The Giant Kitty

All right, next up in my series of transcriptions of “films” I made when I was 12 – THE GIANT KITTY. I was inspired one afternoon after seeing a rerun of GROWING PAINS in which Ben Seaver gets his whole family to help him make a monster movie about an alligator they flushed down the toilet who came back for revenge. What follows is a transcript of the video that resulted, with some commentary along the way. I tried to keep all of the spelling errors from the title cards for authenticity.





THE GIANT KITTY

Production date 5/29-5/31/93

FADE IN

MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE

CUE MUSIC: Theme from “Phantom of the Opera”

NOTE: I was really into Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Phantom of the Opera” at the time. But hey, I was 12, it’s not like I’m one of those adults who thinks it’s awesome. When I was 6 I though “Howard the Duck” was the best film ever made.

(OPENING CREDITS are written in blood-red Mr. Sketch marker, on pieces of paper taped to quaint, flowery, wallpaper.)

TITLE CARD:

SOMEWHERE IN SPACE. . .

STOCK FOOTAGE

SPACE STATION FROM STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE

(Varying shots of a station floating in space, with space men flying around.)

NOTE: the voice of the space station commander, along with nearly every other voice, is played by yours truly. For the space station commander, I spoke in that bored, disinterested tone that pilots use.

SPACE STATION COMMANDER
USS Murray, do you read? This is Space Station Outpost 300. Yeah, we’ve spotted something really strange around here. In the Pacific Ocean. Heading somewhere near SanFrancisco. Yeah, you’re gonna laugh at this, but it looks like a giant cat.

EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN

(An aircraft carrier floats on the waves.)

NOTE: The Pacific Ocean was played by my family’s hot tub, and the aircraft carrier was played by the off-brand Micro Machines aircraft carrier I got for my birthday one year.

CAPTAIN OF USS MURRAY
This is USS Murray. We read. But we don’t see anything like a giant cat out here. Besides, don’t cats hate water?

STOCK FOOTAGE – KING KONG VS GODZILLA

(A Japanese crewman reads from a piece of paper.)

JAPANESE CREWMAN
(me doing voice over)
Here’s the facts on where the cat was headed – it’s heading for SanFrancisco – it should be in this area any time.

HYSTERICAL JAPANESE DUDE
(fainting)
Oh no, I see him!

EXT. USS MURRAY DECK

(A crewman sits on the deck. The deck is played by my hot tub’s lid. The crewman is played by my Han Solo action figure.)

HAN SOLO CREWMAN
I see him! I see him! Oh no!

(Suddenly my hand sweeps into view and knocks Han Solo into the water. Bubbles come to the surface, Han Solo makes horrible drowning noises.)

EXT PACIFIC OCEAN

(The aircraft carrier sinks while the GIANT KITTY lurks nearby.)

NOTE: The giant kitty is played by a Cowardly Lion action figure, in this instance.

CAPTAIN OF USS MURRAY
We’re going down!

STOCK FOOTAGE – KING KONG VS GODZILLA (again)

(A newsman reads the news.)

NEWS REPORTER
This may concern some of the Americans in America because this monster of a cat is headed towards SanFrancisco, California through the Pacific Ocean. We have a feeling that this is not the first casualty in its wake.

NOTE: Despite the voice over discussing California, the news reporter is clearly pointing to a map of Japan.

TITLE CARD

A SUBERB OF SANFRANCISCO

INT THE KID’S HOUSE - DINING ROOM

(The Kid (played by yours truly) sits at the dining room table, looking through a photo album. There are photos of him playing with his cat while wearing sweet Trail Blazers sweat pants, along with a photo of The Kid and his Dad visiting the Golden Gate Bridge.)

THE KID
(Sighs)
She was a good cat. Too bad she had to go and jump off the SanFrancisco bridge. Oh well.

(Suddenly the kid’s dad runs in)

DAD
(panicking)
On the news! They said there’s a giant cat coming! Run for your lives!

(He runs out)

KID
What?

(runs to front door, opens it)
STOCK FOOTAGE – TERMINATOR 2

(The T-1000 stands in the doorway.)

T-1000
Have you seen John Connor?

(The kid slams the door, screams, then runs down the hall to the garage door.)

NOTE: Yes, I stole that joke from “Wayne’s World.”

EXT DRIVEWAY

(Kid runs to car, gets in.)

KID
Oh well, I don’t know how to drive but – okay.

(Grabs mini tape recorder from passenger seat)

KID
Better check the portable radio.

(Turns on the tape recorder)

VOICE ON RADIO
-- Golden Gate Bridge –

KID
Oh well.

(throws tape player away, looks out window.)

NOTE: I think I had carefully recorded some radio commentary about the cat attacking the city, but when it came time to shoot the scene I had the tape cued wrong and messed it up. Apparently a second take wasn’t in order. In fact, most of the movie is messed up by timing – being 12, I either hit “record” one moment too late or turned the camera off one moment too soon in almost every scene, rendering a lot of the movie unintelligible. Since I was editing in camera as I went along, I only shot what I thought would be final cut.

KID
(looking out window)
Oh no, there it is!

(A furry ball of fluff flies through the window and the kid catches it)

KID
(in disgust)
Eew. Talk about hair ball.

(Throws the fur ball away.)

NOTE: The fur ball was played by this weird stuffed animal I had that was seemingly just a ball of fur. I could never figure it out. It was kind of like a Tribble, but it wasn’t a tribble. I don’t know what it was. It was weird.

TITLE CARD

US ARMY BASE

(A MASK action figure stands in for the GENERAL, against my bedroom door with an American Flag sticker on the wall behind him – bargain basement PATTON rip off.)

(The music is the part from TEMPLE OF DOOM where Indy saves all the kids in the mine.)

GENERAL
(voice over by me)
All right men. There’s a giant cat in SanFrancisco and someone’s gotta stop him, right? Well, we’re the ones for the job. This may be the toughest fight of your life, men, but I’m counting on you to rid the city of all giant felines. He’s heading for the bridge so be warned and be careful. Now, good luck to you all.

TITLE CARD

AT THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. . .

Note: Now, this scene was supposed to be the crux of the whole movie but it didn’t work out. Let me see if I can paint a picture for you. First, you might notice a preoccupation with SanFrancisco in this movie. Why? Am I from there? No. Maybe it was because they went there in my favorite movie at the time, STAR TREK IV. Maybe it was because I had recently been there on vacation myself. But most likely it was because I had a sweet Micro Machines city that included a bridge that look a lot like the Golden Gate Bridge, and it was the perfect size for me to get my cat, Shadow, to rampage through.

I figured, set up the camera, let the cat loose, and make cinematic history. In my excitement I forgot my cat was lazy, so it spent most of the time sitting around. You can see my mom sitting in the corner attempting to get the cat’s attention with a Micro Machines airplane tied to my bow and arrow string. My hands also come into view every now and then attempting to feed action figures to my cat. At one point you can hear my blue Conair phone ringing.

Finally, I give up and cut to. . .

STOCK FOOTAGE FROM TERMINATOR 2 (again)

(Shots of Los Angeles exploding during a nuclear attack.)

INT CAR

(The Kid stops “driving” (bouncing up and down in the seat) and gets out of the car, looking up.)

KID
Oh jees, that cat’s destroying this place. Wait a minute. That’s MY cat. The one that fell off the bridge and drowned and we haven’t seen her since. Great, I gotta call Dad!

NOTE: That was my GROWING PAINS homage. In the episode that inspired me, Ben and all the other characters kept referencing the alligator they flushed down the toilet “and haven’t seen since.”

KID
(runs towards house)
Maybe I can use their phone.

INT HOUSE

(Kid runs in. It’s clearly the same house he just left.)

KID
Where is everybody?

STOCK FOOTAGE – TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

(Several ninja bust through several windows.)

(I hit PAUSE on one Ninja and dub his voice.)

NINJA
Somebody call for the FBI Ninja Force? Wait a minute. Hey kid, what are you doing in here? You’re supposed to evacuate the city. Now we’re gonna have to fight you.

(I UNPAUSE the movie and the ninja goes through an impressive and intimidating display of his nunchuck skills.)

KID
Oh yeah? Well, I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve too!

(Kid pulls a Foxtail out of his sleeve.)

NOTE: Remember Foxtails? They were tennis ball-ish things with a rainbow colored streaming coming out from behind them. They came with a book of games you could play with them.

KID
Wait a minute, where’s my nunchucks?

CREW MEMBER
(my dad, from behind the camera)
Sorry, sir, that’s the best prop we could find.

(The Kid shrugs and awkwardly swings the Foxtail in an attempt to be menacing, hitting himself with it several times.)

BACK TO PAUSE-BUTTON NINJA

NINJA
I see you have a weapon, too. Why are you here?

KID
That’s my cat out there destroying the city!

NOTE: At this point you can hear my mom in the kitchen doing the dishes. Clink, clank.

NINJA
Oh it is, is it? Well you better call it off, because we’re about to all die here.

KID
Okay, okay. I’m trying my best. I just gotta stop her somehow.

NINJA
Listen – the general will get you a plane. Is that okay?

PAUL
Sounds great.

EXT SKY

(A Matchbox jet flies through the sky.)

JET PILOT
Okay, we’re coming in on the cat. Prepare to parachute out.

EXT SKY

(The Kid parachutes out of the plane.)

NOTE: This was accomplished by having me stand against a white wall, waving my hands in the hair, standing on the couch. The couch was supposed to remain out of shot but the camera man pans down at one point, revealing everything. Thanks a lot, mom or dad. I’m wearing my sister’s leather bomber jacket, a winter scarf, winter gloves, a pair of swimming goggles and a backpack. My good old Jansport. We went through a lot together until I eventually puked on it in college and threw it away.

KID
Oh, oh, there’s the cat down there! I better let out my parachute so I can land on her! Hey! Hey, cat! Up here! Oh, I’m about to land.

STOCK FOOTAGE

OLD BATMAN SERIAL

(Black and white footage of a guy parachuting)

QUICK CUT

(My cat, Shadow, looks up into the camera.)

CUT TO

TIGHT ANGLE – THE CAT’S BACK

(Kid lands on the cat’s back.)

NOTE: This is an action figure on the back of one of my stuffed animals.

KID
Hey kitty. Remember me? Your old owner? Please stop rampaging through the city. Please, you’re destroying everything. Just go back in the ocean where you came from.

ANGLE ON

CAT WALKING AWAY

KID
She’s going away! Into the ocean. Goodbye kitty. There she goes, into the unknown.

(Shot of my cat, Shadow, wandering around my bedroom.)

TITLE CARD

US ARMY AWARD CERAMONY

(The general presents an award to the Kid. This time, instead of being played by an action figure, the general is played by my Dad, wearing a blue blazer and a t-shirt. I have my hair parted to one side, instead of straight down over my forehead, I guess to show that I dressed up for the ceremony)

GENERAL
For your bravery in leading the giant cat away from our fair city, I present you with this medal of honor.

PAUL
Thanks, General!

NOTE: I re-watched this scene to see if I could tell what prop I used for the award, but I couldn’t figure it out. Oh well.

CUT TO

TITLE CARD

THE END. . . .

INSERT

PHOTO

(I cut and pasted together a photo of my car looming above the ocean, the old fashioned way. It actually looked pretty sweet.)

TITLE CARD

OR SO WE THOUGHT

ROLL END CREDITS

Back in 6th grade I was so proud of this movie I actually brought it to class and made my homeroom watch it. For some reason my teacher let me. Sorry, everyone.