There's no accounting for taste.

As I was walking along Broadway this evening I looked at all the people who had set up their lawn chairs on the sidewalk, waiting patiently for the oncoming parade.

I thought about how dumb parades are, and a series of negative thoughts about the kinds of people who enjoy parades enough to set up lawn chairs hours in advance went through my mind.

Then I reminded myself that I was on my way to pay money to watch people talk during a long forgotten B-movie.

My bogus journey

I went to a website today to calculate the time of my death.

They wanted to know my name, so I lied and said it was Ed Wood.

They wanted to know my height and weight, so I gave that. And they wanted to know my birthdate, so I gave that as well.

Then, they wanted to know what stimulants I use -- cigarettes, alcohol, drugs. I checked alcohol.

After this, the website calculated that I would die March 7, 2030 at the age of 49. Damn. Two more days and I could die on the same day as Biggie. I was a little disappointed with this, because I always thought I would at least make it to 54, which is the age Ed Wood was when he died. I also hoped I'd go on 12/10, like Eddie.

The other really depressing thing about the website is after you enter your information and they give you your predicted death date, they then send you to a screen that counts down the percentage of time in your life you have left. They give you a bar graph showing how far you are into your life, and they give you a ticker, complete with relentless ticking sounds, showing how much closer, bit by bit, you're getting to your eventual doom.

Right now, according to the website, I have 655,565,765 seconds left in my life.

To make myself feel better, I went back and re-entered all of the information again, only this time I told the website I was 500 lbs. This time, it told me I would die in about 6 years. Out of curiosity, I went back and tried 1,000 lbs and it told me to enter a "proper weight." So, I tried 900. Same thing. 800. 700. 600. Finally. Told me 6 years again. Tried 699. "Enter proper weight." Tried 675. Rejected. Tried 650. 6 years again. So, note to self: if I ever get to 500 lbs, keep eating.

The website also generated three "symbols" that may or may not have a direct connection with my death, and the symbols were generated each time I entered info, and each time I entered info they were the same:

War

Work

Alcohol

Well, if the war against the machines starts like it is supposed to, chances are I'll die on judgment day. Then again, if I die 3/7/30 as the website says, I make it well past judgment day. To be honest, I don't really see myself dying in a war.

Work could kill me in a figurative sense, I suppose, by crushing my soul or something like that (if I believed in souls). But, I don't see anything beyond a freak accident contributing to my death at work. I mean, let's be honest, all I do is sit at a desk all day, so unless an earthquake knocks the building down or I get killed in traffic, I think I'll be safe.

Which leaves us with alcohol, which I admit, could easily kill me.

But not if I kill it first!

Babies do not like intense violence or explosions.

As I was walking into the theater to watch TERMINATOR: SALVATION, a large family made up of a variety of children and adults were blocking the door and aisle, trying to decide where to sit.  The middle was pretty full.  The left side?  The right side?

I strategically stayed back, waiting to see where they would go, so I could sit far away from them.  After all, the youngest kid was still in a stroller, and that meant as soon as the explosions and intense violence started, the kid would start screaming.

But, they beat me.  Guess how?  For some reason, one half of the family decided to sit on the right hand side of the theater and the other decided to sit on the left.  I was fucked.

As I sat listening to their baby cry, I wondered what would possess them to split up.  Then it occurred to me that maybe one half of the family didn't want to sit near the baby.  I can't blame them.

An Open Letter to The Terminator

Dear The Terminator,

Look, I realize you're busy governing the state of California.  And I realize there are legitimate reasons why a dude who is the Governor of one of the biggest, most populated states in the union can't go around starring in action movies.  But people from other states need you now, too.  It's your responsibility to go back to your first, best destiny -- terminating things.

Don't act all humble.  I've seen you terminate cars.  I've seen you terminate buildings.  I've seen you terminate people.  I've seen you terminate other Terminators.  I've even seen you terminate yourself!  I'm pretty sure I even saw you terminate an employee one time.

I think it's time to hang it up as governor.  Not because I care one way or the other about your performance in that role.  It's enough for me that The Terminator is the governor of California at all.  Especially now that I don't live there anymore.

All right, I'll get to the point.  The point is, I saw TERMINATOR SALVATION today.

I'll be honest: it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be.  After kind of a slow start, the movie even started to win me over.  That Marcus Wright guy turned out to be all right, the movie seemed to fit pretty well with the other ones even though McG likes to shoot things from weird angles so I get all confused, and Anton Yelchin made a surprisingly Michael Biehnesque Kyle Reese.  Who would have thought?

We were even treated to one of the most bad ass songs of all time -- The Rooster.  What more can you ask for?

What more, indeed.

That's where you come in, The Terminator.  I won't be giving anything away when I say that about 3/4 of the way into the movie, the real Terminator (you) makes a cameo.  Everything I'd heard about the cameo up until I actually saw it was that it looked dumb and didn't fit in.  

Needless to say, I was woefully unprepared for how completely fucking awesome it was to see The Terminator terminating things again.

The crowd exploded with excitement, my jaw dropped, the people behind me kicked my chair.  Suddenly it was like I was 12 again!  And that's when I realized:

The Terminator needs to be in Terminator movies MORE.

I know, I know -- it sounds like a given.  But you and I know that you were not in this one nearly enough.  Sure, there were lots of guys they kept calling Terminators, but there's only one The Terminator, and he's huge and Austrian.

What?  You're too old, you say?  Even if you weren't Governor it wouldn't make any sense for a T-800 (Cyberdyne Systems Model 101) to age?

You're in luck.  I just made up Terminator 5.  It goes like this:

The Terminator RETURNS!  Only, this time he's human.  Peep this.  Skynet had to base the design of the T-800 on something, right?  I mean, there's gotta be a reason he's a huge muscley guy with an Austrian accent, right?

Turns out, in the future, John Connor and Kyle Reese come across the dude who served as the model for the T-800.  Sure, he's 25 years older than he was at the time Skynet stole him and made T-800s in his image, but he's still totally kick ass, having fought his lonesome way across the apocalyptic wastelands of 2020 Earth for years, going it on his own.  After chomping on cigars and rubbing his stubble and saying things like, "I stick my neck out for nobody," the aged T-800 prototype decides to join John Connor's crew and proves himself to be a valuable warrior.  Meanwhile John Connor can't help but be reminded of the T-800 he made best friends with back in the olden days.  Twice.

And then, check this out -- just when they think they have Skynet by the balls, the T-1000s pop up.  So then we get the return of the T-1000 as well.  Bonus.

They all blow shit up, chase each other, and fight each other, and then the movie ends with John Connor sending Kyle Reese back in time, quickly followed by sending another T-800 back in time (after the T-800 prototype dies, of course, in a really emotional scene that will make me cry even though I will have written it).

AND THEN THERE ARE NEVER ANY MORE TERMINATOR MOVIES.

At least, not until after I'm dead.  Then, have at it.

There's one small problem: in THE TERMINATOR, Kyle Reese says he doesn't know what The Terminator is going to look like until he strikes.  So my plot about Kyle Reese chilling with the aged T-800 prototype doesn't really make sense.  But, that's not my fault -- McG already fucked it up by having Kyle Reese see The Terminator in TERMINATOR SALVATION.  So there.  Too late now.  Bam.  I solved Terminator.

Anyway, The Terminator, I digress.  Point is, be in more action movies.  Especially TERMINATOR ones.

Love,

Paul

P.S. What's up with Bryce Dallas Howard?  Is she like really pregnant or what?

I scream "F@#%" for ice cream.

I said, "fuck," in front of a 4-year-old today.  I always feel bad when I accidentally swear in front of kids, but the parents, to their credit, almost always act like it's not a big deal.  It's probably incidents like these that cause all my "friends" on Facebook to vote that I'd be a terrible father.  Or maybe it's the heavy drinking.  Or general bad attitude.  Whatever.

Point is, this time, it was over an orange cream-sicle.

I was at the park with a couple friends, one of whom brought his 4-year-old kid with him, which makes sense, since it was a park.  The ice cream truck pulled up, and the dad of the kid in question really wanted an orange cream-sicle, but he was worried about whether or not there was dairy in it, because he's following a diet that doesn't allow him to eat any dairy. 

I, on the other hand, don't give a f--. . . er, don't care whether I eat dairy or not, so I bought one and decided to eat it.  As I was unwrapping it, the dad of the kid began asking for a bite.

Normally I'd be okay with sharing, but in case you'd like to know the secret rules I live my life by, here's one now: you're not allowed to not buy ice cream because of your diet and then ask me for a bite of my delicious orange cream-sicle.  It's against the rules.  Anyway, diets are based on what you eat, not what you pay for, so dairy is dairy whether I pay for it and then you eat what I paid for, or if you pay for it yourself.

So, I said no a few times, and he persisted, and finally I closed the case with a definitive, "Get your own fucking orange cream-sicle."

As soon as I said it, I realized I'm not supposed to say fuck in front of kids, so I said I was sorry.  I was disappointed in myself, after having carefully spelled P-E-N-I-S out loud earlier while discussing a previous weekend's Scrabble triumph.

"Don't worry about it," the dad said.  "He probably hears swear words all the time."

Then, I enjoyed my orange cream-sicle as I walked home in the sun.

The girl of my dreams?

I ran into a girl working in a coffee shop the other day who I thought I recognized.  After looking her over, I decided she just looked familiar and I didn't know her after all.  But then I saw her giving me a double take, and decided I must know her after all.  When she came over to make small talk and catch up, I realized who it was:

The girl I went to the Winter Dance with my freshman year of high school.

She was still cute, and friendly, and funny, just like I remembered her.  I didn't get her contact information or arrange to hang out with her or anything, but I felt satisfied that I'd finally run into a girl that I had often wondered about.  As I sat on the patio thinking about it, I remembered maybe I've run into her once or twice before.  I wasn't sure.

When Kaite showed up at the coffee shop to hang out with me, I told her about who I had run into, and she said, "I don't remember her."

Which was weird, because right around the time I would have been dating this girl would have also been around the time I was hanging out with Kaite pretty much every day.  As I tried to explain who I was talking about, it occurred to me that I had mentioned this same girl in front of some of my other friends before and they hadn't remembered her, either.

I tried to think of all my friends, who would be the most likely to remember her, and I decided my high school buddy Clint would be a good candidate.  The way I met this girl in the first place was because she had a locker right next door to Clint's locker, and I went to lunch with Clint almost every day, so ever day right before lunch I'd see her.  We started flirting, making small talk, joking around -- she was really engaging and funny, easy to talk to, and somehow through no fault of my own I had fallen ass backwards into a cute girl who actually liked me and wanted to go to the Winter Dance with me.

We talked on the phone a lot and went on a couple of what I guess you'd call "dates," but by the time we got to the Winter Dance we had cooled on each other and were pretty much at the end of our brief relationship.  What should have been our best date yet ended up being pretty much the last time I ever really hung out with her.

Anyway, I saw Clint online and asked him if he remembered this girl, and he didn't.

So, I began to wonder -- does she exist at all?  Is she a figment of my imagination?  Is my life one of those shitty movies where characters who seem real end up just being in the main character's mind?

As I thought about it, I reminded myself that I have a dream at night, from time to time, where I meet a nice, funny, cute girl who is really easy to talk to and who I really seem to be hitting it off with, only to wake up and realize it wasn't real.  I hadn't made the connection before, but I thought, that dream is kind of like the way I met the Winter Dance girl -- we just casually started talking and things clicked amazingly well.

I went home to visit my parents for a barbecue today and took the chance to go through the old photo albums.  I came across the pictures my mom forced me and my friends to take the night of the Winter Dance back in 1995, and sure enough, there was this girl, standing right next to me, looking just the way I remembered her, sweet smile and everything.

I stole a couple of choice photos so I could show my friends.  They may never remember her, but at least I can point out that she actually existed.  

As an added bonus, I look incredibly handsome in the photos.  So, good date choice, Winter Dance girl.

The Book of Jobs

Let's take a tour of all the jobs I've ever had, shall we?  Or, at least, the highlights.

JOB ONE:  LANDSCAPING

One summer in high school this hippie landscaper hired me and paid me under the table.  At first the idea was that I'd be his assistant in all things landscaping related, but early on it became clear that I was terrible at even the simplest forms of manual labor, like digging holes, so he sentenced me to plant watering.  It was boring, but it was easy, and I got to be outside all day.

The other two guys on the landscaping crew:  another hippie who I guess was friends with the boss, and some kind of convict who was on parole or something.  The convict had to have the hippie landscaper sign some kind of piece of paper at the end of the day for his parole officer.  He was a lot better at digging holes than I was.

JOB TWO:  MOVIE THEATER

Next I got a job at a new 8-plex they were building in town.  The idea was that my friends and I would get in on the ground floor and then rule the place.  We helped with the construction of the place, which was fun, but soon the place opened and it stopped being fun as soon as the customers showed up.  I was banished from concessions for being bad at handling money and sentenced to the door post.  Ironically, this was a position I preferred.

The people who ran the theater had a hard time keeping a janitor on the payroll, so there was a period where they made the closing crew do the janitorial work, sometimes lasting late into the night.  One New Years' Eve, my boss let me leave early due to lack of business.

"So, if I'm leaving early, that means I'm not part of the closing crew, right?" I asked.

"Yes," my boss said.

"So, that means I don't have to come back and help with janitorial, right?" I asked.

"I guess not," my boss said.

So, I left.  Next day I found out I had been suspended by the assistant manager for not coming in to help with janitorial.  I was suspended for a period of several days, and I asked the assistant manager if this meant literally that number of days, or the number of shifts, since I often went a day or two without working.  

"Number of shifts," she said.

"So I could be suspended for like two weeks?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said.

"I quit," I said.

JOB THREE: GOLF COURSE GROUNDSKEEPER

My dad got me a job watering the local public golf course.  When I interviewed for the job it sounded great.

"Well, you let the sprinklers run for about an hour," he said.  "Then you go move all of them.  Then you let them run for another hour.  It's a lot of sitting around, doing nothing.  You can bring a video to watch if you want.  You start around sunset and leave as soon as you're done.  I think the guy who has the job now usually leaves at 2:00."

The hours were weird, but I liked the idea of getting paid to sit around.  So, I showed up, and the guy who worked there and would be my partner showed me the ropes.  The fun part was that we drove around in a Gator.  We drove from hole to hole, inserting sprinklers into pipes in the ground.  It took about an hour to go all the way around the course, and by the time we were done setting up all the sprinklers, it was time to start moving the first ones we had set up.  So we'd start over again in an endless cycle, going around and around the course, setting up sprinklers, moving them, etc.

As night fell I began to notice bats swarming every time we stopped the Gator to jump out and move the sprinklers.  It was like the TEMPLE OF DOOM.  As the night progressed we eventually broke a sprinkler and sent water gushing, turning the fairway into a muddy swamp.  My partner and I tried everything to fix it, including dragging a generator and pump out of the shed and attempting to pump the water out.  But, no dice.  So we had to call the real groundskeeper, who was on call, but who was not happy to come out and help.

By the time we were done, the sun was coming up and it had been about 12 hours.  We reported to our bosses, who scolded us for calling the groundskeeper to bail us out, and commanded us to report for duty later that night.

Needless to say, I immediately quit.

JOB FOUR: VIDEO STORE

I worked in the worst video store in town for about one month.  The idea was I'd work there while I was home from college for winter break, then come back in the summer and have a built in job.  One time, I was supposed to open the store, and I slept in.  So the owner called to ask where I was.  Oops.  Oddly, they didn't need me when I came back for the summer.

JOB FIVE: WRITING TUTOR

In college I worked in the tutoring center.  I was terrible at it.  Let's not talk about it.  I did get lots of homework done, though.

JOB SIX: COFFEE SHOP

For two summers during college, I worked at a coffee shop.  The owner got sick of me moping around there in between looking for summer jobs and decided to hire me.  At first I was worried making all the crazy coffee drinks would be difficult but then I learned that they're all the same, so I chilled out.  Still, judging from the customers' reactions, I must not have been very good at it.  A lot of bikers hung out there.  I was never sure why until I realized they were all in AA.  Coincidentally, they always ordered the most extreme drinks -- iced quad shots, etc.  So, their drinks were already terrible, and then they hated the way I made them.  Go figure.

A lot of loser kids used to also hang out there and come in asking for water.  The owner got sick of it so she said they'd have to start paying $0.25 or something if they wanted water.  I decided not to charge them, but I'd tell each one who came in what the deal was and asked them to please not rat on me.  Of course, one of them did, so no more free water for them.

The owner eventually sold the coffee shop and the family who bought it didn't hire me back.  So, there went all my free coffee.  And cookies.  And Sobes.  And pizza from the restaurant on the corner.

JOB SEVEN: ANOTHER MOVIE THEATER

One summer when I was home for college I got a job at an older theater about a half hour away from my parents' house, in Salem.  My old boss from my first movie theater job was running it and was willing to hire me, and I was looking forward to "working" there and not having to do anything based on my familiarity with the boss.  There were a few other dudes in assistant manager positions who I also knew, so I just got to sit around in the box office reading.  Additionally, we got to talk on walkie talkies all the time, so all in all it was a great experience.

I assumed all the other workers were roughly my age until one day one of the guys was really excited about getting his drivers' license.

"Dude," I said.  "You're just now getting your drivers' license?"

"Uh, yeah," a hot chick I had previously assumed was 21 said.  "He's 16."

"Oh," I said.  "Oh!" I thought.  I looked around at everyone.  "How old are you?" I asked the chick.

"16," she said.

Turns out they were all high schoolers.  Fuck me, right?

JOB EIGHT:  THE JOB I HAVE NOW

Oh wait.  I can't write about it.  I read on CNN where you're not supposed to talk about your job on the internet or you'll get fired.

THE END

 

Treating Objects Like Women, Man Part II: Boyhood Crushes

Hey, check it out, it's the top 11 famous chicks I had a crush on before I became a teenager.  Why top 11?  Because I suddenly remembered an 11th one while I was writing this.

Reviewing my list, it seems I arbitrarily developed crushes on any actress or performer who was featured prominently in any form of media that I was exposed to over and over again.  Or, maybe I was exposed to these forms of media over and over again because I had a crush on the actress or performer featured prominently therein.  Chicken or egg?  You decide.

I'm going to go in roughly chronological order.

1.)  PRINCESS LEIA (Carrie Fisher)

Duh.  She has to be on everyone's list who is around my age.  I say Princess Leia because I clearly had a crush on her and NOT on Carrie Fisher.  Though these days I've come to find out that Carrie Fisher's a pretty hilarious broad.  Still, back then, her royal status and the fact that she fought Imperial troops side by side with Luke and Han kind of outweighed her creative skills (and even her looks, to some degree).  Leia in the slave outfit in RETURN OF THE JEDI is great, of course, but I always liked it how she was kind of one of the guys, always sparring with Han, and to a lesser extent, Luke.  She was one of many fictional female characters I was exposed to growing up who was very reluctant to fall for a scoundrel, but who eventually gave in.  Which warped my fragile mind and taught me that I should be a scoundrel when I grow up.  A persistent, hilarious one.  But a scoundrel nevertheless.

2.) DANA BARRETT (Sigourney Weaver)

The damsel in distress from GHOSTBUSTERS, one of the most often watched films of my youth.  Again, we've got a no-nonsense chick who doesn't take shit from the guys, and can give it back to Bill Murray as well as he can serve it up.  Dana was another early influence on me, telling me what I needed to do to get a woman was to be a constant smart-ass like Bill Murray, and eventually the woman of my dreams, like Dana, would be worn down, and she'd have to admit she likes me.

3.) WILLIE SCOTT (Kate Capshaw)

Another damsel in distress -- this one from INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.  These days Willie is viewed as the most annoying of Indy's female companions -- constantly whining, complaining, not ready for adventure -- you know, annoying chick stuff.  But, back when I was a kid, the blonde hair was enough.  Much like King Kong, the moment I saw that beauty I was as good as dead.  Which is funny, since I'm not that into blondes now.  Go figure.  Anyway, again, she had a similar sparring relationship with the hero of the story -- constantly arguing with him, resisting the urge to throw herself at his awesomeness.  I'm beginning to think maybe that was kind of a safe thing for a young kid -- a love interest who the hero could clearly do without, thus maintaining the manliness of the hero.  Only reluctantly does the hero finally give in to the mushy stuff.

4.) LORRAINE BAINES McFLY (Lea Thompson)

Holy Christ.  Never has a more horny chick been unleashed on young impressionable minds.  Dana, Leia and Willie (to a certain extent) spent their time shunning the advances of the heroes -- Lorraine, meanwhile, was busy throwing herself at Marty McFly, HER OWN SON (unbeknownst to her).  She is just gushing with sexual energy.  Check out the scene where one of her friends asks her who Marty McFly is after he wipes the floor with Biff.  Lorraine goes, "I don't know.  But I'm gonna find out."  And it's clear she's having an orgasm RIGHT THERE in public.  Anyway, all that was over my head when I was a kid, but that didn't stop us from talking about how hot she was in class the day after they showed the film as movie of the week in fourth grade.

5.)  TISH AMBROSEI (Kelly Preston)

What?  Never heard of Tish?  Guess why.  Because she's from SPACE CAMP.  Never heard of SPACE CAMP?  Guess why.  Because the Challenger blew up right before the film came out and no one went to see it.  Kind of like ZOOLANDER and 9/11, without the second life of DVD and cable.  I wouldn't have seen SPACE CAMP either, except my sister turned out to be the only fan of the movie, and constantly watched it on video.  Anyway, Tish had the unique ability of being a total airhead while also being a genius, smacking her gum and being dumb one moment and then cracking complex communication codes the next.  She also wore lots of plastic and rubber based jewelry which, in the 80s, was a sure sign that she was a babe.  Also, I've just noticed, although I listed Kate Capshaw for TEMPLE OF DOOM and Lea Thompson for BACK TO THE FUTRE, those two chicks AND Kelly Preston were all in SPACE CAMP.  Crazy.  It's like the nexus of pre-pubescent crushes.

6.) JULIE WINSTON (Courteney Cox)

That's right -- the Earthling who helps He-Man defeat Skeletor in MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE.  I think by the time I saw MASTERS I had already seen Courteney Cox on FAMILY TIES. . . maybe not.  I'm not sure.  Either way, pre-FRIENDS Courteney always reminded me of the college chicks who used to babysit me when I was growing up, and, naturally, I was in love with all of them.  This might have been because one of my favorite babysitters was named Julie, just like Cox's character in MASTERS.  I remember kind of identifying with that kid, Andy, on FAMILY TIES, when he had a hard time adjusting to sharing the awesome Alex P. Keaton (Michael J. Fox) with his new girlfriend, played by Courteney Cox, looking exactly like Julie Winston from MASTERS.  But then she'd hug him and be all nice to him and I'd instantly begin to hate Andy.  Anyway, Andy wasn't in MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, just her douche boyfriend Kevin who, incidentally, reminded me of all the douche boyfriends my babysitters ever had.  Although now that I think about it, that babysitter of mine, Julie, actually had an awesome boyfriend who was also named Andy and he was not a douche bag.  I was in their wedding.  Rock on, Julie and Andy.

7.) DEBBIE GIBSON

Finally, someone who's not a fictional character.  Or is she?  Debbie Gibson was the teen pop sensation who, unlike teen pop sensations of today, actually wrote and produced (and sang) her own music.  My sister was obsessed with her (much like she was obsessed with SPACE CAMP) so from roughly 1987 until about 1990 I probably didn't go a day without hearing a Debbie Gibson song, seeing a Debbie Gibson video, or looking at pictures of Debbie Gibson torn from the pages of such magazines as BOP.  What wasn't to like?  She was a nice, positive role model who actually had some talent, even if her voice was grating to the middle aged ears of my parents.  Years later she posed in PLAYBOY.  By then I was in my mid-twenties and she was in her mid-thirties, but it still blew my mind.

8.) APRIL O'NEIL

I didn't list any actresses here because this is one case where I had a crush on the basic character, and not on a specific portrayal of the character.  I had a crush on April when she was a mere cartoon and had not made the leap to the silver screen, yet.  Since then, the redhead Judith Hoag played her in the first movie, the lackluster Paige Turco played her in the second and third movies, and Sarah Michelle Gellar provided her voice in the most recent outing.  Still, I don't think any of them have done justice to the inexplicably yellow jump-suited reporter for Channel 6 News.  I guess it was attractive that a perfectly fine chick was willing to be friends with a bunch of freaks.

9.) VICKI VALE (Kim Basinger)

Another blonde.  Seems like before I hit puberty I was into blondes, and after that things changed.  Anyway, BATMAN was one of the biggest movies of 1989, and Kim Basinger was in it.  So there you have it.  Instant crush.  She was probably one of the more viscerally sexual chicks I had a crush on as a kid, with the others kind of being tom-boyish to a degree.  There were a lot of things about that movie that weren't really appropriate for kids, the violence being one aspect, but also just a vague undercurrent of adult stuff going on.  I remember listening to the Prince soundtrack at the tender age of 9 and not being 100% sure why I was creeped out but being fairly sure that it was dirty.  Same thing when I looked at Kim Basinger -- I had a crush on her, but was somewhat creeped out by my own crush.  I think she was too much woman for me.

10.) COUNSELOR DEANNA TROI (Marina Sirtis)

It's funny, these days when I watch old reruns of STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION, I don't think the empathic Counselor from Betazed is that good looking.  In fact, sometimes, she looks downright monstrous.  But when I was 10 or 11, the number one chick in my mind was none other than Counselor Deanna Troi, with the skin-tight uniform and curves for days.  She was also super nice and always concerned about people's feelings, which I guess was attractive to a self centered kid.  I was always jealous of that kid who played Worf's son Alexander, constantly hugging her and resting his knobby head on her boobs.  Wait a minute.  That's the same kid who played Andy from FAMILY TIES!  That motherfucker.

11.) LEX MURPHY (Ariana Richards)

Okay, so this one is either the weirdest one or the most normal one, depending on how you look at it.  You might be wondering who the fuck Lex Murphy is, so I'll fill you in:  she's the chick from JURASSIC PARK.  No, not Laura Dern.  The OTHER chick.  There's no other chick in JURASSIC PARK, you say?  Remember the 13 year old?  Ooooh, now you know why it's creepy.  OR IS IT?  Here's the deal:  I was 12 when JURASSIC PARK came out.  Ariana Richards was around the same age, 12 or 13, playing a 12 or 13 year old.  Here's the thing -- up until then, I'd had crushes on adult women, or, at least, women who were relatively adult compared to my age.  But around age 12, I was getting to the point where things were starting to get more serious and it wasn't going to be long where I'd have crushes on fictional characters, and I'd start to get crushes on real chicks.  So, to me, it makes perfect sense that on the eve of becoming a teenager, I'd get the hots for a chick my age who also happened to be in the biggest movie of the summer.  I even created a fake correspondence between me and Ariana and attempted to trick my friends into thinking we were pen pals.  Why?  Because I'm a liar.  

But that's another story.

Eye Patch Man and Concession Guy

I went to see the original 3:10 TO YUMA at the Laurelhurst the other day. Ever since the remake came out I've wanted to see the original, haven't gotten around to it until now. I liked the remake, the original was good, too.

My favorite part was when Van Heflin said, "So, you're quiet like me. Well, shut up then!"

Anyway, I like going to old movies at the Laurelhurst. There are almost always old people there, and it makes me happy to think that they're going to see movies that would have been new when they were my age, or maybe younger.

This time, there was an old couple who kind of leaned on each other as they walked, propping each other up. The man had an eye patch. The woman couldn't hear very well, so the man had to repeat things to her, though he didn't do it during the movie (at least, not that I could hear).

When the movie let out, I hadn't finished my beer yet, so I sat at a booth in the lobby to drink it and observed this old couple going up to the concession stand to make small talk with the guy working there.

They knew him by name, so it looked like this might be a usual thing for them. The man discussed the film with the guy at the concession stand, and eventually they came upon the subject of the remake.

CONCESSION GUY: You know, they remade this movie a year or two ago. It was pretty good.

EYE PATCH MAN: What? They remade this? I didn't know that. It must haev had a different name.

CONCESSION GUY: No, it was still called 3:10 TO YUMA.

EYE PATCH MAN: How did I miss that! Who starred in it?

CONCESSION GUY: Russell Crowe.

EYE PATCH MAN: Oh! I like Russell Crowe! (turns to wife) THEY REMADE THIS MOVIE WITH RUSSELL CROWE!

WIFE: Ooooh.

Anyway, after that the conversation disippated and the couple walked arm-in-arm out into the sunny day. I finished my beer and walked out as well.

I hope when I'm older I will still go to movies. And, as much as I like to sit alone in the dark, I hope I'll have someone to go with.

I solve movies.

Time for a new movie questionnaire from possibly the greatest movie blog ever, Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule.  It's a little late, since it was intended for spring and summer is already upon us, but here goes nothing.  What are YOUR answers?

1) Favorite Biopic

This one's easy!  My all-time favorite film, ED WOOD, happens to be a biopic.  You haven't seen it?  Watch it immediately!  It stars everyone's favorite, Johnny Depp, in his greatest screen performance, along with everyone else's favorite, Sarah Jessica Parker before she was that chick from SEX AND THE CITY.  If that's not enough, you've also got pre-RUSHMORE Bill Murray, and Oscar-winning Martin Landau as a foul-mouthed Bela Lugosi!  Great script, beautiful black and white cinematography -- Tim Burton at his best.

2) Dyan Cannon or Tuesday Weld?

Tuesday Weld for ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA.

3) Best example of science fiction futurism rendered silly by the event of time catching up to the prediction

As much as I love it, I'll go with STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN.  The lines about Khan being a genetic superman from the 1990s, a product of the eugenics wars, are pretty silly.

4) Annette Funicello & Frankie Avalon or Troy Donahue & Sandra Dee?

Duh.  AF and FA.

5) Favorite Raoul Walsh movie?

I haven't seen any!  But that's what these questionnaires are good for. . .

6) Sophomore film which represents greatest improvement over the director’s debut 

The first one that comes to mind is Quentin Tarantino's PULP FICTION over RESERVOIR DOGS.  When I was a kid, I used to like RESERVOIR DOGS better, but PULP FICTION is infinitely more watchable and clearly a masterpiece.  RESERVOIR is best left as a cult classic, PULP FICTION is a bonafide example of one of the greatest films of all time.

7) Ice Cube or Mos Def?

This one's tough.  I love both.  A couple years ago, I would have said Ice Cube.  Unfortunately, while Cube has been in some great flicks like THREE KINGS, and never disappoints with his performances, he's also done a bunch of dumb kids movies.  Mos Def, on the other hand, while sometimes a little uneven in his performances, has yet to really appear in a stinker -- even NEXT DAY AIR looks promising.  Also, he's just so lovable.

8) Favorite movie about the music industry

I guess THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT, my second favorite film of all time, a rockumentary about the greatest band of all time, The Who.

9) Favorite Looney Tunes short (provide link if possible)

I like the ones about the sheep dog who clocks in.

10) Director most deserving of respect or upwardly mobile critical reassessment

Matthew Von Manahan, director of the ultra-indie and mostly unseen THE BOOK OF CALEB.  The movie isn't perfect but there is so much promise there, I'd love to see this guy get a budget and a foot in the door.

11) Ruth Gordon or Margaret Hamilton?

Margaret Hamilton.  It'd be tough to get me to go against anyone from the cast of THE WIZARD OF OZ, sorry.

12) Best filmed adaptation of a play

There are so many good ones.  MY FAIR LADY, THE KING AND I, HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH, GLENN GARY, GLENN ROSS, HAMLET (Branagh and Olivier), Franco Zefferelli's ROMEO AND JULIET, TITUS ANDRONICUS. . . still I'll go with one of my favorite flicks ever, CASABLANCA, based on the much-less famous play, EVERYONE COMES TO RICK'S.

13) Buddy Ebsen or Edgar Buchanan?

I'll take the original Tin Man, Buddy Ebsen.

14) Favorite Jean Renoir movie?

The only one I've ever seen is THE GRAND ILLUSION, and it's one of the best films ever.

15) Favorite one-word movie title, and why

BARFLY.  It says it all.

16) Ernest Thesiger or Basil Rathbone?

Tough one.  Love Basil Rathbone as Sir Guy of Gisbourne in THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD. . . but Ernest Thesiger as Dr. Pretorius is pretty fucking unbelievable. . . the award goes to ERNEST THESIGER!!

17) Summer movies—your highest and lowest expectations

I'm not sure what this one is asking.  Which summer movie this summer am I most excited for?  And which one am I least excited for?  I guess I'd say, before I saw it, I was most pumped for STAR TREK.  The one I'm not really looking forward to is G.I. JOE.  In the bigger picture, I just look for a summer movie to be fun at the very least.

18) Whether or not you’re a parent, what would be your ideal pick as first movie to see with your own child (or niece/nephew)? Why?

THE WIZARD OF OZ.  Sure, it might scare the crap out of them, but that's the one I watched over and over again as a kid, and the one I still enjoy as an adult.  There are plenty of classic Disney cartoons and modern Pixar masterpieces that would do the trick, too, but WIZARD OF OZ is most personal to me.

19) L.Q. Jones or Strother Martin

Strother Martin for COOL HAND LUKE.

20) Movie most recently seen in theaters? On DVD/Blu-ray?

Most recent theater outing was TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE, and it was just as good as ever.  Last flick on DVD was the first half of STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER, which is not as terrible as everyone would have you believe.  But, also not great.

21) Do you see more movies theatrically or at home? Why?

I probably see more repeated viewings at home, but I try to see at least one movie a week in theaters so I probably see more than most.  As much as I'm annoyed by people in general, I still value the theater experience -- I like to see things on 35mm, on the big screen, as soon as possible, and am not content to wait in most cases.  But, I do a lot of home viewing, especially when it comes to revisiting my favorites over and over.

22) Name an award-worthy comic performance that was completely ignored by Oscar and his pals. 

One of the movies I laughed the hardest and longest at in the theater was THE BIG LEBOWSKI, and no one from it was nominated for anything, so I'll say -- the entire cast of THE BIG LEBOWSKI.

23) Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens or Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart 

Christ.  This one is difficult.  Zac Efron beats Pattinson, Stewart beats Hudgens.  So I'll vote for Zac Efron and Kristen Stewart (but only ADVENTURELAND Kristen Stewart -- 10x more attractive than TWILIGHT Kristen Stewart).

24) Name a great (or merely very good) movie that is too painful to watch a second time (Thanks to The Onion A.V. Club)

REQUIEM FOR A DREAM.

25) Beyonce Knowles or Jennifer Hudson?

Beyonce!  Please.

26) Favorite Robert Mitchum movie?

OUT OF THE PAST.

27) Favorite movie featuring a ‘60s musical group that is not either the Beatles or the Monkees

Well, I don't know if this is cheating or not, but THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT?  The film itself is from the late 70s, but it features 60s musical group THE WHO.

28) Maria Ouspenskaya or Una O’Connor?

Aargh.  Another tough one.  Ouspenskaya is awesome in THE WOLF MAN. . . but O'Connor is awesome in both BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN and ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD, so the award goes to UNA O'CONNOR!

29) Favorite Vincent Price movie?

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS.

30) Name a movie currently flying under the radar that is deserving of rabid cult status.

The afore-mentioned BOOK OF CALEB.

31) Irene Ryan or Lucille Benson (or Bea Benaderet)?

Well, Bea Benaderet.

32) Single line from a movie that never fails to make your laugh or otherwise cheer you up. (This may be obvious, but the line does not have to come from a comedy.)

"Oh my God, I'll go to school." -- BILLY MADISON

33) Elliot Gould or Donald Sutherland?

Donald Sutherland.

34) Best performance by a director in an acting role 

Woody Allen in ANNIE HALL.

35) Favorite Barbara Stanwyck movie?

DOUBLE INDEMNITY.

36) Outside of reading film criticism or other literature about the movies, what subject do you enjoy reading about or studying which you would say best enriches or illuminates your understanding and appreciation of life, a life that includes the movies?

I like to read about urban legends, folk lore, common misconceptions, frauds, general skepticism -- sociology and anthropology dealing with why people believe what they believe, and why we're wrong about what we believe.  It says a lot about the human mind and the human condition, and that's what movies are all about.

A Chandelier in Pieces

I was driving home from work the other day and I saw a guy walking up Sandy carrying a chandelier.  It wasn't a fancy chandelier, it was the kind you might find in any upper middle class living room of a house built circa 1990.  

He was carrying it by the chain, letting it dangle from his hand, and he did not look very happy for a guy who was carrying a chandelier.  In fact, he looked downright tragic.  He appeared to be in the latter half of middle age, with a white unkempt beard, a faded flannel shirt, and ratty jeans.  I figured he was probably homeless and wondered where he was going with the chandelier.

The next day I saw the same guy at the same time on the same stretch of Sandy, only this time he was not carrying a chandelier.  He had the same blank, worn out expression, the same white beard, the same ratty jeans, and the same faded flannel shirt, only this time the flannel shirt was buttoned up instead of flapping open in the wind.

His expression didn't look any different from the day before when he had a chandelier, which was almost more disturbing than if there had been a significant difference.

Either way, he looked desperate, broken and alone.

Twilight of the Action Figures

It is not safe to be an action figure.  Disfiguring injury, mutilation, dismemberment and even death are part of the job description.  That's why they call them "action" figures.  No wonder my Snake Eyes action figure commits suicide daily.

When I was a kid, I treated my toys pretty well and didn't do anything too crazy with them.  I always had friends who would burn their toys, attach fire works to them, blow them up, drown them in mud, cake them in dirt, pull their arms off, etc.  But I always tried to keep mine nice.

Still, even if an action figure was lucky enough to find me as the owner, the job was dangerous as ever.

Here's a list of injuries, casualties and disappearances my action figures have suffered over the years:

1.) Battle Damage He-Man's legs fell off the day after I bought him.  My mom super glued them back on.  He never walked the same again.

2.) I threw my Green Lantern action figure at my church day care and he landed behind a cabinet, never to be recovered.

3.) I threw my Han Solo action figure on an airplane and no one knows where it landed.  He was never seen again.

4.) Princess Leia was left in the yard and run over by my dad and the lawn mower.  She was dismembered beyond repair.

5.) Two Chuck Norris action figures were left in the empty field to the side of my house.  They were kidnapped and never heard from again.

6.) Michelangelo's nunchucks were torn in half by a kid at my school.

7.) Raphael's sais were broken by a kid at my school.

8.) April O'Neil's leg fell off.  My mom super glued it back on.  It continued to fall off every now and then only to be super glued again.

9.) My sister took my She-Ra action figure and cut her hair off in an attempt to make her look more like Debbie Gibson.

10.) One of my friends used Robin's cape to wipe up bird shit.

11.) That same friend shoved a piece of toast down my Tyranosaurus Rex's mouth.

12.) I threw my Aquaman action figure into a sticker bush and he disappeared forever.

13.) Perhaps the worst of all was when I was playing at my friends' house across the street when my parents came out to say they were going to go out to eat.  I left many of my best action figures in my friends' care and ran off to have dinner with my family.  When I returned, the action figures were not in the front yard and my friends disavowed all knowledge of their whereabouts.  Upon subsequent play dates I spotted several action figures that appeared to be mine.  Neighbor "friend," if you're reading this, rest assured I know you stole my toys.  I hope it feels good.

I can't go on.  This is depressing.

Jon & Monster Plus 8 Exploited Kids

Looks like Jon is finally cheating on that monster Kate.

In case you're wondering who these people are, they're the stars of the reality show "Jon & Kate Plus 8."  The show is about Jon and Kate, who are parents to a set of twins and a set of sextuplets, which adds up to 8 kids.  The reason they have 8 kids is because Kate underwent fertility treatments not just for the twins, but again to have even more kids.  Oops.  She had a million of 'em.

I first became exposed to this family when I was attempting to sleep in one weekend.  I heard what sounded like 8 kids screaming in my living room.  Not having 8 kids, I wandered out to see what the Christ was going on.  My girlfriend at the time was watching "Jon & Kate Plus 8."  So, we didn't have 8 kids, but it was the next worst thing.

Like most reality shows, if it's on in the background enough, I eventually get sucked in and start watching, and I became fascinated with what a monster Kate appeared to be.  Admittedly, she's pissed off all the time because she's surrounded by 8 screaming kids -- who wouldn't be?  Then again, some of us have the sense not to have 8 screaming kids because we realize we'd turn into monsters if we did.

The monster, Kate, routinely verbally berated her husband, Jon, who just sat there and took it.  She was also fond of hitting him on occasion.  Again, Jon just sat there and took it, his hairline receding more and more as the episodes went on.

Meanwhile, the 8 kids were exploited.

Anyway, rumors are finally surfacing that Jon has had it, and I don't blame him.  I feel bad for those 8 kids, but I felt bad for them even before the rumors were circulating, so I guess I feel the same as I always felt.

Still, I felt an odd petty sense of satisfaction when I saw Jon and Kate's put-upon faces staring back at me from an issue of USWeekly in the grocery line, Kate's dumb short hair cut with the mom-spikes in the back looking as monstery as ever, Jon's lifeless dead eyes screaming out in pain.

I guess that odd petty sense of satisfaction is not something to be proud of, but then again, at least I'm not cheating on my wife -- or verbally abusing my husband -- or exploiting 8 kids.

My Deepest, Darkest Secret

I told one of my friends my deepest, darkest secret the other day.

"If my soul was a song, it would be 'Going Away to College' by Blink-182," I said to her.

"Duh," she replied.

There's the person you want to be on the outside, and no one ever sees you that way.  Then there's the person you try to keep on the inside, and everyone can see right through you.

An Open Letter to "Teen" Internet Porn Sensation Jordan Capri

Dear Ms. Capri:

 I know you are busy taking showers, playing in the pool, doing gymnastics, playing truth or dare with your sorority sisters, and doing naked yoga.  But hear me out.

 I was watching “Roman Holiday” the other day.  What?  You’ve never heard of it?  Well, it was made before you were born.  I think.  I mean, according to your website it looks like you’ve been 18 for the last decade, so I’m not sure when your birthday is.  You might be immortal, like the Highlander or Wolverine.  But, assuming you’re mortal, and assuming you’re roughly 28 (the high def gives it away), I’d gamble “Roman Holiday” was made before you were born – in the 1950s.

 Back then, there was a hot chick named Audrey Hepburn who had gigantic eyes, high cheek bones and a slim build.  Sound familiar? 

 As I was watching the film, it occurred to me that you and Audrey Hepburn actually look kind of similar.  Sure, her neck’s a little longer and she didn’t do internet porn so she’s automatically classier, but I think if you did your hair right and maybe did a black and white photo shoot with some classy clothes, you could pull it off.

 Which brings me to the reason I’m writing this letter.  I’d like to pitch you an idea for a biopic about the life of Audrey Hepburn, starring you as Audrey Hepburn.

 Let me guess.  You’re not an actress, right?  You can’t make the transition to mainstream motion pictures, right?  Well, Sasha Grey is among the filthiest porn stars ever, and she’s in the new Steven Soderbergh movie, so you’re out of excuses.

 Anyway, it’s just a thought.  Next time you’re liberally applying baby oil to your body or inexplicably popping balloons by sitting on them, and you think, “There must be more than this to life,” remember my offer.

 Sincerely,

Paul

 P.S. I have no connections to Hollywood at all and don’t have the first idea how to get this project off the ground.

 P.P.S.  I’m also talking to Natalie Portman’s people.

Spec Script for The Office

If I wrote for THE OFFICE, it would go like this:

INT. - OFFICE - DAY

(Jim approaches Pam)

JIM: I'm pretty sure someone dropped a load on one of the toilets in the men's room.

PAM: A load. . . of shit?

JIM: No. The other kind of load.

PAM: Eew.

JIM: I know.

PAM: Are you sure it wasn't just water or something?

JIM: I hope it was. But I'm pretty sure it was a load.

CUE OPENING CREDITS

Strangely I heard a stranger say: I am with you.

I am currently reading the diary of Etty Hillesum.  Here are some parts that say some things I wish I could say but that seem unsayable:

"Life is composed of tales waiting to be retold by me.  Oh, what nonsense -- I don't really know anything.  I am unhappy again.  I can quite see why people get drunk or go to bed with a total stranger."

"But why do I have to achieve things?  All I need to do is to 'be,' to live and to try being a little bit human."

"We occasionally throw each other crumbs of information about ourselves, but I don't think we understand each other."

"I hope for, and at the same time I dread, the day that I shall be completely alone with myself and with a blank sheet of paper.  Then I shall do nothing but write."

And finally:

"There is a strange little melody inside me that sometimes cries out for words.  But through inhibition, lack of self-confidence, laziness, and goodness knows what else, that tune remains stifled, haunting me from within.  Sometimes it wears me out completely.  And then again it fills me with gentle, melancholy music.

Sometimes I want to flee with everything I possess into a few words, seek refuge in them.  But there are still no words to shelter me.  That is the real problem.  I am in search of a haven, yet I must first build it for myself, stone by stone.  Everyone seeks a home, a refuge.  And I am always in search of a few words.

Sometimes I feel that every word spoken and every gesture made merely serve to exacerbate misunderstandings.  Then what I would really like is to escape into a great silence and impose that silence on everyone else."

Then, at age 29, the Nazis murdered her.

Know It All

I think people lie about how much stuff they know about stuff.  I think this because I do it myself and I imagine everyone does the same stuff I do.  Maybe they don't.  Maybe I'm particularly awful.  But probably not.  

I try not to do it as much as I used to, so often times when I suspect someone is acting like they know more than they really know, I think, "I can tell you're lying because I used to do that."

People do this partially just to protect their ego but also because they think they can get away with it.  Most people don't call other people on their bullshit, at least not to their faces, so it's easy to say you've read a book you haven't read or seen a movie you haven't seen because no one's going to go, "Prove it!"  At least, they usually won't. 

The reason I bring this up is because I saw the "Wolverine" movie today.  Whenever comic book movies come out, or movies based on anything, whether it's a TV show or a book or a previous movie, or even a real life story, someone always says it's not true enough to the source material.  This presupposes that the person complaining is familiar with the source material or else they wouldn't be able to make this observation.  Unless they heard it somewhere else, and are now just passing it off as if they knew it from their own background knowledge.

The problem is, how good or bad a movie is rarely depends on how true it is to some other form of media, but usually when people point out the differences between the original and the movie, they're doing so as a way of pointing out the movie's shortcomings.  This is usually before they've seen the movie, but can also be done after they've seen it, if they didn't like it.  If they did like it they don't seem to notice the discrepancies any more, or they claim the exact opposite.

For instance, the buzz about "The Passion of the Christ" both before and after the film's release often times revolved around how it was exactly like the Bible.  But, it doesn't take a genius to watch the movie and point out all the shit that's not in the Bible.  Thing is, none of that matters when it comes right down to it -- the book is one thing, the film is another.  But, it must matter to someone, otherwise why would it be perpetuated?

I guess that question gets to the root of the issue.  When you look for things outside of the movie itself to decide whether or not the movie was any good, that says more about you than it says about the movie itself.  It says you have some outside agenda that you're applying to the movie, and not just enjoying (or not enjoying) the movie on its own terms.  

When I was younger, say 12, I assumed all these people knew what they were talking about.  So I'd attempt to act like I knew what I was talking about as well.  Joke's on me -- I just ended up looking like an asshole.  

Now that I'm older, I wonder how it is that everyone has so much time to be so intimately aware of the source material of everything that it influences whether or not they like the new version.  My guess is they don't have the time and that they're just lying.  Sure, there are some things that are so popular that most people are aware of the basics.  But it seems even when somewhat obscure books/TV shows/whatever get made into films with only limited cult followings, suddenly everyone you meet has been the biggest fan since they were a kid and they're terribly insulted that anyone would dare "ruin" the original.  Even though you've never heard them talk about it before in your life, until it just happened to be on every other commercial.

Add to this the fact that a lot of source material isn't any good.  Take 1980s cartoons, for an example.  Sure, there were some episodes of TRANSFORMERS and GI JOE that were better than average, but it was always within the context of the fact that it was a terrible show -- so, when one episode happened to show even a slight glimmer of ambition, it was regarded as a classic, because the rest of the show sucked so much.  But people act as if these shows were Shakespeare and are not to be besmirched.  I loved shitty cartoons as much as the next guy when I was a kid, but when I sit through them today, it is not hard to tell that they're shitty.  So, if I hear the big budget TRANSFORMERS film is going to stray from the source material, my immediate reaction is not to be deeply offended.  My immediate reaction is, "Well, of course, the cartoon sucked."

I had a refreshing conversation the other day.  I say it was refreshing because it was honest.

ME:  Are you excited for Wolverine?

OTHER PERSON:  Yeah.  But, I don't know that much stuff about his whole origin.

ME:  Yeah.  Me neither.  I wouldn't know the difference if it was exactly like the comics or totally different.

OTHER PERSON:  Me neither.

ME:  But hey, who cares as long as it's good, right?

OTHER PERSON:  Right.

Incidentally, it wasn't very good.  But, it didn't suck as badly as I thought it would.  I mean, Wolverine still had claws that came out of his hands, and it would be difficult to convince me that that's not super sweet.