a swing with his axe and misses, hitting the tree instead.)

LORD BURCH
I'm gonna let you live this time. But you have been banned from this kingdom. You've been banned from knighthood. You'll never be allowed in this land again. Now go.

(Paige runs off.)

CUT TO

NEW ANGLE -- WOODS

(Cody wanders through the woods, hands in his pockets, looking at the ground.)

(Paige catches up to him, out of breath.)

PAIGE
There you are! He let me go.

CODY
Thanks for saving me.

PAIGE
All in a day's work. But, I had to break the code of chivalry and now I can never become a night.

CODY
Oh! That was it! Chiv -- chivalry!

PAIGE
Huh?

CODY
Nevermind. It's an inside joke.

PAIGE
Well, all right. Well, I'll be, uh -- out of this kingodm. 'Cause I'm banned. So, see ya.

(Paige wanders off.)

CODY
(To himself.)
However will I get back home?

CUT TO

NEW ANGLE -- WOODS

(Lord Burch suddenly appears and attacks.)

LORD BURCH
I've found you! You've escaped!

(He takes a mighty swing with his axe as Cody cowers and suddenly -- )

CUT TO

INT CODY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

(Cody wakes up from his dream.)

(His brother stands over his shoulder, shaking him awake -- it's THE SAME ACTOR WHO PLAYED LORD BURCH!!)

BROTHER
Hey Cody! Cody, wake up.

CODY
(startled)
It's you!

BROTHER
Hey, chill man. Hey, you know what, I just saw this really awesome movie preview about this kid who goes back in time and meets this squire and a paige and this evil lord who wants to chop off his head because he thinks he's a magician. Oh yeah, and they say it's based on a true story, too. Oh yeah, dad says it's time to go to bed, so I'm gonna go brush my teeth. Good night.

(Brother exits. Cody flops on his bed, exhausted.)

THE END