Things people wrote in my yearbooks

When I was in middle school I think I was a little more into stuff like signing year books than maybe some of my friends were. I think it's partly because I had an older sibling who had already gone through middle school, so I kind of had a romanticized idea of what to expect -- an idea of what is "supposed" to happen.

But, that's also because I loved "The Wonder Years" and fancied myself a little 1990s version of Kevin Arnold. Who can forget the episode where he fills a whole page of Winnie's yearbook with meaningful, heartfelt confessions only to have her write, "Have a nice summer," or something like that, in return? Yes, I realize Kevin Arnold's an asshole and that was meant as a cautionary tale, but I couldn't help it. I was a romantic.

I dug out my middle school year books today and started reading the stuff people had written in them. There was a lot of typical stuff like "Have a good summer" and "Don't change" but there were also some amusing, weird and unique ones. Most of them refer to obscure inside jokes or nicknames that were often the only things I had in common with the people I shared classes with, so they don't make sense out of context. But some stand on their own.

Here are the best ones, with parenthetical commentary:

"I heart your singing. Ha! Ha!"

(Something tells me she was busting chops)

"Don't worry, I won't bug you during Baywatch anymore."

(More chop busting, but still a nice gesture)

"You're a great friend. I hope to play with you."

(Oops. This guy hadn't learned you're supposed to "hang out" in middle school, not "play")

"Hi Paul. Ask out Mary again."

(No thanks. Instead I backed into her Mustang)

"I guess I'll see you really soon so I won't write anything really stupid."

"I'm writing upside down because I'm cooler than you."

(This guy was not cooler than me)

"You're not loud."

(The person who wrote this WAS loud)

"Keep up the typing."

(I took this advice)

"You are soooo funny and sooo annoying. But I like you anyway."

(Owch)

"Grow up. J/J, you know I love you. Well, in this very remote way."

(Owch, again)

"Of all the souls I've encountered, yours was the most. . . human."

(Nice. Star Trek II reference)

"You R really funny and you're a good drawer. The only time you are an asshole is when you and David get together and rip on me."

(See? I wasn't so bad)

"You don't know what you have until it's gone. Those are my words of wisdom."

(A little ominous for an 8th grader)

"Maybe we could like. . . go hay riding or something."

(We never went on that hay ride. . .)

"My dad doesn't hate you."

(Code for, "My dad hates you.")

"This year was great. Like totally for sure."

(Or something)

"Have a great summer. Call me some time you stud man."

(What's with these girls and all their chop busting?)

And the best one:

"I can't say have a good Summer because it IS Summer. Well, never forget that I am going to come by your house when you're 40 and ask for directions. Then you will try to tell me where but never really tell me so you'll have to ride to the bridge with me and then I will offer you a smoke and you will hold it forever in your hand. You know the rest. Don't go chasing waterfalls. You have to do the DARE!"

Ah, nothing like obscure "Bridges of Madison County" references. But, what dare am I supposed to do? I forget.

Kill Spam Day

If Hawaiians love Spam so much, what do they call shitty e-mail?

Do they name it after something useless and shitty that they hate?

Like Haole?

I'm a Conformist (Yellow)

Today I saw a dude with a tattoo that said "Conformity is Insanity."

He was wearing a "live strong" bracelet.

At first I thought that was ironic but then I realized he was being a non-conformist since living strong isn't trendy anymore.

Cliche

I saw a dog peeing on a fire hydrant today.

I was like, "Dude. That's so cliche."

Porn 'n' Chicken

Whenever I buy Kentucky Fried Chicken, I'm ashamed to carry it from my car to my apartment in its big embarrassing clearly labeled bag.

They should put it in a brown paper bag or, if it has to be plastic, a black one so you can't see through it. Kind of like they do in porno shops.

I mean, like I imagine they do in porno shops.

Where have all the Yasmine Bleeths gone?

When I was in my early teens, BAYWATCH was enjoying its most popular years on television. It was syndicated, so even a kid without cable, like me, could enjoy it.

The chick everyone talked about who has become synonymous with the whole BAYWATCH phenomenon was Pamela Anderson, who played CJ Parker, but I always liked the "other girl" better -- whoever it happened to be. Anderson was too pre-packaged, too much of a classic "babe." The hair was too big, it was too blonde. The boobs were too big, they were too tan. And possibly most annoying of all, the character of CJ was an airhead who believed in all kinds of crazy superstitions. Don't get me wrong -- it's not as if I was repulsed by her. I mean, I was 14. Still, I always preferred whoever they put up in contrast to her.

First, I preferred Nicole Eggert, who played Summer Quinn. It helped that I had a crush on her left over from CHARLES IN CHARGE. But, she was also just more accessible than Pamela Anderson. Especially the first season Eggert was on the show. She was flat chested, played a younger girl just training to become a life guard, who lived in a trailer with her mom. Instead of dwelling on the magic of alternative medicine and stuff like that, she had practical concerns like. . . uh. . . her crippling fear of heights, for instance. Or, her struggles to make ends meet with her single mom. In my dumb teenage mind I thought "This girl is attainable! She's no pipe dream like CJ Parker! She's the real deal!"

So, I liked her more. Little did I know that very soon she'd be replaced by an even greater beauty -- Yasmine Bleeth, who played Caroline Holden.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me just point out that my Eggert fantasy was dashed when she got implants, became a full time life guard, moved out of the trailer, and started dating Kelly Slater. She went from super hot girl next door to the poor man's CJ Parker overnight. And that was the end for us.

Anyway, this whole time there was a third chick on the show who was the token "opposite" chick -- her whole job was to be the opposite of Summer and CJ, so, when you're 14, you don't even think about her. This was Stephanie Holden, played by Alexandra Paul. She was athletic instead of curvy, had no implants to speak of, had brown hair instead of blonde, and it was cut short and boyish instead of long and fluffy and Playboyish. She was the practical one with feminist ideals. Or, at least, ideals that seemed feministy compared to the rest of the show.

When they were phasing Summer out of the show, they brought in Stephanie's sister -- Caroline Holden. She was a shorter, curvier, less serious and more exotic version of her sister. Her brown hair still stood out in contrast to CJ's blonde, and her body, while voluptuous, still managed to come off as somewhat more natural than CJ's. And, though the character was dumber than her sister Stephanie, she was still a genius compared to CJ. This was Yasmine Bleeth.

With Summer first artificially inflated and then ditched from the show, my affections turned towards Yasmine. Around age 15 if you would have asked me who the hottest chick on the planet was, I would have said Yasmine Bleeth.

I started clipping pictures of her out of magazines and creating a special corner of my gigantic wall collage specifically dedicated to Yasmine. I even bought a poster of her wearing a blue swimsuit somewhat reminiscent of lingerie but I was too ashamed to put it up on my bedroom wall so it stayed rolled up in my closet until halfway through college when I decided it would be ironically hilarious to hang it up in my bathroom over the toilet.

What was so appealing about her? At the risk of sounding like a total pig (too late!), I will try to explain it. I guess it was a combination of her looking somewhat exotic while also being healthily voluptuous. Despite her killer body, you didn't get the impression that she was super fake and she wasn't deathly skinny like all the models of the time. She actually had hips, which somehow made her huge breasts okay. She was a brunette, which made her tan look real. Her body matched itself. There was a symmetry there lacking in a lot of other so-called sex symbols who were, and still are, built on dramatic bodily mood swings -- girls with no hips but giant breasts -- bright white hair contrasted with dark brown skin. Parts that don't seem to match.

And the way those eye brows arched, and that button nose. Sheesh.

There was a stretch where Yasmine seemed like she might be one of the only BAYWATCH girls to break the stigma and move on to other more respectable things, but it wasn't meant to be. She hit the wrong side of the tabloids a couple times for drug related problems and then faded from the acting scene only to be replaced by a revolving door of soulless plastic CJ wannabes like Carmen Electra, Gena Lee Nolin and Donna D'Erico.

Then again, it should be noted that in some show of self respect, Yasmine has remained one of the only BAYWATCH girls not to turn up naked anywhere, whether in officially sanctioned B-movies and magazine photo shoots, or in stolen sex tapes. I defy you to find any Yasmine nudity on the internet.

If you can, you're a better detective than I am.

And send me the link.

I'm in England, Let's Check it Out! Episode 4: Castle