Dear Ms. Capri:
I know you are busy taking showers, playing in the pool, doing gymnastics, playing truth or dare with your sorority sisters, and doing naked yoga. But hear me out.
I was watching “Roman Holiday” the other day. What? You’ve never heard of it? Well, it was made before you were born. I think. I mean, according to your website it looks like you’ve been 18 for the last decade, so I’m not sure when your birthday is. You might be immortal, like the Highlander or Wolverine. But, assuming you’re mortal, and assuming you’re roughly 28 (the high def gives it away), I’d gamble “Roman Holiday” was made before you were born – in the 1950s.
Back then, there was a hot chick named Audrey Hepburn who had gigantic eyes, high cheek bones and a slim build. Sound familiar?
As I was watching the film, it occurred to me that you and Audrey Hepburn actually look kind of similar. Sure, her neck’s a little longer and she didn’t do internet porn so she’s automatically classier, but I think if you did your hair right and maybe did a black and white photo shoot with some classy clothes, you could pull it off.
Which brings me to the reason I’m writing this letter. I’d like to pitch you an idea for a biopic about the life of Audrey Hepburn, starring you as Audrey Hepburn.
Let me guess. You’re not an actress, right? You can’t make the transition to mainstream motion pictures, right? Well, Sasha Grey is among the filthiest porn stars ever, and she’s in the new Steven Soderbergh movie, so you’re out of excuses.
Anyway, it’s just a thought. Next time you’re liberally applying baby oil to your body or inexplicably popping balloons by sitting on them, and you think, “There must be more than this to life,” remember my offer.
Sincerely,
Paul
P.S. I have no connections to Hollywood at all and don’t have the first idea how to get this project off the ground.
P.P.S. I’m also talking to Natalie Portman’s people.
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