My bogus journey

I went to a website today to calculate the time of my death.

They wanted to know my name, so I lied and said it was Ed Wood.

They wanted to know my height and weight, so I gave that. And they wanted to know my birthdate, so I gave that as well.

Then, they wanted to know what stimulants I use -- cigarettes, alcohol, drugs. I checked alcohol.

After this, the website calculated that I would die March 7, 2030 at the age of 49. Damn. Two more days and I could die on the same day as Biggie. I was a little disappointed with this, because I always thought I would at least make it to 54, which is the age Ed Wood was when he died. I also hoped I'd go on 12/10, like Eddie.

The other really depressing thing about the website is after you enter your information and they give you your predicted death date, they then send you to a screen that counts down the percentage of time in your life you have left. They give you a bar graph showing how far you are into your life, and they give you a ticker, complete with relentless ticking sounds, showing how much closer, bit by bit, you're getting to your eventual doom.

Right now, according to the website, I have 655,565,765 seconds left in my life.

To make myself feel better, I went back and re-entered all of the information again, only this time I told the website I was 500 lbs. This time, it told me I would die in about 6 years. Out of curiosity, I went back and tried 1,000 lbs and it told me to enter a "proper weight." So, I tried 900. Same thing. 800. 700. 600. Finally. Told me 6 years again. Tried 699. "Enter proper weight." Tried 675. Rejected. Tried 650. 6 years again. So, note to self: if I ever get to 500 lbs, keep eating.

The website also generated three "symbols" that may or may not have a direct connection with my death, and the symbols were generated each time I entered info, and each time I entered info they were the same:

War

Work

Alcohol

Well, if the war against the machines starts like it is supposed to, chances are I'll die on judgment day. Then again, if I die 3/7/30 as the website says, I make it well past judgment day. To be honest, I don't really see myself dying in a war.

Work could kill me in a figurative sense, I suppose, by crushing my soul or something like that (if I believed in souls). But, I don't see anything beyond a freak accident contributing to my death at work. I mean, let's be honest, all I do is sit at a desk all day, so unless an earthquake knocks the building down or I get killed in traffic, I think I'll be safe.

Which leaves us with alcohol, which I admit, could easily kill me.

But not if I kill it first!