Kid in Shining Armor

When I was home for Thanksgiving, my mom had me dig through a couple bags of VHS video tapes to see what was okay to throw away and what wasn't. I came across one tape with several short movies my friends and I made in junior high school and reviewed it tonight. I've decided to transcribe the videos into screenplay format. The screenplays might not do them justice, but I'll make sure to include notes in an attempt to get the full experience across to the reader.

First up, a flick we shot for a school project, though I'm afraid it has basically nothing in the way of educational material:

(Note: the feature presentation is preceded by a video of my sister and one of her friends conducting an experiment on mice for school. The mice are running through a maze, first with Red Hot Chili Peppers blasting, then with no music at all, and finally with classical music playing. Unfortunately, we don't find out the result of this experiment as the video abruptly and unexplainedly cuts to my sister and the same friend on a mini-golf course checking out dudes. Then, our feature presentation begins)

KID IN SHINING ARMOR

production date 2/13/93, from 4:01 to 5:51

INT. CODY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

(Junior high schooler, Cody, is studying at his desk.)

(Suddenly he throws off his head phones and slams his text book in disgust.)

CODY
Three hours and I still don't know what the code of chiva-- chiv -- WHATEVER -- is.

(He puts his head down on the desk and falls asleep.)

CUT TO

EXT FIELD -- DAY

(Cody is lying in the grass. He sits up, confused.)

CODY
Where am I?

(A paige boy in medieval dress approaches (played by yours truly).)

(Note: I'm wearing a pair of my sister's boots with fuzzy trim around the tops, black tights, also probably belonging to my sister, and an oversized white t-shirt cinched at the waist by a clunky belt. I have a canteen over one shoulder and my fibreglass long bow over the other. Levi and I both sport bowl-cuts and appear to be chewing large amounts of gum.)

PAIGE
What art thou doing on the land of Lord Burch?

CODY
Don't ask me.

PAIGE
What are you eating?

CODY
It's gum. Here, try it.

(He pulls out a piece and hands it to the paige.)

PAIGE
(examines gum)
Hmm.

CODY
You chew it.

(Paige sticks the gum in his mouth and chews.)

PAIGE
It's good!

(He over-exageratedly swallows, then holds out his hand.)

PAIGE
Can I have another piece?

CODY
No, that was my last piece. Sorry.

(Cody blows a bubble.)

PAIGE
You must be a magician if you can do that. We don't allow magicians around here. I'm going to go warn the lord!

(Paige runs off.)

(Cody shrugs.)

ABRUPT CUT

NEW ANGLE ON FIELD

(Suddenly, Lord Burch appears behind Cody, leading his horse by the reigns and carrying a menacing axe.)

(Note: As I recall, one of the major reasons we shot the movie at Sam's house, aside from the fact that it was in the country so it was a good setting, was because his family had horses. So, it was a good way to get some killer production value, having a real live horse in a medieval time travel flick. Unfortunately Sam wasn't too comfortable with the horse, so he wouldn't ride it, and although he led it around by its reigns, he tried to keep several feet between himself and the horse, and any time it came near him he took a few steps away.)

LORD BURCH
What art thou doing on the lord's land?

CODY
Uh. . .

LORD BURCH
You are on our land.

CODY
So?

LORD BURCH
Where's my paige?

CODY
Paige?

LORD BURCH
Okay, my squire.

CODY
Uh. . . I don't know. He ran off.

LORD BURCH
Why?

CODY
I don't know. I just blew a bubble, and he left.

LORD BURCH
Why did he leave from your bubble?

CODY
Don't ask me.

LORD BURCH
What did he say?

CODY
I don't know.

LORD BURCH
You look like some kind of sorcerer or magician to me.

CODY
I was just chewing gum.

LORD BURCH
You will be executed at high noon tomorrow. We do not allow magicians on here. That is final.

CUT TO

EXT PRISON TOWER -- DAY

(Cody holds onto the bars, looking out the window, still chewing an ass load of gum.)

CODY
I don't wanna die! No!

(Suddenly, with much grunting and effort, the Paige climbs into view.)

CODY
Huh?

PAIGE
Hi. Remember me?

CODY
Uh. . . yeah.

PAIGE
Listen -- I know you're not really a magician. 'Cause you're too young 'n' stuff. And I've never seen a magician as young as you. And I know you're not evil, 'cause you don't act evil. You may wear some weird clothes 'n' stuff but that doesn't mean anything. So, tomorrow, I'm going to rescue you before you get your head chopped off. 'Kay?

CODY
Thank you!

PAIGE
You're welcome. By the way, do they feed you anything here?

CODY
Nothing.

PAIGE
I brought some water, if you're thirsty.

CODY
Yeah, now that you mention it.

(The Paige goes to get his water bottle, but in doing so lets go of the prison tower with both hands and falls out of frame, screaming.)

CUT TO

EXT EXECUTION STUMP - DAY

(Cody kneels with his hands behind his back.)

(Lord Burch approaches with his axe.)

LORD BURCH
Get your head on the stump!

(Cody puts his head on the stump.)

LORD BURCH
You have any last words to say before I behead you?

PAIGE
(off screen)
Stop!

(Cody and Lord Burch look around in confusion.)

(Cody takes advantage of the confusion to run away.)

ABRUPT CUT

NEW ANGLE -- EXECUTION STUMP

(Lord Burch is confronted by his Paige.)

LORD BURCH
Why have you broken the code of chivalry!

PAIGE
Because, after seeing what you do to innocent people, I don't want to be a knight anymore.

LORD BURCH
What makes you think he's so innocent.

PAIGE
Because he's too young to be a magician. Now, prepare to eat -- taste the bite of my arrow.

(Paige pulls back the string on his bow.)

LORD BURCH
What arrow?

PAIGE
Oh, uh -- I knew I forgot something --

(Paige lowers his bow and runs.)

(Lord Burch runs after him and corners him at a tree.)

LORD BURCH
I'll get you!

(He takes a swing with his axe and misses, hitting the tree instead.)

LORD BURCH
I'm gonna let you live this time. But you have been banned from this kingdom. You've been banned from knighthood. You'll never be allowed in this land again. Now go.

(Paige runs off.)

CUT TO

NEW ANGLE -- WOODS

(Cody wanders through the woods, hands in his pockets, looking at the ground.)

(Paige catches up to him, out of breath.)

PAIGE
There you are! He let me go.

CODY
Thanks for saving me.

PAIGE
All in a day's work. But, I had to break the code of chivalry and now I can never become a night.

CODY
Oh! That was it! Chiv -- chivalry!

PAIGE
Huh?

CODY
Nevermind. It's an inside joke.

PAIGE
Well, all right. Well, I'll be, uh -- out of this kingodm. 'Cause I'm banned. So, see ya.

(Paige wanders off.)

CODY
(To himself.)
However will I get back home?

CUT TO

NEW ANGLE -- WOODS

(Lord Burch suddenly appears and attacks.)

LORD BURCH
I've found you! You've escaped!

(He takes a mighty swing with his axe as Cody cowers and suddenly -- )

CUT TO

INT CODY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

(Cody wakes up from his dream.)

(His brother stands over his shoulder, shaking him awake -- it's THE SAME ACTOR WHO PLAYED LORD BURCH!!)

BROTHER
Hey Cody! Cody, wake up.

CODY
(startled)
It's you!

BROTHER
Hey, chill man. Hey, you know what, I just saw this really awesome movie preview about this kid who goes back in time and meets this squire and a paige and this evil lord who wants to chop off his head because he thinks he's a magician. Oh yeah, and they say it's based on a true story, too. Oh yeah, dad says it's time to go to bed, so I'm gonna go brush my teeth. Good night.

(Brother exits. Cody flops on his bed, exhausted.)

THE END