20 questions that could change my life!

I checked CNN today and they had a story called "20 questions that could change your life." I clicked on it and found out it was actually an article from Oprah.com written by a chick named Martha Beck, who polled a bunch of other broads and came up with the following questions. She says asking these questions could redirect your life, but answering them every day will TRANSFORM your life.

Hot damn, let's give it a try.

1. What questions should I be asking myself?

Well. I guess this list of 20 questions. Right? You tell me, Martha Beck.

2. Is this what I want to be doing?

Is what what I want to be doing? Martha says ask this a bunch of times every day. So I guess it's general and ever-changing. Like, when I was eating shredded wheat this morning -- is this what I want to be doing? I mean, on one hand, sure -- I'm hungry and I want a relatively low calorie cereal that will fill me up. On the other hand, no. I'd rather sleep in, not eat breakfast, eat way less healthy shit for breakfast, etc. But, I think in the long run, I'll be happier if I stick to shredded wheat.

3. Why worry?

Why worry? Why care? I may not have a dime, but I've got street savoir-faire. No, I don't, either. That's why I worry.

4. Why do I like {insert word here} more than I like {insert word here}?

Well, DEEP SPACE 9 has a continuing story arc and compelling three dimensional characters. VOYAGER is more like the same thing over and over again and all the characters are vapid and empty, and it's just like a shittier version of NEXT GENERATION.

5. How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?

I want less people to believe in the bullshit lies Oprah and her kind spread. YOU'RE KILLING BABIES, OPRAH! STOP IT!

6. How do I want to be different because I lived in this world?

I'd like to have more sex partners, please.

7. Are {insert word here} better people?

Everyone I know? I hope not, man.

8. What is my body telling me?

This broad Martha Beck says your body recoils from what's bad and leans into what's good. So I'm supposed to listen to it. She says her mind lies to her, so don't listen to that. Okay. So, my body tells me beer is the best thing ever and exercise is evil. Thanks, body.

9. How much junk could a chic chick chuck if a chic chick could chuck junk?

What the fuck? Wait. She explains, "You'd be better off without some of your relationships, many of your possessions, and most of your thoughts." Huh. So. . . okay, so. . . Wait. You're telling me to get rid of stuff. How's that a question?

10. What's so funny?

I am. I love myself for my sense of humor. Without it, I'd be even more bored and filled with hate than usual. I wish there was another one of me so me and him could be best friends and crack each other up all day. The other day I said, "Magic Johnson is going to die of Old AIDS." I mean, come on. That's funny. It sounds like "old age."

11. Where am I wrong?

A lot of times I think if people don't think about stuff, that stuff will go away. Clearly this is not true, and I know it, but I think it all the time. People obsess over the weather, how sick they are, stuff like that. I think, "Stop talking about it and thinking about it all the time and it will go away." Which isn't true. But, if they stopped talking about it at least it would go away as far as I could tell. And that's good enough for me.

12. What potential memories am I bartering, and is the profit worth the price?

I had to read the explanation on this one, too, and it's another one of those ones that's not really a question. Basically, Martha Beck is just saying, "Don't sell yourself out." Okay, thanks, genius.

13. Am I the only one struggling not to {insert word here} during {insert word here}?

The example she uses is "fart during Yoga." Gross. Martha Beck farts during Yoga. I bet she's got nothing on Oprah, though. Oh man. What about me though? What do I struggle not to do? And during what? Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one struggling not to do Yoga. During life.

14. What do I love to practice?

Yoga. Just kidding. I used to love practicing the drums. I should get a drum set.

15. Where could I work less and achieve more?

I can't answer this one. I saw on the news one time where you can't talk about your job on the Internet or else you'll get fired.

16. How can I keep myself absolutely safe?

Well I thought worrying would help me do that but Martha Beck says you can't keep yourself safe, so forget it. Okay.

17. Where should I break the rules?

Here's my rule with rules -- I make the rules. Okay? And a lot of my rules are just stolen from society. Some of them are customized. What I do is, I try to look at a situation objectively. If I could jump outside myself and observe myself breaking rule X, would that piss me off? If yes, then I shouldn't break rule X. If no, then have at it.

18. So say I lived in that fabulous house in Tuscany, with untold wealth, a gorgeous, adoring mate, and a full staff of servants. . . then what?

I'd take some of that wealth and give it to my family. There, Mom and Dad and sister never have to worry about anything. Then, I'd self publish something awesome and market it really well so I become a famous writer. I'd also produce and direct an independent film. I'd pay to get the Hollywood Theater totally restored right away, instead of taking forever, but I'd stipulate they have to serve beer in order to accept my donation money. I'd sell my house in Tuscany, because I don't care to live there, and buy houses in cool places like Manhattan and LA, and of course, Portland. I'd keep enough servants to have like a personal assistant and a stylist, but I don't need a whole bunch of other ones. Maybe like a driver. I'd knock up my gorgeous and adoring mate so my parents could have some grandkids, but I'd wait like a decade so I could make sure things work out pretty well with my gorgeous and adoring mate first so I don't end up like Tiger Woods. I dunno. What else? Hey, Oprah, give me some pointers. You're rich.

19. Are my thoughts hurting or healing?

Both!

20. Really truly: Is this what you want to be doing?

Hey. That's only 19 questions.