Treating Objects Like Women, Man Part II: Boyhood Crushes

Hey, check it out, it's the top 11 famous chicks I had a crush on before I became a teenager.  Why top 11?  Because I suddenly remembered an 11th one while I was writing this.

Reviewing my list, it seems I arbitrarily developed crushes on any actress or performer who was featured prominently in any form of media that I was exposed to over and over again.  Or, maybe I was exposed to these forms of media over and over again because I had a crush on the actress or performer featured prominently therein.  Chicken or egg?  You decide.

I'm going to go in roughly chronological order.

1.)  PRINCESS LEIA (Carrie Fisher)

Duh.  She has to be on everyone's list who is around my age.  I say Princess Leia because I clearly had a crush on her and NOT on Carrie Fisher.  Though these days I've come to find out that Carrie Fisher's a pretty hilarious broad.  Still, back then, her royal status and the fact that she fought Imperial troops side by side with Luke and Han kind of outweighed her creative skills (and even her looks, to some degree).  Leia in the slave outfit in RETURN OF THE JEDI is great, of course, but I always liked it how she was kind of one of the guys, always sparring with Han, and to a lesser extent, Luke.  She was one of many fictional female characters I was exposed to growing up who was very reluctant to fall for a scoundrel, but who eventually gave in.  Which warped my fragile mind and taught me that I should be a scoundrel when I grow up.  A persistent, hilarious one.  But a scoundrel nevertheless.

2.) DANA BARRETT (Sigourney Weaver)

The damsel in distress from GHOSTBUSTERS, one of the most often watched films of my youth.  Again, we've got a no-nonsense chick who doesn't take shit from the guys, and can give it back to Bill Murray as well as he can serve it up.  Dana was another early influence on me, telling me what I needed to do to get a woman was to be a constant smart-ass like Bill Murray, and eventually the woman of my dreams, like Dana, would be worn down, and she'd have to admit she likes me.

3.) WILLIE SCOTT (Kate Capshaw)

Another damsel in distress -- this one from INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.  These days Willie is viewed as the most annoying of Indy's female companions -- constantly whining, complaining, not ready for adventure -- you know, annoying chick stuff.  But, back when I was a kid, the blonde hair was enough.  Much like King Kong, the moment I saw that beauty I was as good as dead.  Which is funny, since I'm not that into blondes now.  Go figure.  Anyway, again, she had a similar sparring relationship with the hero of the story -- constantly arguing with him, resisting the urge to throw herself at his awesomeness.  I'm beginning to think maybe that was kind of a safe thing for a young kid -- a love interest who the hero could clearly do without, thus maintaining the manliness of the hero.  Only reluctantly does the hero finally give in to the mushy stuff.

4.) LORRAINE BAINES McFLY (Lea Thompson)

Holy Christ.  Never has a more horny chick been unleashed on young impressionable minds.  Dana, Leia and Willie (to a certain extent) spent their time shunning the advances of the heroes -- Lorraine, meanwhile, was busy throwing herself at Marty McFly, HER OWN SON (unbeknownst to her).  She is just gushing with sexual energy.  Check out the scene where one of her friends asks her who Marty McFly is after he wipes the floor with Biff.  Lorraine goes, "I don't know.  But I'm gonna find out."  And it's clear she's having an orgasm RIGHT THERE in public.  Anyway, all that was over my head when I was a kid, but that didn't stop us from talking about how hot she was in class the day after they showed the film as movie of the week in fourth grade.

5.)  TISH AMBROSEI (Kelly Preston)

What?  Never heard of Tish?  Guess why.  Because she's from SPACE CAMP.  Never heard of SPACE CAMP?  Guess why.  Because the Challenger blew up right before the film came out and no one went to see it.  Kind of like ZOOLANDER and 9/11, without the second life of DVD and cable.  I wouldn't have seen SPACE CAMP either, except my sister turned out to be the only fan of the movie, and constantly watched it on video.  Anyway, Tish had the unique ability of being a total airhead while also being a genius, smacking her gum and being dumb one moment and then cracking complex communication codes the next.  She also wore lots of plastic and rubber based jewelry which, in the 80s, was a sure sign that she was a babe.  Also, I've just noticed, although I listed Kate Capshaw for TEMPLE OF DOOM and Lea Thompson for BACK TO THE FUTRE, those two chicks AND Kelly Preston were all in SPACE CAMP.  Crazy.  It's like the nexus of pre-pubescent crushes.

6.) JULIE WINSTON (Courteney Cox)

That's right -- the Earthling who helps He-Man defeat Skeletor in MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE.  I think by the time I saw MASTERS I had already seen Courteney Cox on FAMILY TIES. . . maybe not.  I'm not sure.  Either way, pre-FRIENDS Courteney always reminded me of the college chicks who used to babysit me when I was growing up, and, naturally, I was in love with all of them.  This might have been because one of my favorite babysitters was named Julie, just like Cox's character in MASTERS.  I remember kind of identifying with that kid, Andy, on FAMILY TIES, when he had a hard time adjusting to sharing the awesome Alex P. Keaton (Michael J. Fox) with his new girlfriend, played by Courteney Cox, looking exactly like Julie Winston from MASTERS.  But then she'd hug him and be all nice to him and I'd instantly begin to hate Andy.  Anyway, Andy wasn't in MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, just her douche boyfriend Kevin who, incidentally, reminded me of all the douche boyfriends my babysitters ever had.  Although now that I think about it, that babysitter of mine, Julie, actually had an awesome boyfriend who was also named Andy and he was not a douche bag.  I was in their wedding.  Rock on, Julie and Andy.

7.) DEBBIE GIBSON

Finally, someone who's not a fictional character.  Or is she?  Debbie Gibson was the teen pop sensation who, unlike teen pop sensations of today, actually wrote and produced (and sang) her own music.  My sister was obsessed with her (much like she was obsessed with SPACE CAMP) so from roughly 1987 until about 1990 I probably didn't go a day without hearing a Debbie Gibson song, seeing a Debbie Gibson video, or looking at pictures of Debbie Gibson torn from the pages of such magazines as BOP.  What wasn't to like?  She was a nice, positive role model who actually had some talent, even if her voice was grating to the middle aged ears of my parents.  Years later she posed in PLAYBOY.  By then I was in my mid-twenties and she was in her mid-thirties, but it still blew my mind.

8.) APRIL O'NEIL

I didn't list any actresses here because this is one case where I had a crush on the basic character, and not on a specific portrayal of the character.  I had a crush on April when she was a mere cartoon and had not made the leap to the silver screen, yet.  Since then, the redhead Judith Hoag played her in the first movie, the lackluster Paige Turco played her in the second and third movies, and Sarah Michelle Gellar provided her voice in the most recent outing.  Still, I don't think any of them have done justice to the inexplicably yellow jump-suited reporter for Channel 6 News.  I guess it was attractive that a perfectly fine chick was willing to be friends with a bunch of freaks.

9.) VICKI VALE (Kim Basinger)

Another blonde.  Seems like before I hit puberty I was into blondes, and after that things changed.  Anyway, BATMAN was one of the biggest movies of 1989, and Kim Basinger was in it.  So there you have it.  Instant crush.  She was probably one of the more viscerally sexual chicks I had a crush on as a kid, with the others kind of being tom-boyish to a degree.  There were a lot of things about that movie that weren't really appropriate for kids, the violence being one aspect, but also just a vague undercurrent of adult stuff going on.  I remember listening to the Prince soundtrack at the tender age of 9 and not being 100% sure why I was creeped out but being fairly sure that it was dirty.  Same thing when I looked at Kim Basinger -- I had a crush on her, but was somewhat creeped out by my own crush.  I think she was too much woman for me.

10.) COUNSELOR DEANNA TROI (Marina Sirtis)

It's funny, these days when I watch old reruns of STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION, I don't think the empathic Counselor from Betazed is that good looking.  In fact, sometimes, she looks downright monstrous.  But when I was 10 or 11, the number one chick in my mind was none other than Counselor Deanna Troi, with the skin-tight uniform and curves for days.  She was also super nice and always concerned about people's feelings, which I guess was attractive to a self centered kid.  I was always jealous of that kid who played Worf's son Alexander, constantly hugging her and resting his knobby head on her boobs.  Wait a minute.  That's the same kid who played Andy from FAMILY TIES!  That motherfucker.

11.) LEX MURPHY (Ariana Richards)

Okay, so this one is either the weirdest one or the most normal one, depending on how you look at it.  You might be wondering who the fuck Lex Murphy is, so I'll fill you in:  she's the chick from JURASSIC PARK.  No, not Laura Dern.  The OTHER chick.  There's no other chick in JURASSIC PARK, you say?  Remember the 13 year old?  Ooooh, now you know why it's creepy.  OR IS IT?  Here's the deal:  I was 12 when JURASSIC PARK came out.  Ariana Richards was around the same age, 12 or 13, playing a 12 or 13 year old.  Here's the thing -- up until then, I'd had crushes on adult women, or, at least, women who were relatively adult compared to my age.  But around age 12, I was getting to the point where things were starting to get more serious and it wasn't going to be long where I'd have crushes on fictional characters, and I'd start to get crushes on real chicks.  So, to me, it makes perfect sense that on the eve of becoming a teenager, I'd get the hots for a chick my age who also happened to be in the biggest movie of the summer.  I even created a fake correspondence between me and Ariana and attempted to trick my friends into thinking we were pen pals.  Why?  Because I'm a liar.  

But that's another story.