Twilight of the Action Figures

It is not safe to be an action figure.  Disfiguring injury, mutilation, dismemberment and even death are part of the job description.  That's why they call them "action" figures.  No wonder my Snake Eyes action figure commits suicide daily.

When I was a kid, I treated my toys pretty well and didn't do anything too crazy with them.  I always had friends who would burn their toys, attach fire works to them, blow them up, drown them in mud, cake them in dirt, pull their arms off, etc.  But I always tried to keep mine nice.

Still, even if an action figure was lucky enough to find me as the owner, the job was dangerous as ever.

Here's a list of injuries, casualties and disappearances my action figures have suffered over the years:

1.) Battle Damage He-Man's legs fell off the day after I bought him.  My mom super glued them back on.  He never walked the same again.

2.) I threw my Green Lantern action figure at my church day care and he landed behind a cabinet, never to be recovered.

3.) I threw my Han Solo action figure on an airplane and no one knows where it landed.  He was never seen again.

4.) Princess Leia was left in the yard and run over by my dad and the lawn mower.  She was dismembered beyond repair.

5.) Two Chuck Norris action figures were left in the empty field to the side of my house.  They were kidnapped and never heard from again.

6.) Michelangelo's nunchucks were torn in half by a kid at my school.

7.) Raphael's sais were broken by a kid at my school.

8.) April O'Neil's leg fell off.  My mom super glued it back on.  It continued to fall off every now and then only to be super glued again.

9.) My sister took my She-Ra action figure and cut her hair off in an attempt to make her look more like Debbie Gibson.

10.) One of my friends used Robin's cape to wipe up bird shit.

11.) That same friend shoved a piece of toast down my Tyranosaurus Rex's mouth.

12.) I threw my Aquaman action figure into a sticker bush and he disappeared forever.

13.) Perhaps the worst of all was when I was playing at my friends' house across the street when my parents came out to say they were going to go out to eat.  I left many of my best action figures in my friends' care and ran off to have dinner with my family.  When I returned, the action figures were not in the front yard and my friends disavowed all knowledge of their whereabouts.  Upon subsequent play dates I spotted several action figures that appeared to be mine.  Neighbor "friend," if you're reading this, rest assured I know you stole my toys.  I hope it feels good.

I can't go on.  This is depressing.