INT. AGENT'S OFFICE -- 2001
Vin Diesel enters and sits across from his Agent, who is sitting at a desk.
AGENT
Good news, Vin. THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS is a huge hit. It's going to break $100 million at the box office. And they want you to star in the sequel. You've made it. You're going to be the next big action star.
VIN DIESEL
Naw, I don't do sequels.
CUT TO:
INT. AGENT'S OFFICE -- DAY -- 2002
Vin sits across from his Agent again.
AGENT
I gotta tell you Vin, I thought it was dumb to turn down 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS and an unnecessary risk to make XXX, but guess what? It's a huge hit. It's going pass the $100 million mark. And, the studio wants you for a sequel. You've got it made. You can keep making XXX movies for years.
VIN DIESEL
Naw, I don't do sequels.
CUT TO:
INT. AGENT'S OFFICE -- DAY -- 2003
Vin sits across from his agent.
AGENT
Well, Vin, it was bound to happen. A MAN APART isn't even going to make $30 million. Pretty pathetic for a dude who was about to be the next Bruce Willis. Maybe now you'll agree that it's time for a sequel?
VIN DIESEL
You know what? You're right. It is time for a sequel.
AGENT
(scrambles excitedly for his phone)
Oh, thank God. Let me get the producers of THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS on the line.
VIN DIESEL
No, no.
AGENT
(slightly confused)
You want me to call the producers of XXX?
VIN DIESEL
No -- check this out.
(Vin throws a script to his Agent, who catches it)
AGENT
The Chronicles of Riddick? What's this? I thought you said sequel.
VIN DIESEL
It is a sequel.
AGENT
To what?
VIN DIESEL
Pitch Black.
AGENT
Never heard of it.
VIN DIESEL
Remember, that sci-fi one I did back in 2000?
AGENT
Vaguely. . . I seem to recall it not making any money.
VIN DIESEL
Yeah, that's the one.
AGENT
Jesus Christ, Vin.
CUT TO:
INT. AGENT'S OFFICE -- DAY -- 2005
Vin sits across from his Agent.
AGENT
Well, Vin, there you have it. Read it and weep. RIDDICK won't break the $60 million mark. I think this town is about done with you.
VIN DIESEL
Okay. Tell you what. Get the FAST AND THE FURIOUS and XXX guys on the phone. I'll do one of those ones. Or both. Whatever.
AGENT
Vin, since you've been gone those franchises have crumbled. TOKYO DRIFT made half as much as the previous FAST AND FURIOUS movie and XXX 2 made $25 million. $25! Pathetic. No one cares anymore.
VIN DIESEL
So that's really it, then?
AGENT
Well, there is one thing.
VIN DIESEL
What?
AGENT
It isn't much but you might want to take a look at it.
(Agent throws script to Vin)
VIN DIESEL
The Pacifier? What is this? Some kind of family comedy?
AGENT
Yep.
VIN DIESEL
(heavy sigh)
Fine.
CUT TO:
INT. AGENT'S OFFICE -- 2006
Vin and the Agent are hanging out.
AGENT
Ah ha! See? You take my advice, you get a $113 million hit. So you didn't make it as an action hero. Big deal. You can obviously branch out into other things. Like kids' movies.
VIN DIESEL
Yeah, I guess.
AGENT
Or -- and I almost feel stupid mentioning this -- we've been over it so many times before -- now that you have another hit behind you, we could maybe possibly look at doing another FAST AND FURIOUS movie?
VIN DIESEL
Sounds great!
AGENT
Oh, thank Christ! FINALLY.
NARRATOR
And that movie made $600 billion.
FADE OUT
Starring
Vin Diesel as Himself
Jeremy Piven as the Agent
James Earl Jones as the Narrator
THE END
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