Look, I realize you're busy governing the state of California. And I realize there are legitimate reasons why a dude who is the Governor of one of the biggest, most populated states in the union can't go around starring in action movies. But people from other states need you now, too. It's your responsibility to go back to your first, best destiny -- terminating things.
Don't act all humble. I've seen you terminate cars. I've seen you terminate buildings. I've seen you terminate people. I've seen you terminate other Terminators. I've even seen you terminate yourself! I'm pretty sure I even saw you terminate an employee one time.
I think it's time to hang it up as governor. Not because I care one way or the other about your performance in that role. It's enough for me that The Terminator is the governor of California at all. Especially now that I don't live there anymore.
All right, I'll get to the point. The point is, I saw TERMINATOR SALVATION today.
I'll be honest: it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. After kind of a slow start, the movie even started to win me over. That Marcus Wright guy turned out to be all right, the movie seemed to fit pretty well with the other ones even though McG likes to shoot things from weird angles so I get all confused, and Anton Yelchin made a surprisingly Michael Biehnesque Kyle Reese. Who would have thought?
We were even treated to one of the most bad ass songs of all time -- The Rooster. What more can you ask for?
What more, indeed.
That's where you come in, The Terminator. I won't be giving anything away when I say that about 3/4 of the way into the movie, the real Terminator (you) makes a cameo. Everything I'd heard about the cameo up until I actually saw it was that it looked dumb and didn't fit in.
Needless to say, I was woefully unprepared for how completely fucking awesome it was to see The Terminator terminating things again.
The crowd exploded with excitement, my jaw dropped, the people behind me kicked my chair. Suddenly it was like I was 12 again! And that's when I realized:
The Terminator needs to be in Terminator movies MORE.
I know, I know -- it sounds like a given. But you and I know that you were not in this one nearly enough. Sure, there were lots of guys they kept calling Terminators, but there's only one The Terminator, and he's huge and Austrian.
What? You're too old, you say? Even if you weren't Governor it wouldn't make any sense for a T-800 (Cyberdyne Systems Model 101) to age?
You're in luck. I just made up Terminator 5. It goes like this:
The Terminator RETURNS! Only, this time he's human. Peep this. Skynet had to base the design of the T-800 on something, right? I mean, there's gotta be a reason he's a huge muscley guy with an Austrian accent, right?
Turns out, in the future, John Connor and Kyle Reese come across the dude who served as the model for the T-800. Sure, he's 25 years older than he was at the time Skynet stole him and made T-800s in his image, but he's still totally kick ass, having fought his lonesome way across the apocalyptic wastelands of 2020 Earth for years, going it on his own. After chomping on cigars and rubbing his stubble and saying things like, "I stick my neck out for nobody," the aged T-800 prototype decides to join John Connor's crew and proves himself to be a valuable warrior. Meanwhile John Connor can't help but be reminded of the T-800 he made best friends with back in the olden days. Twice.
And then, check this out -- just when they think they have Skynet by the balls, the T-1000s pop up. So then we get the return of the T-1000 as well. Bonus.
They all blow shit up, chase each other, and fight each other, and then the movie ends with John Connor sending Kyle Reese back in time, quickly followed by sending another T-800 back in time (after the T-800 prototype dies, of course, in a really emotional scene that will make me cry even though I will have written it).
AND THEN THERE ARE NEVER ANY MORE TERMINATOR MOVIES.
At least, not until after I'm dead. Then, have at it.
There's one small problem: in THE TERMINATOR, Kyle Reese says he doesn't know what The Terminator is going to look like until he strikes. So my plot about Kyle Reese chilling with the aged T-800 prototype doesn't really make sense. But, that's not my fault -- McG already fucked it up by having Kyle Reese see The Terminator in TERMINATOR SALVATION. So there. Too late now. Bam. I solved Terminator.
Anyway, The Terminator, I digress. Point is, be in more action movies. Especially TERMINATOR ones.
Love,
Paul
P.S. What's up with Bryce Dallas Howard? Is she like really pregnant or what?
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