The Charming Fixtures

I'd like to start a one man band.  I'll give it a name, so that people will think it's really a group, but it will just be me.  I'll be "The Charming Fixtures."  It will be plural to be extra tricky.  Across the nation, conversations like this will occur:

Hipster 1:  My favorite band is The Charming Fixtures.

Hipster 2: Oh yeah, I love them.

Hipster 1:  Pff.  Them?  It's one guy.  (Rolls eyes)

My first album will be a concept album about an alternate universe in which Rod Serling did not become a writer, but became an interior decorator for the stars, instead.  Among his clients: George Reeves, Adam West and a pizza delivery girl who he has a torrid affair with, but who is not a star, at first.  Later, it turns out she was Bettie Page all along.  It will be called "Claw Foot Bath Tub."

Problem: I don't know how to play any instruments.  I pretend like I can play the drums, but I want a better drummer for my album.  

Solution:  Even though I'm a one man band, I'll have a bunch of session musicians.  They won't technically be in the band, though.  It will be like "Pet Sounds" -- a billion musicians, none of them actually Beach Boys.

I will carefully select dialogue snippets from old "Twilight Zone" episodes to intersperse throughout the songs to create some semblance of a narrative.

My proposed track listing:

The Charming Fixtures

Claw Foot Bath Tub

1.) Overture

2.) Your Chair Rail is my Crown Moulding

3.) Don't Scratch my Hard Wood Floor

4.) The Ceiling Fan Stays

5.) (Humid Kitchen) Blues

6.) Free Heat

7.) Clothes Pin Mail Box

8.) My Love is like Hearing Your Neighbor Have Sex Through the Wall part I

9.) Pizza Need Not Apply

10.) Girl (Come Over and show me Where to Hang Pictures)

11.) My Love is like Hearing Your Neighbor Have Sex Through the Wall part II

12.) Hot Superman on Batman Action

13.) Oh My God, What's the Drama?

It will rock.